explicit content ➵ royce

Ch. XXII - Total Bullshit.

[ Jay. ]



“Rebecca, why did you ask me come here in the first place?” I demanded her to answer, even though I’m feeling that my throat is burning and my voice is shaking.


“Look, I told you,” she protested as she’s pasting back and forth and tuck a strand of hair behind her left ear. “I can’t let this huge gap between you and mom continue. Letting this total hatred proceed don’t make no fucking sense.”


“Who said that I hate her?” I looked at her with my squint eyes. “I can never hate my own—”


“—I know, I know, Jacob,” she paused and closed her eyes in frustration. Then, she exhaled deeply and sat next to me on her bed. I guess she’s fresh outta words like I am.


The silence started to build between us. Actually at a time like this, I desired for silence. Being hurt especially only with words, I can’t bare to speak about it—even though I should in general before it could affect me the most. Well, now… it’s too late. Those agonizing words took the best of me. I don’t know what should I do anymore to make my mom love me again. There’s nothing I have left to let my mom treat me like her first born again… and for the last time. After all these year and because of my external and slight internal change, it gave my mom a choice to permanently give up on me.


She’s truly against me and I’m wrecked for good.


Now other than my sister, who the hell else I should look up to? I was wrecked when she began to ignore my existence but when she choke me with those damned words, I doubt my heart will retrieve back in place. If I was younger, I would contemplate on something devastating like suicide just to get my mom’s attention. Either other way I’m going to hell anyway so suicide isn’t gonna solve shit. Even if I did kill myself, my mom would tend to think about something else; since I’m in considerate, rejected from being her son.


Just being so weighty on my damn mind, tears started well up and fall and I’m not bothered to wipe them away. It’s the worst feeling in the world, you just don’t know. I lost her, and she’s not even dead.


“Jacob, if you thinking about changing back to the old you… don’t,” Rebecca asserted, breaking the needing silence.


Finally, I eliminated my stray tears with my fingers. I appreciated my sister’s input but, it felt like I needed to know why. “Why not?” I spoke low.


I wasn’t planning to change back to my old self in the first place.


“Not because you have a hot boyfriend, ha. But your pansexuality is actually showing a lot of your sweet spot,” she continued. “I can admit… in the past before you went to college and lived off your own, you were much of an asshole. You were so self-centered and I’m lost on why mom still loved you because of that. Hell, I had to love the asshole side of you.” she paused after with a slight giggle, and so did I, still wiping the tears I had left.


Also, I couldn’t afford to get mad when Rebecca mentioned that in the past, I was conceited. I’m not proclaiming that it’s not true because it really is. When I was a fully hetero, you don’t wanna know how my attitude was.


“Even on those times when you used to scream that you hate me?” I questioned.


“Yeah,” she answered. “But you know what? I can never replace you and you’re always my brother. Just don’t redo or undo yourself because you want things to be back where it was. There’s a such thing as picking up the pieces.”


I had to no other option but to smile. And the more I smile, the more the gloomy mood is fading away; but still exist a little. My sister was my only sibling that loves me more than ever—even when I don’t ask for her to share her heart to me. Excuse me for being cliché, but I love my sister more. She’s willing to stay close with me when mom refuses her to. Yeah, we still argue here and there, but we end up solving the problem.


Before I could even do it first, Rebecca ended up hugging me from my left side.


“I love you,” murmured Rebecca.


“I love you too,” I purred back.


“Now I want you to tell that to mom,” she advised, letting go of me. “Because one day when she get sick and old, she’s gonna need you.”


I acknowledged that choice. This whole time, I realized that I wasn’t in shortage of ideas to make my mom love me again. I wasn’t even born to give up on stuff that’s totally important. What she blurted out, I’m predicting that she was just heated at the moment. She could have the regretting feeling right now, as we speak.


And if she don’t regret, it’s still best for me to send love back. If I say anything and she continue to ignore, hey… it was worth to share. No matter how foolish you might consider me.


I kissed Rebecca on her cheek, roughly run my fingers on top of her hair, and exited her bedroom. Now nervous as hell, I descended the flight of stairs quickly. When I finally made it to the living room floor, my mom spotted me, seems like she wanted to come upstairs, I believe. We both froze our glares. I can feel that my glance at her eyes was a mixture of pain and sorrow. And I could tell by hers that it’s… apologetic. I also can analyze that she been in tears for a while—maybe ever since I ran upstairs.


Let me speak up before the bitter side of her appear and kick me out the house.


“Ma, I know yo—”


Unexpectedly, she plunged me in a tight hug; that I’m now slanted into the air and feel confused. I was taller than her by inches so that explains I’m almost falling. Seconds later, her aura reached out to me and I mure my arms around her, with my eyes seal close.