stutter » a. irwin

chapter 21. insecure

"Uh, is anyone else-" I began hopefully.

"Um..." Calum's voice lowered apologetically and I felt my stomach drop. "Ash said he wasn't feeling well, he's been locked up in his room all day."

I considered dropping by to look after him, but it was almost as if Calum knew what I was thinking.

"He, um- he said he doesn't want any visitors."

I knew from the sincerity and caution in his voice that he was telling the truth, and I tried to swallow back the lump in my throat. It felt like Ashton was trying his best to avoid me at all costs.

"But- Luke said he'd try to meet up with us after he was done recording the vocals for the new song!"

Calum was trying his best to cheer me up, but I really didn't want to spend the night pretending I was okay when we both knew I wasn't.

"I don't know if it's a good idea. I don't want to ruin your night and have to leave again," I explained, hoping I sounded sincere enough for Calum to let me continue drowning my sorrows in a Suits marathon.

"No, stop right there." he spoke with an edge in his voice, "I don't care if you spend the entire night crying your soul out. That's what friends are for, right?"

Without a doubt, Calum Hood had gotten himself on the list of my favourite people in the world. He definitely didn't replace Rachel, but I couldn't help but think that the two would definitely get along well. They were two of the kindest people I knew.

"Okay, I'll go with you." I sighed. "But I can't be held accountable if I sob all over your expensive shirt."

"Hey, we're still your normal re-" he began, but I finished his ridiculous sentence off.

"Regular teenage guys... yeah, definitely haven't heard that line before." I laughed, amazed at how quickly my mood changed after talking with Calum. We talked a little more about stupid things, but I didn't hang up before letting him know how truly grateful I was for our friendship.

"Hey Cal?" I called softly.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for being so understanding. Things have just suddenly seemed a lot more crazy than usual these last couple of days."

The line went eerily silent, I almost thought he had hung up. After a moment though, his soft voice carried through the receiver.

"I know, but things will get better. I promise." He whispered, almost as if he was saying it to himself.

If only then I knew that I was experiencing the calm before a storm I was not prepared for.

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"Okay," Calum spoke loudly as he struggled to be heard over the deep bass pounding through the speakers of the club. "The first step to successful partying is alcohol!"

"Lead the way, great party master!" I shouted sarcastically, cringing at the flashing strobe lights as I fought through throngs of people so as not to get separated from Calum as he made his way to the bar. We were currently located at a club that I'd never heard of before, a more unknown one that Calum had took pride in discovering.

Thankfully, I was wearing my trusty Vans, so I wasn't stumbling around like someone who had had a little too much to drink. The one good thing I had learned so far about partying with him was that unlike Rachel, Calum had no problem with what I wore to the club. Then again, he probably wouldn't care if I showed up in my pajamas, so long as he got to dance around with alcohol in his hand.

As Calum reached the bar and began reciting his order to the guy behind the counter, I began to scan the crowded club in hopes of seeing something interesting.

What I saw was definitely something I wished I hadn't.

There stood Ashton with a drink in his hand and the other propping himself up against the wall, talking to a pretty brunette and definitely not looking as sick as Calum had described him to be. My breath began to pick up speed, and I knew that I should've looked away, but it was as if my eyes were glued to his every movement.

The way he ducked his head down to hear her better, or the way her lips brushed his ear ever so slightly as she talked to him.

I felt like I was going to puke all over the floor and I hadn't even had anything to drink yet.

"-drink? Hello?" I could vaguely register Calum trying to get my attention, but all I could focus on was Ashton. It felt like all my worst fears and insecurities were rising to the surface and I could hear rapid gasps beginning to escape my mouth as the oxygen in the room seemed to deplete. "Julia, what the hell is- oh, fuck."

I knew Calum had seen Ashton when he muttered a quick apology to the bartender, making his way over to me as he grasped me by the shoulders and lead me to a stool. I wasn't even aware of my own actions, just trying my hardest to breathe as memories of Joyce and Ashton began to mix together in my head. I briefly noted Calum's look of frenzied panic as he took in my shallow breaths, and he hovered near me uselessly, unsure of what to do.

I almost would have laughed if it wasn't for the situation I was currently in. Trying to slow my breathing, I closed my eyes and, despite the circumstances, pictured Ashton's comforting arms wrapped around me like they'd been when I'd experienced a panic attack in front of him. Slowly but surely, my breath returned to normal and I finally looked up at Calum.

"You didn't have to lie to me." I managed to say hoarsely, trying to stop the flashbacks that were running through my mind.

Calum paused the curses he was mumbling under his breath to shoot me a surprised look. "I didn't! The asshole said he was feeling ill and wanted to stay home- trust me, I'm just as mad as you are."

I took a shaky breath, not sure what to believe anymore. All the emotions that were quickly coursing through me were becoming too much for me to handle, and I just wanted to be numb to it all.

"Listen," Calum looked at me seriously, raising his voice to overpower the music. "We can leave if you want; I'm really sorry that all this shit happened."

I glanced back quickly at Ashton once more, biting my tongue when I saw he was surrounded by significantly more people than I last saw him with. Leaving would be great, but I didn't want Ashton to have the power to ruin my night. Most of all, I didn't want to remember any of this in the morning.

"No, let's just get away from him," I spoke, and Calum nodded as he followed me deeper into the club. "I just want us to get drunk off our asses."

I needed as much alcohol as I could get my hands on tonight, and I saw a grin appear on Calum's face as he slung a friendly arm around my shoulder.

"Now that's what I'm fucking talking about."

As he began to rattle off his order to the bartender once more, I placed my head in my hands as the image of Ashton was burned into my eyelids.

Yeah, alcohol sounded like a great idea right now.

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*luke voice* you know what i like? when you guys leave multiple comments in a row and sometimes theyre in all caps and idk it makes me happy bc i feel its a sign that you are very emotionally invested in this story

dedicated to @li_lemurr bc it's her birthday today!! happy birthday love

i'm sad right now and not feeling good so if i reply to comments a little later than usual than that'll be why, sorry xo