Brave Bold Belle (ft. Liam Payne)

Chapter 38 - Goodbye

    I don’t stop until I find a secluded place where no one will find me. Only then do I bend down, hugging my knees and closing my eyes every so tightly. I can’t calm my heart down and I’m still shaking. I don’t know what I want, whether to go running back to him or away from him and I think my body is shaking because I’m that torn. What I want and what I should do pull me in different directions and my body can’t keep up with it.

Why can’t things be just simple? Why is it that a relationship, no matter what kind, is never only two people? Someone is always making opinions or requests, saying things that they have no right to say. The worst part is that even if we don’t want to listen, they always affect us. Other’s opinions always find a way to make it inside our heads until they modify and reshape our own thoughts. I’m sure that if I didn’t care about Liam’s family’s opinion I would’ve forgotten all about the contract and just continued a real relationship with Liam. If Simon hadn’t requested for a definite breakup, I would’ve given in the moment Liam even mentioned it. Or we wouldn’t have mentioned it at all. But of course other’s opinions affect us and what Liam and I had wasn’t just our business. It was his label’s, his career’s, and his family’s. Even my Dad’s! I don’t think he would approve of me in an actual relationship with someone who demanded for a girlfriend after bursting into a room where two people were having a meeting.

I groan, feeling the beginning of a migraine throbbing at my temples. I take my hands and rub the sore spot, but it doesn’t help. My head is a war zone and both sides are fighting to death, mercilessly. I hate war! Why is this even happening in my head?

I start counting in my head, focusing on that instead the turbulent thoughts. Once I read Bitterblue and in that book she used maths problems to dissipate the fog of mental control. I try that and, as I’m not good with numbers, it actually takes all my concentration to solve an easy problem without using paper, as 5,836 in 82,082; which is 14.

When I’m done with that I do feel better, more at ease and I’m surprised that numbers helped me to clear my mind instead of words. And I’m surprised that when I start to become aware of my surroundings once again, everyone is being called to have dinner. I go to my table and I’m so grateful that it’s not next to Liam. But then, when I can see him and my heart races again, I regret ever being grateful. And I don’t know if he made Ruth tell him, but when I sit down, he is already watching me, as if he was expecting me to join the others. I avoid his eyes but I do notice he didn’t come with another date and I don’t even try to deny the relief I feel at that.

I can barely taste the food and I feel bad about that, because it looks amazing and everyone seems to enjoy it, but it’s as if I were drinking water. This is because I can feel Liam’s eyes on me the whole time and I can’t notice anything else.

Then it comes the time for the toast and I tense up because I know Liam will make a speech and I’m scared. He was drinking when I bumped into him. Did he continue drinking? Is he going to make a scene again? Only after the best man’s and made of honour’s speech, I dare to look at Liam when I see him standing up, with a glass in his hand. This time his eyes are on Ruth and Arthur and I can see how tense they are. I feel bad for Liam for the first time—regarding this issue—because clearly nobody trusts him.

“Hello everyone. Maybe some of you remember me as the jerk that ruined the rehearsal dinner party,” he begins and I feel my guts twisting. “I apologise for what happened there. I offended everyone, but mostly my sister, who did nothing to deserve that. Ruth, I don’t deserve you. You’ve always been so good to me. You supported me when I needed it the most and I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without you or anyone else in our family. I’m so blessed to have you all,” he continues and I feel the lump in my throat tightening for a new reason: emotion. I look at Ruth and her eyes are watering. “Since I was a kid I always thought you’d be by my side. Then I grew up and knew you’d meet a man and start your own family, but I always believed that no man would deserve you… until Arthur showed up.” He chuckles affectionately, nodding towards the groom. “I could never give my sister to any other man but you, Arthur. I know no one else could love her like you do.”