Finding Me (A Joe Sugg / ThatcherJoe Fanfiction)

Chapter Twenty-Four

Was sleeping even in my forte now? I would sleep one hour and wake up the next. My conscious has been telling me to call my mom and do it no matter the time of day. With that I groaned and looked over at a peaceful Joe. I became teary eyed when I realized how I would never work up enough courage to tell him I was sick and getting sicker every day, but I had to... At least before my first radiation treatment. I picked up my cell phone and went out into the living space and sat on the couch. Everybody was asleep and the room was quiet. My head ached for a certain closure with my sickness and I wanted to scream and tell Joe, but I couldn't infect him. I sighed and unlocked my phone. The brightness nearly killed me and I winced as I quickly went to settings to turn it down. Much better. I scrolled my contacts to find the house phone number. Ever since I came back from England, my mom got a home phone to keep in contact with me. She's such a gem. I clicked the name and put the phone up to my ear. I was fiddling with my fingertips until I heard a friendly voice.
"Mom?" I whispered. I realized it must be about two in the morning over there, but she would pick up any time of day when Layla and I only had her number.
"Marilyn honey is that you? Are you okay?" She said worriedly. I missed her so much during my stay and I wish she could just be here...
"Mom, I'm fine. I have to tell you something that happened a few days ago," I said exhaling noisily and covering my mouth. Tears were streaming down my face because this was the news that would change our lives.
"What is it darling?" She yawned into the phone. I knew she was tired, but I couldn't wait any longer to tell her.
"Mom, I love you. That's not all I have to say... I have to tell you something important, but you can't freak out and stuff, okay?" I said closing my eyes and wiping them with my arm.
"Honey, are you pregnant?" She asked seriously.
"What-no. Mom, no," I shook my head. This was just a little comic relief before this huge bomb I'm about to set off.
"Then what is it?"
"Mom, a few days ago I left Joe's house, because that's where I'm staying now, as you know. And we fought and I went to the hotel where Layla and I stayed and in the morning I couldn't breathe. I went out in the lobby and I passed out. I thought I was dead... The next thing I knew I was in the hospital and the doctor came in and we talked about what was wrong with me... Mom, I have cancer. I love you, I don't want you to be worried about me. Everybody here can take care of me. Layla already takes care of me and Joe is the sweetest man in the world..." I said breathlessly. I had tears streaming down my face, but it was no match for my moms sobbing on the other end.
"You were always your fathers child, but I didn't know that literally! Please tell me this is a dream, please tell me you are lying! Marilyn!" She yelled into the phone. With each word she became angrier and sadder.
"Mom, I'm not lying. It's heart cancer, it may spread," I said wiping my cheeks. I wish I could do the same for my mother who was hysterically crying and blowing her nose. My mom has always been there for me to watch after me, and now that I moved here, she cannot do anything for me. She must feel completely worthless; although she's not.
"Oh Marilyn, I will do anything to just wish it away for you. I will pray for you even more than I already do, I will do anything for it... What did the doctor say about it?" She calmed down just a little, but she still hiccuped every now and then from all her crying.
"It was heart cancer, they don't know how I got it... It could spread to my lungs, there's a fifty-fifty chance I could die..." I said resting my elbows on my knees and playing with my hair.
"You can't die, not like your father. Do you remember when he died Marilyn? I fell to pieces. I couldn't eat, I couldn't live... I've lost my life, but I could live for you and Layla... I swore I would never let a bad thing happen to you, and I let you down. I am the worst mother in the history of the world. I'm telling you that you cannot die," she said in an exasperated tone. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I broke down in sad, sad sobs. My breaths deepened and came in short bursts, I could not ware myself out any longer..
"My baby, please calm down..." She said from the other end. I wiped my tears, yet continued to cry.
"I don't want to let you down mom, I promised myself that I would be strong for you. I made that promise to myself when dad died.. I want to give you and Layla the best life possible, but now it seems like a dream. Like everything I have ever worked for was a dream, I'm trying to be strong. I am. It's just so hard when everybody is out living a healthy life and you're dying on the inside. Nobody knows except the people you tell and cancer is nothing to be glorified. I have failed you by getting sick," I cried into my elbow as I held the phone up to my ear. My tears have left little dried patches all over my cheeks and I tried to rub them away, but the damage had already been done.
"Baby, you have not let me down one bit. If anything you have proved to yourself how strong you are. You know you didn't have to tell me anything, but you did. You are so strong and brave Marilyn. Your life is what you make it and I will pray for you. Remember that this is in Gods plan, everything is," she sniffled out. I rubbed my eyes and shook my head in agreement. She was right. I was strong. I did everything in my power to tell my mom what was going on and I did the same with everybody I loved. Today was the day I was going to tell Joe. I had to.
"I haven't told Joe," I told her closing my eyes and sighing.
"Are you nervous?" She asked.
"Yes, I don't know if he'll break up with me or not. It's scary," I admitted. I never said it out loud, but the true fact was that I would have nowhere to go if Joe dumped me.
"Listen to me. When your dad told me that he had cancer I couldn't do anything. I had no energy left in my body because I was crying all the time. But I loved him, in fact if it was possible, I loved him more. I took care of him because he was the only one I wanted to be with and I had to make sure he was safe every night. So if Joe ever loved you, he wouldn't break up with you, he would love you more," she said sadly. I covered my eyes with my hand and sat there thinking about my situation. He should love me regardless of what was happening, my mother was right.
"Thank you," I said lowly.
"I love you baby," she said yawning.
"Do you want me to hang up with you so you can sleep?" I asked looking at the time. We had been on the phone for over an hour and I was not tired.
"No, I'd rather be on the phone with you."
For hours we sat there talking about whatever we wanted to- and not about cancer. We talked about my childhood, my dad, and how it was over in America. I sure did miss it, although I liked it over here. She would joke with me on the phone and it reminded me of old times when I was little. Ever since my dad passed she had been very uptight about everything, but after Layla and I left and came back she was the same person as she was before. She was so carefree and beautiful. Her soul shown with everything she wore and it made her personality one-of-a-kind. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever met and I was glad she was my mother. I had hoped since I told her of my illness she would let me see fit and make my own decisions, which I generously agreed with and smiled at. She was the perfect mother I had ever hoped to be. Speaking of, would I ever become a mother? Would I ever be able to bear a child with my cancer? Thought the phone call there were more tears, laughs, and smiles than I ever had or shared with anybody. The sun shot through the windows reminding me that morning was upon me and that today would be the day that I would tell Joseph my news. I heard a door open and close and I was startled when I saw Joe sleepily walk over to me and lean his head into my lap.
"I have to go mom, everyone is waking up. I love you," I said smiling at Joe. He smiled back and whispered, "you don't have to."
"Alright Marilyn love you, tell Layla and Caspar that I love them and good luck." I hung up the phone and laid it on the couch as I closed my eyes and ran my fingers through Joe's hair.
"Were you up all night?" He asked yawning.
"Pretty much, I couldn't sleep very good," I said yawning with him. That was very contagious.
"I was sad when I woke up and realized you weren't there, it was a weird feeling... It brought me back to the days when you weren't there," he said closing his eyes and exhaling.
"Well, I'll always be here," I said laying down on the couch along with him. The couch was rather small, so I had to lie on top of him to get this to work.
"I know you will," he said putting his arms on my back and interlocking his fingertips so they would stay there. I put my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat. What a wonderful thing a human was. So full of life and mystery, yet so sad and miserable in any instance. My eyes closed and my breathing steadied to match his. Exhale, inhale.