As The World Caves In

ten

TRIGGER WARNING: a panic attack occurs.

L I L I A N

"You bloody didn't" River scowled at Nathan and i put a hand on his chest, not to stop him going at Nathan but to maybe calm him down a little i guess.

"I told him not to, i really tried harry" Masie said in a shallow voice.

"Oh no, please no" River pleaded as he ran a hand through his hand and pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breathe he walked towards the door.

The door shut before you could hear any voices, maybe River just shut the person out and told them to go away? Maybe it's a false alarm.

River practically skipped back into the front room "Nate!" he yelled pouting a finger at Nathan and jumping across the sofa into his arms.

I look at Masie and she motioned behind me.

River.

I looked between the two boys before it clicked in my head. Twins.

"You didn't tell me you had a twin" I spoke looking up at River as he came and stood next to me again.

"I prefer not to talk about it, i mean look at him" He replied and his twin looked over to us. River put his arm around my waist and held a tight grip.

He slowly walked over and kneeled down in front of me "I'm Oliver" He said as he kissed my hand and River kicked him over making him fall on his ass.

Oliver glared at him and jumped up straightening himself and brushing himself down. There was no dirt on him, what a fool.

I put my hands on my head "I'm so confused" I mumbled.

"What's to be confused about daring" Oliver asked and i dropped my hands to look at him "We're twins, best buddies since the womb" He continued as he pinched River's cheek and River pushed him away.

Masie stood up and grabbed my hand "C'mon, we'll leave them too it" She smiled to River as a sign for him to let me go and he did.

"Do't miss me too much" Oliver called as we walked into Oscar's room and shut the door behind us.

"I was not expecting that" I mumbled threading my fingers through my hair.

"River doesn't like to talk about it" Masie spoke and i lowered myself onto Oscar's bed next to her. "They never got along. River-"

"No" I snapped "I'm sorry, but he stopped his mum from telling him about me and i don't want to break his trust like that"

Masie smiled "You're good for him, he deserves you" I looked up at her slowly.

"You know don't you?" I asked and she slowly nodded and i felt my chest get heavy.

"My mum worked the case, she was the first to know but held back because of you. She knows what it's like and you were so innocent"

My eyes filled with tears "Is it bad i miss her? you know after all she did to me and them" I hiccuped.

"She was your mum, she'll always be your mum no matter what she did. It's just devastating that she ended up the way she did love"

She pulled me into a hug as i began crying slowly, i heard the door open and Masie nodded and i heard it close, River kneeled next to me.

I felt my chest get heavier as more tears fell, Masie  let me go as she felt my breathing become unsteady and i could feel River starting to panic.

Why would a mother do that. She was supposed to love and not hurt.

Why couldn't i have helped Elonoura in time. I could've helped her if i didn't go to bed.

It was my fault it ended the way it did.

"What's happening?" River asked frantically.

"She's having a panic attack, let me get Oscar" Masie rushes out of the room.

"Hey, i don't know if you can process what i'm saying right now but i'm here okay? it's River. Naive River that walked the edge of a bridge for you, remember when we led in the rain together Lil? it was so relaxing right? go there. Go to somewhere relaxing please" I could hear the pleas in his voice.

I didn't want him to see me like this, fuck i didn't want anyone to see me like this. Ever.

I could hear his soothing voice so clearly and i followed his instructions. I went back to when we were laying in the rain.

It hurt me but the look of pure love on his face made me so exceedingly happy in that moment. I was showing him what it's like to live and i'm so glad he lets me.

My breathing went back to normally and the tears stopped falling, i could see him kneeled down in front of me now. He was rubbing soothing circles on my knees like after the train incident.

"I'm sorry" I broke and fell into his arms.

"Hey" he whispered into my hair "Never apologise for something you can't handle okay" he smoothed my back reassuringly.

"The world is so fucked, i hate it. Can we go, together" I asked into his shoulder.

I saw Masie and Oscar in the doorway but they slowly backed away and let us have our moment.

"If you mean go away like go to Jamaica or something then yeah, we can go together"