Self Destruction is Such a Pretty Little Thing

If It Looks Like I'm Laughing I'm Really Just Asking To Leave

12/25/15

Sometimes I hate myself so much it feels like I can't breathe. And sometimes I'm homesick for places I've never been. Sometimes it feels like I'm losing control. And sometimes I miss people I have no business remembering. Sometimes I'm filled with so much hatred I feel the world ending behind my eyelids. And sometimes I can't bring myself to care enough to look up. Sometimes it feels like there's a fucking gaping hole in my chest. And sometimes all I want to do is claw myself to shreds. Sometimes I hate who I am. And sometimes I hate who I'm becoming.

All I hear is what I should do, what I have to do, who I should be and I can't really bring myself to care about the grades that are slipping or the applications I'm not sending or the fun I'm not having. All that I really want to do is be left alone in the academic sense. I don't want think about how I haven't even looked into fafsa or anything along those lines.

I can't tell if I'm happier than I used to be or if I've finally figured out how to fly with clipped wings. No matter how good a day is supposed to something always seems to taint. I'll open my big mouth and say something mind numbingly idiotic, or I'll make a fool of myself in some ridiculous way, or alcohol curdled words will be flung my way, or maybe I'll remember what I try constantly to forget. Either way I lie in bed nightly imagining vividly a vice I gave up nearly a year ago.

Maybe it's just me, but Christmas hasn't felt like Christmas in three or four years. Maybe it's this house or I have grown tired of the only real festivities is my parents starting to drink at 9 AM instead of 2. I kind of hate Christmas I think. I have to buy gifts for people I would rather not even see and de with them being drunk of their asses at ten AM.

I'm so sick of not seeing my family and then when I do see them they are wasted within the hour. It still hurts knowing I mean less than their vices but I feel mostly disdain these days. I feel wooden. I feel heavy. I don't feel alive.

I meant to write back in October but I'm a mess. Between school and shopping and self hatred and rehearsal and yearbook I don't really have much time to calm the fuck down and type out a few words. I'm sorry it's so short but all of these are. I'm sleepy and I'm sorry and happy holidays.

The Sharpest Lives -My Chemical Romance