I Just Can't Handle It - John Deacon

Mother May

Dad had gone home after hearing Sweet Lady, The Prophet's song, and '39. Apparently he quite liked them, I wasn't there though. I went off for a walk around the gardens of Ridge Farm. I needed some time to think about my pretty uncertain future. What if I do have to go to university?

I sat on one of the wooden gates and looked out to the horizon. There were lights from a distant town to the left of me and stars were dotted everywhere above me. It was nice to just sit there in complete silence and think about everything. I even thought about John. I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to be with him. He's thoughtful and kind and everything you'd want in a guy. I just can't help but think that I am not good enough for him, I'd drag him into all of my personal mess.

My life has always been complicated. Since birth really. My parents are separated, I don't see my mum often, I don't have friends, I'm not the best academically....everything that can go wrong, goes wrong.

"Livi!" I heard Brian shout

"I'm over here!" I shouted back

In no time at all I heard the footsteps of Brian. He leant up against the gate I was sat on and sighed.

"What's the matter?" Brian asked

"I don't know what I'm doing Bri" I burst into a sob

Brian swiftly lifted me off the gate and hugged me tightly.

"It's ok" he hushed me

"Sorry" I sniffed, "I feel like everything is against me and I can't do anything right"

"Don't say sorry. It's a good job I was the one to come and find you" Brian giggled. He knew his bad humour was the best way to make me smile.

"You're the only one I can cry with" I wiped my last wave of tears

"Not John?" Brian raises an eyebrow

"Not yet" I grinned, "Was he going to come and find me?" I quizzed

"Yeah. He told me about Jim but I kind of guessed. I thought you might be in a bit of a state so I said I'd go." Brian explained

"Thank you" I smiled

"Let's go in. I think Fred has got the alcohol out" Brian rubbed his hands together

"Alright then, lead the way Mr May" I chuckled

We went back into the house and the first thing I heard was a champagne cork popping off and a cheer coming from the frontman. We walked into the living room and a glass was shoved into my hand.

"Mmm thank you" I smiled as fizz was poured into the glass

Now, if I'm honest with you, the rest of the night is a bit of a jumble. Freddie made sure that my glass was never empty. They must've known I needed cheering up and drowning my sorrows. Most of what I remember involves laughing. Laughing to the point that I felt like my lungs were about to collapse. I also remember dancing...with John. It wasn't a romantic slow dance, it was a silly dance to some random midnight radio station.

I woke up the next morning feeling that usual Monday blues. My eyes fluttered open but when they saw where I was, they were open like a shot. I was in John's room. In his bed. I slowly turned my head to see if John was with me, but to my surprise he wasn't. I was still in the clothes I wore last night, which consisted of a yellow vest and white shorts. At least I know I didn't get up to any regrettable business.

I peeled myself out of very nice smelling bed and crept as quietly as I could downstairs. I tiptoed into the living room and found John asleep on the sofa. Lord only knows what happened last night. I sat on the opposite sofa and flicked through a magazine. That was until Brian wondered in.

"Morning" he whispered

"Hey" I smiled, using the same hushed tone as the guitar player

"Freddie and Roger are completely out of it, I just checked on them" Brian smiled

"You're such a mother. Mother May!" I giggled quietly, "Do you know how I ended up in John's bed and he ended up down here?"

"Yes" Brian grinned

"Tell me" I raised my voice slightly

"So, you got wasted. Like off your head" Brian started

"Yes, I know, I have a headache" I rubbed my temple as I spoke

"Well, we had to get you to bed as it was late but we couldn't find your key to your room anywhere. Roger was literally about to have a meltdown trying to find your key. Why do you keep it locked anyway?" Brian asked

"I don't know. I do at home, it's just an escape from the rest of the world thing. Plus I have biscuits in there and if Freddie finds out, he's be rummaging though everything I own" I explained

"Alright" Brian chuckled, "Anyway, we gave up on finding your key. John offered for you to go in his bed and him to sleep down here. Between you and me, Freddie kept shouting at him, trying to get him to go to bed with you. No funny business, just to sleep. Freddie thinks you'd be a cute couple and he is literally dying to initiate something." Brian whispered

"I don't want him to feel pressured" I spoke quietly and seriously

"I know. Freddie was just drunk and I don't think he meant how it sounds. He sees John as a little brother and he just wants a nice girl to sweep him off his feet" Brian spoke with his hands

"I'm glad that this is how it ended up. I think I need to speak to Freddie when he wakes up" I nodded

"Yeah. I doubt he'll remember last night but he might be able to tell you some more about John" Brian said, looking over to the other sofa where the bass player was snoring softly.