Self Destruction is Such a Pretty Little Thing

Hate Is Running Through My Veins

May 14, 2016

Hate is a funny thing, you know? Well, maybe you do, maybe you don't. I definitely would say I do. I hate them. I hate that they make me do things that I hate, because they want to, because they can, because it's fun for them. I hate that I can here the words over and over again in my head. I hate that he doesn't care. I hate it. I hate it. I hate when they touch me, I hate what they say when they think I can't hear. I hate it so much I can't speak. Bit do you know what I hate more than all of that? I hate that I never say anything. I hate that I cry every time. I hate that I'm afraid. I hate how fucking weak I am. I hate myself so much more than I could ever hate them. I hate that I'm a hypocrite, too. I hate that I'm a liar, too.

Five days left of class, then five days of graduation practice and I'm done, it's almost over. Can you believe it? I started this journal when I was fourteen, freshman year, and here I am two weeks away from the end of high school. It's amazing. It's liberating. It's terifying. I'm leaving that place. It's staggering to think about. I'm just a dumb kid who was ready to die three and a half years ago and here I am not dead. Not ready. Not prepared. Not really living either. I don't think I've thoroughly expressed how much I'm going to miss those losers. It's tearing me apart. I'll be talking to someone and it'll hit me. How many more times will I tall to this person, how many more jokes, how many more hours, how long till the last goodbye? How long until we say goodbye, mixed with promises to keep in touch that we won't keep? I'm going to miss my sophomores. Well, I say "my", I'm not too close with any of them, but they're what has really kept my last year from being a complete failure. Every day in seventh period one of them will do something that in the very least will make me smile, make me laugh, no matter what kind of mood I'm in. No matter what disaster has just occurred in my life. I can always count on them to lift my spirits, even if it's a miniscule difference. They don't do it on purpose, I doubt they even know that they do it at all. But I'll always be grateful for that.

I got slapped in the face on Friday, consensually. Nicole wouldn't do it, even though I lost the round of patty cake. She got Joey to do it because she pansied out. He didn't do it hard, it was kind of disappointing really. It didn't hurt too much, just a slight tingle. I've definitely had worse. He slapped the Jesus out of Jacob when he lost their game. Hm.

Put The Gun Down- Andy Black
Oh my god, do not get me started on this album. It's amazing. I love it. 👌👌👌