Why Do You CareMortal Instruments

Part 38

Clary's POV

I haven't left my room since I woke up. After the little break down I had I forced them to move me to my room and leave me alone. I couldn't deal with the fact that I nearly killed them all. 

All I do is sit on the bed and feel nothing. Moments of anger and pain, otherwise I feel nothing. 

"How long will she not want to talk to us?" I hear Jace ask from outside my door. They think I can't hear them through the door. I have heard every one of their conversations. Jace, Simon, Gavin and Izzy won't leave my door. 

"It will take time. She needs to get over the fact that Malcolm nearly made her kill all of you." Magnus says. He is the only one I am letting in and talking to. 

I wake up screaming every night filled with nightmares of the fight. Of watching Simon get sliced up. About Izzy's screams of hatred towards me. How can I forgive myself for causing them that emotional pain. The physical pain through the parabatai bond for Alec. The mental panic I put them through when they thought I was agreeing with him.

Whenever my train of thought leads towards him I get this rush of anger. Anger that I can't control. How dare he ruin my life. How dare he make me feel like I'm ruining their lives.

I stand up, the anger fueling my movements as I walk over to the wall. The wall that has become littered with holes from these moments. The wall that reminds me what sort of person he is. 

I punch the wall with all of my strength. Another hole to take place with others. The pain stinging in my knuckles bring me back down. 

He did this just so he could control one thing. How could he take the one part of me that made me feel? 

I turn to go back to my bed. But I fall to my knees instead, anger now being replaced with sadness. How can I live any longer when all I feel is anger and sadness? Tears spill over my cheeks. What did I do? 

How can I move on and forgive myself for doing all of those things? All those comfort words mean nothing. It wasn't your fault. Of course it was. There was a part of me that enjoyed the feeling. You just need time. What time would heal the pain I feel on the inside? 

You weren't in control. There were times I was. I didn't act properly to stop it all. 

I lean back against the wall. The feeling of something solid and not moving helps me ground myself. My breathing goes from the ragged sobs to steady. The tears still falling as I look up to my roof. 

What can I do to change this? I should have gone. I shouldn't have fought to stay. 

"I don't care what she says, I'm going in there." Gavin's voice brought me out of this state. When I am like this I lose track of time and sense. I don't know how much noise I made but it must be enough to get their attention.

I don't want their attention. 

"No, you can't rush it. She has to let it go. Let it become something that won't rule her." Magnus replies. 

"I'm going in Magnus, you can't stop me." 

I look around for something to stop him from coming in. There was nothing in my immediate surround. I sigh. I will have to talk to him. 

Just as that thought crosses my mind the door is thrown open.  I look at Gavin. His hair is still disheveled from running his fingers through it too many times. His eyes were bloodshot with no sleep and he had bags under his eyes. I can't imagine I look any better. I can't sleep when they are at my door. 

"Clary, what have you done to the wall." I laugh without humor. Apparently I can feel something different.

"You focus on the wall." I say. 

"Well it looks like a mess. Like someone has tried to fight it and lost." I laugh again. Humorously this time.

"You must know that I did win. A wall can't move or fight back." He smiles at me and moves away from the door. 

"You are going to keep this open." Magnus calls. I manage a grin. I can feel something else and I am glad. 

"Of course Magnus, wouldn't dream of closing it on you." Gavin says. 

He continues moving forward so that he was standing right in front of me. I look up at him. I never lied about how I felt when Malcolm made me tell them. 

"How are you feeling?" He asks softly, kneeling so that we were now eye level. I looked just below him so I wouldn't meet his gaze.

"Not good." I say bluntly. 

"Is there anything we can do?" 

"Unless it involves wiping what happened from my memory, then no." 

"Well, I know som- There's nothing to do." 

"What were you going to say?" 

"Nothing. Now, are you able to come out and talk to everyone else? Have dinner with us?" 

"Um, probably not. I can barely face you without feeling regret." 

"You know it was never your fault? You weren't in control." I look up and glare at him. 

"I wasn't in control? How about the moments when I was? When I could have warned you about what is happening because I could control my voice? What about the times where I enjoyed what I was doing? How is any of that not my fault? It was all my fault. Everything that happened was my fault." 

"So leaving you behind at the cafe was your fault? Not listening and noticing that you were acting different was your fault? Being controlled by some freak warlock was your fault? Not noticing the small changes even though I've only known for for a couple of months was your fault? Not everything was your fault Clary. All of us should have noticed something was different with you. None of this was your fault." 

"Did you not just hear a word I said? I heard you. I know that wasn't all my fault but it pretty much was all of my fault." The rage that had subsided was growing. I needed to punch something. 

"No. We are all at fault. Malcolm the most. He was the one who controlled you. Made us nearly lose our friend. The one that brings joy to all of us. The one who was able to make me forget about the life I left behind. Because that is you. Not the person Malcolm made you." 

"Leave me alone. I need to be alone now." 

"That's not going to help you. I know how to deal with this. One of my friends is a therapist and knows how to deal and has taught me the basics. Just talk or even write it down. It helps."

All throughout the arguing I hadn't realised we were moving closer. Close enough I could feel his breath of my face. 

He was as out of breath as me. 

"Get away." 

"I can't do that Clary. Not now." He says, his eyes flicking down to my lips. I do the same without meaning to. "Clary, I need you in my life. So please stop fighting and blaming yourself. This isn't the girl I am falling for." 

I was speechless. I opened my mouth slightly in shock, controlling my breathing was getting harder. 

"Clary I want you." Was the last thing he said before kissing me. 

A/N

Chapter was getting too long so I decided to leave it here. Much love. 

I was going over my old chapters to see how I wrote my last kiss and I am cringing at how they look. I am definitely needing to edit them all. 

Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!

Thx for reading!