The Life and Death of Girl Unknown (UNDER REVISION AND EDITING)

Chapter 34: Rasasvada.

Chapter 34: Rasasvada.

Rasasvada (noun): Taste of bliss in absence of thoughts.

"Juice is alive."

The words seemed to echoe in my head like someone shouting hello in a cave. I was pinned to the wall with shock. I've never not expected surprises, especially in this life, but that was a surprise I wasn't expecting. I suddenly felt a wave of overwhelming emotions crash over me like a title wave.

"No, he's not. He died in prison, we had a funeral and buried him. He is not alive, he is dead, and I don't appreciate you playing this awful joke on me." I tried to rationalize what I've been told. The moment Chibs said that my heart leaped with joy because I immediately believed him but my head told me not to believe it.

"No, Maria. He's not. There was an accident at the prison the day he supposedly died and he was taken to the hospital. Tara made it look like he died but she actually helped him escape. Juice is alive and he is well." Chibs told me with a strong but flat voice as he stared at me. I tried to put myself in denial but the more I think about it the more I believe him.

"I'm gonna go get Tara and we'll take you home. I'll drop the stuff off tomorrow before the funeral so he can be buried with it." He told me the game plan before getting up, he left me in that room with my thoughts. I couldn't help but look around to see Juice's first mug shot as a Son posted on the wall like a trophy. It was in that moment that I felt completely empty. I hated the feeling of being numb. It felt like I was just punched in the gut, all the air vacated my lungs and I struggled to get a gasp of air amongst the devasted tears. It finally sunk in that I lost the only man I've ever loved and and the only man I'll ever love. He's gone like the wind.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken. So I hung my head, and I cried. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. I'll always love you and make you happy. If you will only say the same. But if you leave me to love another, You'll regret it all one day. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. Please don't take my sunshine away."

And then the letter.

Dearest Maria,

I just want you to know that if you're reading this I'm either hidden or, well, not alive anymore.

My body suddenly ached with realization. Juice is alive. It was like heaven came crashing down onto earth. Beau restlessly moved around. My eyebrows fell towards the middle and I cocked my head to the side a bit.

"What do you mean Tara helped him escape? Who else knew this?" I demanded in a hard voice that was emotionally strained. I was filled with confusing emotions that I didn't know how to deal with. Chibs frowned and looked down at his hands. I came to the conclusion that hurt me the most.

"Everybody knew but me." I sighed sadly, pinching the bridge of my nose. He nodded solemnly. It was quiet again and I didn't really care this time. There was a growing anger deep inside of me, it was directed towards everyone that knew he was alive and knew that I was in undescribable pain but didn't do anything to prevent my merciless depression.

"Where is he?" I questioned in a small voice. I sounded like a scared and wounded child who just witnessed something horrible that ripped their innocence away from them.

"I'm right here." My head jerked into the direction of the doorway. My heart was ripped open with glee and anguish while my stomach was sinking into a bottomless pit. I wiped my hair away from my face to see Juice standing there in the doorway with his cut on and arms crossed over his chest. Tears immediately formed in my eyes and I silently prayed for him to just be a ghost. But then he came closer while Chibs backed away. I felt his hand sink into the bed as he sat down beside the bed. I felt his hand rest on mine gingerly. I had to close my eyes to stop seeing the one person I've been dying to see. I jerked my hand away from his and let the tears fall from my eyelashes onto my cheeks. My legs mindlessly swing over the edge of the bed and I adjusted myself so I was sitting directly in front of him. My hands slowly pressed by his vest and onto the black tee shirt that he wore underneath. Slowly my eyes opened and took in the sight of my was dead fiancé. My hands balled up into fists and I started to gently hit them against his chest, with each hit it got harder until I was slapping, smacking, punching him. I wanted him to hurt the same amount as me.

"You asshole! I hate you! I fucking hate you!" I screamed at him, feeling Beau inside of me starting to panic at my distress. Juice tried to grab at my wrists to restrain me from hurting either of us. I wasn't thinking and that's the greatest gift I could've asked for.

"Maria, stop! You're going to hurt the baby!" Juice shouted at me, I could hear the distress in his voice. Juice stood up from the chair and towered over me. He finally got hold of my arms and pulled them together and pinned them against my chest. I let out a whaling sob as he pulled me into his chest. I buried my face into his collar and let out all of the unthoughtful pain that I've gathered the last six months. I was angry but I couldn't be happier.