The Life and Death of Girl Unknown (UNDER REVISION AND EDITING)

Chapter 27: The Point of No Return

Chapter 27: The Point of No Return.

Juice was right, he did keep everything he ever got from us. He also left me journal entries about every ride he's been on since he became a Son. He had ultrasound pictures and hospital bracelets. I wanted to sit there forever and just read the letters he's written to me and look at the pictures of the years as our family grew.

Juice might've put his confessions in that shoe box but there were three other medium sized boxes with things in them. I wanted to look through all of them but when I opened the first box I stopped dead in my ambitious tracks. My jaw hung down and empty tears didn't even blur my vision but stroll down my cheeks immediately. The first box I opened was mainly filled with baby stuff meant for girls mainly. He had the few outfits he managed to sneek past me neatly folded; on top of the first Princess pink dress was a little clip-on hair bow. I picked it up from on top of the pile and stared at it, the tag was still on it. Juice got this from a baby store in town that sells this line, Princess Bows.

I smiled softly at the hair piece that immediately captured my heart. It was a powder pink with see through sequins making a simple but flattering design. In don't know what it was about that stupid little bow but it made me feel better, it made me realize I knew what her name was going to be.

"Maria! We're back!" Tara called from the front of the house. I jumped out of my skin when i heard her call out. I put the pink bow into the pocket of my knit housecoat. I brushed away the flabbergasted shock and pulled myself together so I could pluck Daylon out of his jumper and greet Tara. Percy passed us in the hall, he went to his bedroom and closed the door. I was worried about him greatly. Daylon babbled nothings to Tara when we met her in the living room.

"Hey. Did he behave?" I asked the normal mothering questions. Tara smiled at me and nodded.

"I thought I'd try to cheer him up a bit by getting him a milkshake before we got here. Besides being extremely silent, he was good." Tara has tried to help me get Percy back to a normal state but all our efforts have failed.

"Did Doctor Wills make a breakthrough at all?" I asked, knowing the obvious answer. Tara sighed and set her purse down onto the coffee table.

"Doctor Wills doesn't want me to tell you what Percy told him today. He thinks it will further break you down and right now he needs you to be there for Percy." Tara was avoiding telling me the truth by using her Doctor skills to make the situation seem like its under control when really its not.

"Tara, that's my son. I need you to tell me what is happening in his head. I need to know that what I'm doing for him is the right thing, I need to know that sending him to a head shrinker is what's best for him." I unapologetically begged Tara for the truth. Tara seemed hesitant to tell me, does she really think that after all I've been through these last six months that I can't handle the Goddamned truth?!

Tara sighed softly and mentally began regretting what she was about to do.

"Percy told Doctor Wills that it shouldn't be his dad that's dead, it should be him. And if he does die, his dad will come back and you'll get to be a happy family with Daylon and the new baby, and Juice." Tara told me brutally. I was in shock by what I just heard. I stared at Tara wide eyed; my lower jaw hung down a bit in surprise as I let that news sink in. I set Daylon down in his playpen then crossed my arms over my chest.

"What does that mean? Does that tell us what his diagnosis is?" I questioned her thoroughly. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to scream and shout, and demand answers. But I can't do that, I need to be the adult Percy needs.

"It means Percy is a suicide risk; he has severe depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." Tara gave me the diagnosis bluntly. I couldn't help but shake my head in deniakl.

"Percy is only 7 years old, he can't possibly be suicidal. He doesn't even know what suicide is."

"But he does know what death is, and in reality suicide is another form of dying. Doctor Wills is calling Child Services to see you and Percy to talk about what the best thing to do next is." Tara just kept lying the news on me like a layered cake. I want to be mad at her for telling me but I can't because I asked her to tell me. So the only thing I can do is put on a pretty fake smile and make sure my 7 year old son doesn't off himself.

"Thank you for helping me. I appreciate it." I reminded her that I appreciate all of her hard work to keep this family together. She made sure the hospital didn't charge us for Percy's sessions. Tara nodded at me sternly.

"Don't mention it. I can't imagine what you're going through right now and I dont want to. No offense." Tara had every right to not want to know what I was going through, if I were her I wouldn't either. I wouldn't want to know what its like to lose the one man you're ever going to love. I wouldn't want to know what its like to wake up every morning or go to bed every night without your heart and soul lying next to you. I wouldn't want to know what its like to be engaged and pregnant knowing there will never be a wedding or a father to greet his daughter. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to know what this dull incurable pain is like. Its like an incurable disease inside of you, slowly eating away at the threads you used to sew your heart back together. Some days you go to sleep and wish you never wake up again but you do wake up, you wake up for a reason. Mine is a choice I made many years ago; I chose motherhood.

I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head slightly with a painful smile. I wanted to say something but I couldn't, I've lost all motivation to socialize with people I once was happy to see everyday. I sighed when a frustrated and emotionally exhausted lump sat in my throat, making rumbling sobs in the pit of my stomach. My eyes glazed over with tears. I dropped my head down and placed my fingertips against the center of my forehead. I had to say something; I had to say something otherwise I'll break down into vulnerability. I lifted my head and curled my fingers so my knuckles rested against my lips. Tara was worriedly looking at me. It was obvious that my hormones were getting the better of me. How exactly was I supposed to feel? For 4 years Juice wanted to have a daughter and now that he's gone I'm pregnant with a girl. That's the worst feeling in the entire world. I'd rather be living in Juice's old one bedroom trailer with three kids than be doing this alone.

I forced a smile and fished the little bow out of my pocket. The bow sat in the center of my curled palm. I held my balled hand out and slowly uncurled my fingers to show Tara the pink bow. Her eyebrows fell together a bit. I wasn't exactly making sense but I needed her to know.

"He's been collecting things for a baby girl. I don't know what it is about this bow but it helped me pull myself together." I told her. I sat down on the couch when I suddenly felt dizzy. Tara sat down on the couch beside me and engulfed her hands around mine.

"That's good then. Right now you need anything to keep you tied down. You need something or someone to keep your head on right." Tara honestly told me in a caring way. I nodded in agreement. My eyes stayed down at the little bowmin my hands. I don't remember much of what happened after that, I must've been so exhausted that I fell asleep.