explicit content ➵ royce

Ch. XXIII - High School Bullshit.

[ Jay. ]

As some early sunlight is shining through my windows, I found myself waking up from my couch. I lifted up my head a little and see that a whole box of crumpled, soft Kleenex tissues is lying on my stomach, crotch, and even on the floor included my phone, face down. My head was throbbing but I don’t recall on smoking any weed at all in the past hours. As I’m blinking and rubbing my eyes, I just realized…

I’ve been crying.

It feels like my tears was returning back because what I just thought about what transpired last night. My heart is already resting in my stomach that probably any minute, it’ll be crushed.

After I called him, informing that my mom and I relationship is back to normal and I’m so close to home, did he all of a sudden started to go on the site and watch a flick that includes me? I’m not interested to know which but I’m hurt. Fuck it, I’m not in pain because he found out; I’m hurt because he refused to accept my apology and failed to trust me. What I’m mentally diagnosed with, I bashed out so I know he won’t waste his time talking to me again.

Losing somebody that brings you real smiles is the worst feeling. It’s like you’re missing out on air. Candidly, Chresanto was my air. If he weren’t, I wouldn’t lay here on this couch, sniffing and wiping every tear that’s attempting to fall. He was a true keeper and my preference was to love him forever, though next week would make up two months. I know the sex shouldn’t be the bigger part but when I lost his virginity because he then-trusted me, my outcome was Chres would be my last boyfriend. He’s not a virgin anymore but I know he regret on terminating his celibacy.

Knowing that he wish for a time machine and reverse back to the time we was strangers, it’s obvious to me that he hates me. And now every time I have that thought, my salty tears is filled up like a cup of tea. My second time crying for the week; it’ll probably be more.

I’m just a fucking twenty-one year old that wants everlasting love. Is that hard to ask? If I want that, I need Chresanto. Fuck the ‘there’s plenty fishes in the sea’ bullshit. How can I say this? He made me experience a side of me that it was rare from the start. I poured all my love for him. Now I’m sorry if it’s cliché, but it’s true. I even shared my talent to him, and I only sing to people if they’re important to me. When that person makes me elated that I don’t know will I become sad anytime soon.

After I quit my tears for now, I picked up my phone, and see that I have a message from Justice. She must’ve sent this before I feel asleep.

Justice😍: Let's skip that subject bc I know you brawling your eyes out. Wanna plan something tomorrow?

If my today’s agenda is to sit here, stuff my face with ice cream, and think about Chresanto, I will disappoint Justice. She’s the only one that know we split.

‘oh you know, since we’re fully legal and shit lets go to the bar.”

Instantly, she replied, ‘No. How about the beach?’

That’ll enlighten me. Maybe catching a wave could prevent me from thinking heavy; but not fully though. I’ll still become more of a mess when I get back.

‘i heard that hurricane Marie made some hella big waves right now. so why not?’

I sat my phone back on standby on on the glass table, now sitting my head in my hands in disheartened. Not only that I’m suffering from the pain that’s still unbelievable, I’m thinking about more words for Chresanto to forgive me.

I don’t understand why it’s so complicated to think from your mind. So mostly you would let your heart do the talking.

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