Finding Me (A Joe Sugg / ThatcherJoe Fanfiction)

Chapter Thirty - Six

Was this a dream? Was everything worth living for a dream? Joe… he wasn’t a dream, was he? When our lips touched I felt a spark, and that had to mean something. Right? He was the only one I wanted to be around for the rest of my life and even though our lives were difficult and he was constantly getting offers to travel to other places- he never would. I wasn’t some charity case he would use to get a Nobel Peace Prize, or I wasn’t some girl to him. He understood all of me and how much pain I was in. Since Layla was gone for a while and Caspar and Joe were all that I had, I promised myself I would be strong. Since everybody knew my name from being on television, I had to be strong.

            There was a light feeling in my chest now and I could only assume that the doctors were elbow deep in me… What a horrific joke at this time, Mary… Once I wake up from this Trans or nap (whichever one), I would definitely have to tell Caspar that one because I am sure he would appreciate it. It is such a strange feeling to have random people cut open your chest and play around with your heart, and I mean quite literally. I always used to say that people would play around with my heart, but I always imagined it was a figurative saying. Throughout all of my pain- there was one thing keeping me going besides my cruel jokes- and that was love. Love has taught me so many things about life and being the best I could be. In America I would have always stuck with Justin and done whatever he said, heck, I might have even still been with him. He was the only “love” I had ever known up until this point. Now it was clear skies and Joseph. Joe taught me everything I needed to know about feeling wanted and being beautiful without having to tell me every single day. The way his hand would circle my palm, or the way that I would be laying down and he would curl up right beside me made me feel not so alone. And so what if in the past he was this “womanizer” his family made him turn out to be. None of that mattered because as of right now I was his, and he was mine.

The light shined through my closed eyelids, but I could not do anything. They knocked me out deep with that gas. I wanted to come back to reality so I could tell Joe how much I missed him and how much I thought of him, but I could not move. I was conscious of all the activities going around me, but I could physically not move. In high school I read a book like that- all about the stream of consciousness. Johnny Got His Gun, was the name, but the year after I read it they banned it from the school. It was interesting to say the least, the war veteran had a head and a torso only, yet he thought with full capacity of a man with full capabilities.

What if I was him? What if I woke up and had no legs or arms? Now I was freaking out.

--------------------------- 

“Ms. Stewart… Ms. Stewart,” a name called. I opened my eyes very slowly and I looked down at my legs and arms. I was okay.

“Hi,” I replied looking at the doctor in front of me. He gave me a big smile and sat on the side of my hospital bed.

“Now this is very important that you listen to me. There is a tumor in your heart and we scraped as much of the cancerous tissues away, so that in the future we can go back in and fully remove the tumor. But if your progression of the cancer continues then there is not much else we can do… So go out and live life with Joseph, he has been worried sick about you. As for now you are cancer-free, but you still need to keep coming to your radiations and keep getting those MRI scans. Those are very important if you want to continue to have a healthy life,” he smiled at me. There were tears rolling down my face and I was picking at my cuticles on my fingers. I was cancer-free. Sure he said that the cancerous tissue may come back, but as of now I was cancer-free. I looked up at him and smiled while the tears were coming down my cheeks.

“Would you like to tell your friends the good news?” he asked going towards the door and opening it. Caspar, Joe, and Layla all flew in the room after the doctor left.

“Layla!” I said happily from the bed. She ran up next to me and crawled on the bed. Her hair was significantly darker than when she left to go back to America, but it suited her. Her arms were wrapped around my head and she was crying into my gown.

“I did not want you to die. I had to pull so many strings to be here, but I just had to. I love you so much Mary and I can’t believe those little douche-heads were threatening me when I was coming here!” she laughed into my shoulder and wiped her eyes. Mascara and eyeliner ran down her face and Caspar came to her rescue with a tissue to wipe the stains. Joe stayed silent in the corner of the room and stared at me on the bed. One part of me wanted to go up and tell him the good news, but another wanted me to just bask here and watch him from afar.

“Can I talk to Joe privately?” I asked both of them. Layla seemed pretty shocked at first that I would be kicking her out, but then she realized that this had to be something very important. With a turn of heels they were both out of the door and Joe was walking closer to me.

“Joseph,” I said extending my hand. He grabbed it without a word, and I pulled him on the bed besides me. “I love you so much, and I know how scary this must have been for you. It has been scary for me too… But I want to thank you for how good you have been during all of this. I have never met a stronger man than you in all of my life… And even though there was a chance that I might have died here, I didn’t, and it is all because you believed in me… I could not have made it here if it wasn’t for you Joe…”

“Mary, you are absolutely beautiful. You always have been and you always will be. You told me that you wouldn’t be beautiful when you were going to radiation because your hair would thin out and you would grow weaker, but I see you growing stronger. Maybe your appearance has changed, but appearances do not matter to me. In fact, I still think you look beautiful and I still think you look smoking hot,” he stroked my thin hair and closed his eyes to kiss my forehead, “you are so strong Marilyn, and I need to be with you. I will stick with you throughout all of this and none of this will ever be any kind of burden on me.”

Our breathing was in sync and he laid his head down besides mine. Even though this was a rather rough spot in my life, I would have never traded it for anything else. Joe took his hand and put it carefully down on my heart. He looked at me with teary eyes and he just broke down. I had never seen a man do that before and I cradled him in my arms. This had to be hard on him as well as it was on me. I rubbed his hair and told him that everything was going to be alright. The moment he looked up at me, I noticed how much pain he was in.

“Don’t look at me like that Joseph, I know that you feel bad and that you’re very sad about this whole thing, but this is a learning experience and we have to push past this…” I cupped his chin in my hand and I winked at him. God, I was so tired and all I wanted to do was sleep. I closed my eyes, because in the next moment the news I had to tell him was going to take all the energy I had been saving up.

“Joe,” I exhaled longingly, “I am cancer free.”

------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Like the feels my homies. Ugh this chapter almost made me cry a little bit bc I have been in this situation and ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So y’all, v. important question…  should I enter this into the Wattys bc I really want to, but I don’t know how the 1d fandom would appreciate this J

OH OH OH. And im going to start doing dedications for this book and the next one starting NOW.

Dedicated to @ThemBrits bc swag yolo. And I want your brothers phone number <3

-Court (and Kris watching Supernatural)