The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Hail Mary Touchdown

They try to protest, to tell me to stop, but it's no use. Everything has gone to shit, and it all started with me. I'm the one who came in and altered the status quo of this place. Everyone was happy and content in their roles, and I had to come in and fuck it all, like I always do, and like I've always done. 

How foolish of me to think that this time it would be different. 

Thankfully, Hayden is kind enough to move out of the way for me to get out of the vent, and with the same impetus, I leave the school for the night. I'm not afraid of what will happen, for the worst has already happened. All I have to do is wait until morning, and figure out what to do from there. 

I wonder if getting a GED is any hard. 

"Is everything okay, Mr. Messina-Park?" asks Principal Strickland, seeing us two, as agreed, outside the school at the first strike of dawn, and none the wiser to the last six chapters or so. "You look a bit...odd, this morning."

"Me? I'm very okay. Much well. Am Okayden, see? Very well-fed, have many Instagram followers. Timothy Charmintine and all," says a man who is very much not Brayden, but is dressed in his clothes and is aggressively...Eastern European? And probably late 40s.

Brayden stepped off at some point during the night, saying he was going to catch that flight to Belize, and that a "body double" would take his place. I mean, he's a body alright.

"You sound...off."

"He just got a little bit of flu, Mrs. Strickland," chimes Hayden, who decided to stay around in case things went south. 

"I see. And why are you here, Mr. Wilson?" 

"Oh, I'm...eh..." he stammers, but I cut him before he can make a fool out of himself. 

"He forgot his cooler inside, so he just wants to get in quick and get it, first thing in the morning, right? He has a brunch, and he needs his cooler back, asap." 

"Yeah," he says. 

"Isn't that your cooler that you have there?" she asks, pointing at the cooler he used earlier to store his "sleepover supplies."

After a few seconds of doing nothing and staring at the void of his soul, he speaks up. "This is my spare cooler. Has bad juju. I need my main one." 

"Okay, then," says Principal Strickland. "These are officers Reiner and Iglesias. They were so kind as to come here and inspect the scene before anything else happens as to not to raise a fuss. They will also interrogate you two on what you know and don't know."

"Brayden knows many things," says "Brayden," rubbing his hands with a smile. "Me will help you get bad guy, and if bad guy is Brayden, is okay. Jail is fun, have time to exercise, three meals a day." 

"Right," says the principal, pivoting away from him and staring at the officers. "I also invited the student council president to oversee as a representative of the students...and to avoid any litigious lawsuits that might come from this. I'm hoping this is fine?" 

Lee is coming? Oh, shit. 

And right as I say that in my mind, she appears, smelling like fresh morning dew, with her bouncy locks swaying with every—okay, almost went monologuing there. Keep your mind in the game.

"Sorry for being late," she says, almost as if an angelic chorus were going through puberty once again, but, like, not when their voices crack and sound like a damaged honker? You know? Like a bunch of heavenly castrati. You get the idea. "I was...momentarily detained. But I'm here." 

"Good," says the Principal while opening the front gate. "Now, let's get this over with before the press has a field day with us."

We move like the world's worst Roman phalanx to the vending machine, I give a silent prayer to Saint Jude Thaddeus, patron saint of lost causes, that my cockamamie scheme would work. Not to be confused with Saint Jude Law, patron saint of strong jaws and other kinds of cocks. 

"Okay," says one of the officers, plunging a coin into the machine and pressing whatever number, "let's see what's all this nonsense." 

My buttcheeks are clenched, and my breath is being held so tight that I'm essentially pressurized. I'm a shit submarine. 

The vending machine slides open perfectly. And there she is, in all her glory, smushed against the invisible wall dividing the secret hallway and the school. She lets out a demeaning howl, showing row after row after row of jagged teeth. It feels as if three beasts, one more wicked than the other, were harmonizing on a devil's tritone. 

And just like that, the vending machine is slid back shut. 

"Yeah, you got one of them vampires here," says one of the cops. He takes out a pad, scribbles a few notes, and hands it to the principal. "They're pests, mostly. Nothing too criminal about it. Just like getting a rat or somethin'. I do have to write you a fine for it, but for the most part, they're classified as pests. Call Pest Control and they will send a priest over. Have a nice day, ma'am."

They leave without making any more questions or follow-ups. Principal Strickland gives me and "Brayden" a look that suggests that she knows we have something to do with it, and she knows that we know she knows, and if everybody can keep quiet about this, it is gonna be for the best. 

Kinda went like this: >.>

I unclench my butt and release the pressure. For now, we are safe. I am safe. 

But for how long, I wonder?

Hayden grabs me by the shoulder and pulls us closer, cheek to cheek, spittle to spittle. "You did it, brother. Once again, you're our own personal Jesus. But seriously, what the fuck is going on? Why were the cops here? Why don't you tell me over breakfast? Some pancakes, maybe? I know a place. My treat." 

Before I can say anything, I feel someone grabbing my arm. Something soft, and moist, and oh so tender. It's Lee, which has a surprisingly hard grip. 

"Excuse me, Mr. Gomez," she says in her sweet, forest fairy voice. "May I have a word with you?" 

I hope she can't feel my hair standing on their end from only mentioning my name. Also, my boner. 

"Sure," I say. Oh, God, I can feel her warmth. "Hayden, why don't you go on ahead? I'll talk to you later, okay?" 

I can't even hear his response when Lee drags me away from him. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving this, but this sounds like some endgame kind of stuff I'm about to do.