Brave Bold Belle (ft. Liam Payne)

Chapter 20 - Effort

I'm not really sure what's happening here but I'm aware that I don't want it to stop and I really don't want to think about the meaning of my actions either. I'll probably feel very disappointed in twenty minutes, but as in right now, I couldn't care less. There's something addictive in the way he's holding me so tight, and the taste of his lips. The first time he kissed me he was drunk, the others were too fast as to taste anything, but now... now it's so different I can't even find the right adjective. Plus, it's not like my brain is working at the moment.

I hold on to him for dear life, the thought of pulling back doesn't even cross my mind, we only break the kiss to take another breath and carry on. I'm not conscious of anything else around me, that until I feel the cold wall at my back and I realise Liam has pushed me against this, so I'm trapped between concrete and his warm body. I don't even feel suffocated but it is getting hot, really hot.

He is the one who finally pulls back, his hands now on the wall behind me, his arms caging me. We are both breathing heavily and his eyes are boring into my soul, my heart is beating so hard it actually hurts and I think I'm shaking, but I'm not sure yet.

"Good night," he breathes out, a smirk coming to his lips. "And happy month-versary," he adds amused, making me chuckle before he grabs my face in his hands and kisses me one more time, slowly and carefully.

He pulls back and painstakingly takes a step back, putting the necessary distance between us.

"Go inside before I leave, that way you won't say I don't have manners," he laughs and that makes me chuckle again.

"Good night, Liam," I say with my own smile, standing straight and away from the wall, which turned to be my door.

I do as he instructed and go inside, once I close the door I press my back against it and take a deep breath. The realisation of what I've done is here, pushing me down but I fight it. Fight it. Fight it. I won't let it bug me yet or I won't sleep and I need to sleep. I control my mind and I'll think about what I did when I'm ready for it, which is not now.

•••

There are many ways to keep your mind busy and avoid certain topics. A book, exercise, work, a film... uff, plenty of ways! But sometimes said topic is just too strong and demanding and there's no book on Earth that could keep your mind away from it. And it seems that what happened with Liam last night is one of those topics because no matter how much I try to focus on work, flashbacks of that kiss come to my mind, startling me. When I let my guard down I feel my heart racing at the memory and by lunchtime I can't even think of eating.

I can't believe I actually kissed him back, and not only that, I actually enjoyed it. I didn't feel cheap or like it was a job at all. Not even for a second I remembered that I'm only pretending to be his girlfriend; that we don't share any kind of feeling at all. I just kissed him and let him kiss me senseless. How could've I done something like that? Seriously, how's that I allowed that to happen? I know he was really nice to me yesterday and we had a good time, that he's trying to behave like a gentleman and all, but that shouldn't be reason enough for me to forget how things really are and let my body take the lead.

What am I, a hormonal teenager? I'm way past that age.

I'm seriously disappointed in myself for acting like that. I know kissing is part of being the girlfriend, but I didn't need to kiss him like that, just a peck on the lips was enough. Now I'm concerned he'll think he can do this again, that we can just snog as if we were a real couple. If it happened once, it could happen twice but I can't let that happen. I can't allow myself forget what this really is, because if I do I'll be at his mercy.

He said he didn't want more work and this isn't a job for him, it's just an easy relationship. For me it's a job. We are not at the same level even if we are 'together'. I can't get confused.