Finding Me (A Joe Sugg / ThatcherJoe Fanfiction)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

After the picture "awakening" Joe and I joined Caspar and Layla out in the living quarters. My whole demeanor had changed ever since I saw that picture and made me think about all the good times I've had over the past month. I humiliated my ex boyfriend in front of my school, I met Joseph Sugg- legendary YouTube personality, I got accepted and transferred to a school of my dreams... My life was fulfilled to say the least. The worst part about this experience had to be receiving the news about cancer, or Brandon. That had a ring to it. The worst things always sound so terrible together, don't they? I slid my hand into Josephs as we sat down. This was one thing I could never get tired of. He was always so good to me, perfect. How could someone as successful and wonderful as him end up loving, or even liking, someone as messed up as I was? Even when we first met I never realized how messed up I was, but now he was mine. Joe was the sunshine of my life and made every single day worth living. I could never repay him for what he has done for me, especially making me feel as accepted as he did.
"What's up? You look really deep into thought," Joe noticed and squeezed my hand tightly. Even the slightest movements like tightening his hand around mine made me fall deeper and harder in love.
"Yeah, I was a little bit," I smiled and looked up at him. Why did he have to be so cute?
"About.." he motioned with his other hand. I looked over and saw Caspar and Layla deep in conversation and smiling after almost every word being said.
"Everything," I said truthfully. He seemed confused about what I was talking about because I gave him a rather broad concept. Although I literally meant that I was thinking about everything, I am sure he just figured I was thinking about a girls view of "everything". My life was growing better every single day even though I knew that with every living second my cancer grew throughout my body. Life was full of tradeoffs, and I would rather spend every moment with Joe by my side than get better.
"Very philosophical... Do you remember that dream you had this morning?" he asked concerned. I brought my hand to my forehead because that was the sort of dream that you could never forget.
"My grandfather was in it. He said that this was all my fault, he thinks I'm a bad person," I said looking at him with wide eyes. I didn't know whether he would think I was crazy or not for having talked about my grandfather in a dream.
"Is your grandfather dead?" he asked seriously. Did he think I was crazy?
"He died soon after my father died-" I said without thinking. I wanted to kill myself, I never told Joe that my dad died, but after this careless mistake he is going to know.
"Your dad died? Oh God Marilyn, I am truly so sorry... I didn't know..." No, of course you wouldn't know because I was being selfish and thought about my feelings rather than yours.
"Don't be sorry, I thought I could cruise life by without having to tell people that my father died. It's hard, actually it is still hard to deal with, we were close. I just thought that you wouldn't ask about my dad..." I mentally stabbed my eyes out and ripped my entrails out of my body. I knew that keeping a big secret like this would end up getting out somehow. I looked over at my sister for a second time and she was glaring intently at me. She probably heard the conversation between Joe and I, I thought. I smiled at her, but she did not respond back. Her eyes felt like daggers upon me and I returned my gaze back upon Joe.
"I am honestly so sorry... How did he... Pass?" he asked in the friendliest way. I smiled at him and tears were starting to form in my eyes. I had to tell him.
"Cancer," I said slowly. He looked very shocked and put a hand on his mouth. "But it's not the same kind I have. You know my dad always said I was like him. Now I believe it. He battled with brain cancer, I don't remember the name of it... He had a lot of tumors in his brain. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. He used to get these big headaches- 'migraines' he would call them- but he got them far too often for them to be considered normal. So one day he went to the hospital by himself and never came home. A few days later he came back home, but you could tell he was drinking. My mom rushed Layla and I to bed because it was around our bedtime... I listened through the door to hear what they were saying while Layla crawled into bed and went to sleep. I listened intently as they screamed at each other. I even remember what I was wearing that night- a pink nightgown with white frills on the collar and sleeves- but it would never cover what I heard. Honestly, when I was growing up I only thought cancer was for old people and bad people, but my dad was neither one of those criteria, so obviously at that point I was confused. Throughout my parents screaming match I went into the kitchen with them and stood still with my hands on my sides. My dad looked at me and cried- he didn't say anything that night- he just cried. My mom soon joined him and they both kneeled before me and hugged me. I remember asking her what cancer was and why people get it. Guess how my mom responded? She kissed my cheek and told me that my dad was going to be leaving. I didn't know she meant he was going to leave forever. I even remember staying at the hospital for weeks. My dad wasn't allowed to leave because after all the radiation he was weak; he couldn't even stand up without help. The last memory I even have of him is sitting on his bed with him, while he was so close to death. He laid there, so still, so silent. He couldn't talk because it took up so much energy. We sat in silence when he died. Everything was silent," I rubbed my eyes and rubbed my runny nose. Once I opened my eyes Layla was sitting on the coffee table with puffy red eyes. She extended her hand to me and I took it. My motherly instinct kicked in and I pulled her into a hug on the couch. Her head was cradled into the crook in my neck. With every breath taken there was a loud heartfelt sob and tears drained down my neck. I stroked Layla's hair and she kept sobbing harder and harder. Through teary eyes I looked over to Joe who was crying also. Even though his tears were not as loud or hard as Layla's, they were still there and they still stained his cheeks. I looked over at Caspar and he was crying as well. Throughout all of our vulnerabilities, I noticed something that I would not have noticed any other way, I realized how close the four of us were. Not only were we two couples that were intertwined by relationship status, but we were a family. I would do anything for my family- as of now I would do anything with them as well. I love my new family.
"I am so sorry," I said looking around at everybody. I rubbed my eyes and Layla nudged me with her head. Joe and Caspar joined our hug and once they both joined everyone began to cry again. Nobody could replace my father or mother, but Joe and Caspar filled a new void I was missing in my life. Friendship was what I was missing. I never had the type of friends who I could talk to about anything and within a month I developed new relationships with people I never had expected. My life has been flipped upside down and flipped back up again and I was thankful.
"I love you guys," I said breathing into someones shoulder.
"I am so sorry that something as tragic as this would happen to you," Joe, or what sounded like Joe, said. We broke up from the hug and we all rubbed our eyes.
"I am so lucky to have you guys as friends and more," I said blowing my nose with the end of my shirt. I didn't care how ugly I was looking right now, but I needed them all to know how much I cherish them and all the times we have had so far. It is a shame that sometime in the future these times would have to end.
"We both love you two so much. In fact, I'm sure that you two are the only ones Joe and I have searched for. Needless to say these times we have all shared have meant so much. Layla, I love you, and I do not say that as much as I should," Caspar looked at Layla then at Joe who wiped his face. He looked at me with complete admiration and smiled throughout all of his tears. I smiled back at him and I let one more tear escape, for old times sake. He rushed over at me and picked me up. My hands flew around his neck and I put my head into the crevice of his neck.
"I will always love you," I said quietly. He moved his head back so that he could look at me and he kissed my nose.
"Always," he smiled.
---

The phone was ringing, loudly if that. Was I the only one in this household that could hear it? I left Joe in bed and I silently crept to answer the phone.
"Hi is Ms. Marilyn Stewart there?" a man asked on the other end.
"This is she, can I help you?" I asked twirling the phone wire in my hand. I never understood why electronics and communication had to change so quickly. I liked this phone because it still had an old feel to it while being connected to the wall.
"Hi Marilyn, this is Dr. Clifford. How are you?" he asked on the line. I exhaled deeply and closed my eyes.
"I am doing fine. What's up?" I asked looking around the room, so if I get bad news I would be prepared to cry.
"Listen, we have the results of the MRI you took. From the looks of it you have cancerous cells in the soft tissue around your heart and it doesn't look like it spread anywhere major. There is however a place where a cell is infecting other tissues which is detrimental that we remove it. At this pace however, it looks like this cell will be going towards your lungs. We need you to come in tomorrow for a full radiation treatment. We got news of the insurance and they will be paying for all your medical treatment. Do you have any questions?" What the hell.
"N-n-no doctor, thank you," I said hanging up on him. Spreading? It was spreading. I am going to die.
"Baby," Joe walked out of our room and held my waist as I stood in place.
"It's spreading," I said quietly. He tightened his arms around my waist and leaned his head against my back.
"I will watch you and make sure that nothing is wrong. You will be okay," he breathed.
"Joe you don't know that," I said sternly. I balled my fists up and I closed my eyes.
"Damn it Marilyn, will you just listen to me? You are going to be okay. I will make sure nothing happens to you. Just listen to me, I will be here to protect you and be with you throughout all of this," he turned me around so I faced him and he stared at me waiting for a response.
"I am starting radiation tomorrow," I said unemotionally. My body was weak and I was mentally drained. After yesterday when I finally told Joe about my father my mind has been running with bad thoughts and images of what could happen.
"You are strong Marilyn, whatever you decide to do, and however it plays out. You are strong," he held my hand and I forcefully took mine away.
"I need a drink," I said walking down the stairs and out of the house. To be honest, I didn't know where I was going.
---

"Ma'am," a lady budged me on the shoulder at the bar. I had a few drinks... I lost count after my seventh or so shot of something I couldn't even remember.
"Leave.. m-me be," I spat out at her rudely.
"You are drunk ma'am. Where do you live?" she asked putting an arm around me.
"I s-s-said, leave me," I stood up and exited the bar. Where was I?
"Don't I know you?" someone asked behind me. I turned around and saw some man standing behind me.
"Wh-who are y-y-ou?" I asked holding my head. The entire world was spinning and I could not remember this guy from anywhere.
"Dustin, remember me?" he asked coming closer to me.
"Don't.. don't.. touch me," I slurred out. He grabbed my wrist hard.
"I'll get you cleaned up," he said dragging me down the street. I screamed and kicked as loud and as hard as I could, but nobody could hear me.