I Just Can't Handle It - John Deacon

It's Livi

I hardly slept that night. I was so worried about John. Every time I did get a bit of sleep I had a nightmare. It would always involve something ripping me and John apart and I would wake up hyperventilating. How am I suppose to go through the rest of the month without John and I being suspiciously awkward around each other.

I had a walk the next morning. I wasn't going anywhere in particular, I just needed to get away from the farm for a bit. Then a dreaded thought came into my head, Dad will be here on Sunday. Yes it's only Friday but I need that time to prepare myself. Nothing has been working out and I've been feeling emotional. Roger has been demanding his song on the b-side of the album and I know for a fact that Dad will disapprove. I heard Roger recording it today while I was getting a quick breakfast. I didn't talk to anybody this morning, but I think they knew to give me some space as well as John. It was clear that something had happened, the atmosphere was suffocating. That's the main reason why I'm wondering around a random field right now.

I decided that walking around a field wasn't getting any work done so I decided to go back and either help Roger with recording. I knew John would be in there but I can't just avoid him. I need to prove that I am strong and can deal with this. If word spread to my dad I would be out of this job in an instant.

I wandered back though the field of barley and wild flowers to the farm house. When I walked in I went straight to the recording studio. I waltzed into the room with false confidence.

"What's going on then boys?" I quizzed with a smile

"Freddie won't play properly" Roger mumbled from behind his drum kit

"Freddie, the better you play, the quicker it's done. We've only got a month and this building is already making me go insane" I rolled my eyes

Everyone was in a weird and quiet mood. I didn't like it at all. Freddie got up and walked over to me, taking my hand and leading me outside.

"I'll be back in two minutes" Freddie said just before closing the door on the studio

"Everything ok Fred?" I asked

"I should be asking you that" Freddie gave me a knowing look

"W-what do you mean?" I defended

"John told me" Freddie sighed

"He got it wrong and I've messed it up"

"Tell me your side of the story" Freddie held my hand

"I was on the sofa, with Bri. We were cuddled up watching a show. John walks in and thinks he's interrupting something more...I don't know, romantic?" I stated, "He ran upstairs and Brian convinced me to go after him. I did, I knocked on his bedroom door and he opened it. He wouldn't look at me and I don't know what came over me but I kissed him. John stepped back and said he couldn't do this" I explained

"Alright. Would you like to know John's perspective of it?" Freddie asked

"Please" I sighed

"Ok. Well..."

~flashback~

There was a knock at Freddie's door. Freddie had always been a light sleeper so he heard it immediately. He rolled over at looked at his clock which read 1:28am - far too early to even think about moving.

"Come in" He mumbled just loud enough so the person on the other side of the door could hear, but not loud enough to wake the whole house up

"I-it's me" John whimpered

"Darling whatever's the matter?" Freddie shot up and wrapped his tearful friend in a hug

"It's Livi" He whispered

"Is she ok?" Freddie furrowed his brows

"You know h-how much I like her b-but I s-saw her with Brian. They were hugging and I was so jealous of him. I ran away to my room because so many emotions were searing through me: sadness, anger, jealousy. I don't want to be that person." John sniffled

"You will never be that person John, you have the most purest heart of gold" Freddie smiled to show he meant it

"Then Livi came to find me. She knocked on my door but when I opened it I wouldn't look at her. I didn't want to show I was upset" John took a few deep breaths before carrying on with his story, "Then she kissed me. She kissed me Freddie and I made our first kiss a disaster. All I felt was happiness. I felt like, finally things were going my way. My heart could have literally burst out of my chest. Then all I could think about was her and Brian s-so I stepped away. I couldn't do that to them. I don't want to get involved in any of that." John explained

"John dearest. I know there must be more to this. I very much doubt that Livi and Brian have something going on. Jim would honestly flip if there was" Freddie chuckled lightly, "I'll talk to her for you. But please trust me when I say that I'm positive you're not the only one between you and Livi that is catching feelings for the other"

"You can't be sure" John muttered, seeming very upset

"Oh, but I am, dear" Freddie smiled

~end of flashback~

"...I'm guessing that's why he stepped back" Freddie had a frown on his face

"Now he won't talk to me" I tutted

"He'll come back to you I'm sure. I'll have a word with him" Freddie winked