White Wall

34: Tragic

Tragic
JUV'S POV.

"What can you feel right now?" she asked. I am sitting on a chair in front of her. It feels like I'm in a talk show sans the camera.

"Being unable to do normal," I answered.

This talk really triggers what I'm feeling. Mag-iisang linggo na simula nang mawala siya. Mag-iisang linggo na akong kinakain ng kalungkutan.

"Like schooling? You think mourning for her is greater than attending class?"

Why would I speak? Why would I answer? I'm not sick, I am just sad. I lost her. I lost Hallyx and it means so much to me.

"Juvani, did your kuya's disappearance is a great loss at you, as much as this girl, Hallyx?"

She's sitting infront of me, asking a lot of questions. I love answering question but only if Hallyx is the who asked it. Her question is worth my time to think. Her reactions to my answers matters to me.

Napabuntong hininga ang babaeng nasa harapan ko. She's taking notes while assessing some papers.

"I am your mother's friend. We have this talk because I want to know what will I diagnosed you. Your kuya had OLD, based on the test it shows you have not this really serious case. Attachment disorder, maybe. You experience to be traumatize in covered court happened back then when you and your kuya was still a child. Plus, on your father side there's one with schizophrenia. You have this Attachment disorder 'cause by trauma, additionally it is inherited."

I don't really focused what she's saying I am not in good mood to talk about my madness.

"Do you feel nothing without her?" Another question to answer.

"I am Nothing."

This question remind of Hallyx, really. All her memories lingering on my mind. It stabing and squeezing my chest. The heaviness made me  completely dead.

"I have things that I want you to do. Write what you feel about Hallyx and you will tear it down."

Napatingin naman ako sa kanya. Mind over everything. It typically didn't make any sense to me. It will contribute nothing to me.

"My feelings can not be fade by just tearing a piece of paper."

"It's a process. One of the process. One step at a time. I am no magician, Juvani."

After many minutes, I wrote on paper and I tore it. At first it's seem nothing to me, but  sinking in my mind that those feelings written was just tore by me. Writing it while her face and memories are on my mind... then tearing it is another pain. It really slap me that she's really gone. It's just like I stabbed myself and retrieved it out.

She adviced me to get rid the things, communication, or anything that makes me think about her.

"Just say to get rid of my brain instead."

She adviced me to make myself busy.

"Studying makes me busy. I can't go to school. Hallyx is my seatmate."