Self Destruction is Such a Pretty Little Thing

But I Never Told You Everything

8/23/14

Three weeks down, too fucking many to go. I've had an eventful past two weeks, to say the least. Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Lets go with the good first. I've already finished with three weeks of school, and I had to write an essay on The Great Gatsby for AP lang & comp and apparently we have to do revisions, something I did not know at the time, but that's not the point, before revising my essay I would have received a 7 (the AP grading scale for essays is 0-9 0 being absolutely horrific and nine being perfectly flawless, a seven would be roughly an 86) Mr. Jolly said that it had the capability to be a 9 if it weren't so wordy. My first essay in that class has the capability to be perfect. I just find that to be absolutely amazing.

Now on to the not so great. Last Sunday I was in a car accident when the car in front of us stopped in the middle of the highway, they didn't have brake lights. I'm fine just some bruising. Jess is fine too just a few bruises, good because we thought she had internal bleeding. Nick has a broken arm, it was almost shattered and it looked like an "S" when they put him on a stretcher. It's safe to say that I won't be driving for a while. Although Im not physically injured being in a car is terrifying right now so. Guess who I got cast as in High School Musical? No one. I don't have a name. I don't have any spoken lines. Nothing. I have barely a part of a song just being in stage. Great. The best thing that could have possibly happened. Obviously. I feel so fucking stupid. Every time I have ever tried out for anything ever, this always fucking happens. It just confirms what I already know and it just feels like I've tried so hard to do something well and it never works out. It's such bullshit. This is my third year as a part if the theatre company, and this isn't my first show. The last real show we did I had a bigger part and I just do t understand Brown's logic when he gives completely inexperienced people leads. Are you fucking kidding me? I have done everything you have asked me to for three fucking years and this is what I get. Great. Thank for installing so much fucking confidence in me by saying if you have done previous shows then you are more likely to get a bigger part. Thanks for getting my hopes up for something more than mediocre. Jesus Christ. What's the point anyway. We're all dying. We're all going to die. Our entire lives are clawing our way up in to the world to apparently make something if ourselves. But what does it matter? At the end if the day, we're all selfish horrible creatures who try to get further by breaking down others. We push people down so that we can stand a little bit longer. And for what? so that someone hundreds of years from now will remember our names? so that we can feel like we did something worth living for. But what's the point? "'There will come a time' I said 'when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and discovered will be forgotten and all of this' I gestured around encompassingly- 'will have been for naught. Maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it's millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. There was a time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be time after. And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that's what everyone else does.'"(John Green TFIOS 12-13)

So tell me, why do we build ourselves up in houses that are built to fall apart? Why do we go about living as paper people in paper houses in paper towns? It's all thin and stupid and we're all gonna die and there's nothing we can do about it so why do we devote most of our lives doing stupid things we couldn't care less about so that we can build our futures when the only ending is the same fur every one of us. We're all going to end up at the same place we started. So what did we do with our limited time of consciousness? Do we cherish every second doing whatever it is we each want to do? No we all go through pointless years of school and jobs and guess what? A guy who goes to an Ivy League school and makes millions of dollars in his life time is going to die just like a homeless man who didn't finish high school. We're so stupid, we waste what time we have on following rules and hesitating and being scared if being who we are. For Christ sakes we invented words with negative meanings then forbade each other from saying them. We won't let two people of the same gender who are in love get married. We kill each other fur no reason and do nothing about it. What the fuck is wrong with us? I hope we all die soon because if we don't not only will we be twisted sick fucks but we will have broken each other beyond repair.

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I Don't Want To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About- Mayday Parade