SaiOuma Stories

Dysphoria

(I finally found inspiration to write the trans Au, my first time trying it.)

Suffocation, a squeezing sensation that snuffs out the breath of one's life. Crushing your lungs and making you wish you could escape. Dizziness engulfed his mind, hot tears drip off his chin as he remembers how much he burned in his own skin.

He yearned to be something than he was. Curled up in the sheets, entangled in his thoughts. Pain searing across his chest as it takes ahold of his fragile mind. Cracking it between the invisible fingers. Snapping- shattering- he swallowed hard.

The sun was too bright, it shot into his room at first day break. He had to close the curtains, the spotlight of the universe shook him to the edge on a once peaceful quiet week. He woke up to the throbbing ache. A horrid, putrid reminder that he's fake.

Once it takes control, once it sizzles into the flesh you can't claim as your own. You wish for some other relief to strain your breath besides the suffocation that attempts to bring you that relief. An alleviation to the agony that stuck him inside a place he'll never escape.

Shuichi grimaced as another throb echoed in his head, resonating down to his chest. The radiating discomfort felt as overwhelming as the too-bright sun in the too-early morning.

His heart plummeted as he realized what was going to happen today.

Kokichi's coming over.

No, no, not now. Not today. Please.

He loved him, more than anything. But there was something about him that everyone knew. Shuichi sucked in a shaky breath of hot, heavy air. Nervously gnawing on his lower lip as he shrunk back into the covers that hide his burning flesh.

Kokichi hates liars.

The weight on his shoulders doubled and increased the tons that sank into his head. The irritation pulsating twitch behind his eyes started and the room dipped. He squeezed his eyes shut as the thoughts roamed free.

He was a disgusting. Gross. Big fat lie.

The persecution he feared buckled under his stomach and he suddenly felt sick. Or, sicker.

If Kokichi found out—oh god if he found out.

He'd look at him with such a revolting glare. Words would be shot into his mind that could never be taken back. He's already been claimed as a repugnant, loathsome mistake. Having been changing the body 'she' was born into, he's been hit for it.

He hadn't realized the alarm clock on his desk flash the numbers of his untimely arrival. When the sound of the door knocking rang out through the suddenly thin air, he was frozen.

A stiffness overwhelmed him and only the tears managed to squeeze through. Tracking down his face as his stare rested out the window where he wished to run to, or at least escape. He can't lie anymore. He can't take it anymore.

He loved Kokichi. So, so much. But having Shuichi as a parasite if what he so wishes to be, he can't have Kokichi believing in the thing he would find so vile.

The front door opened and Shuichi could almost hear the footsteps of his sealed fate creeping closer. Kokichi said he wanted to hang out today, he wanted to watch a movie and relax with him.

The knocks on his bedroom door make him flinch.

"...Shuumai?" He called out softly. The door knob turned and Shuichi regretted not locking it. It would stall his boyfriend for only so long though. He wasn't looking at the door, but he could tell he was peeking his head in.