Self Destruction is Such a Pretty Little Thing

The Breathing Has Got Too Hard

The Breathing Has Got Too Hard

What the actual fuck was I thinking? Do you know, because I surely don't. I am so fucking stupid. Why do I fucking trust so easily? I waste my thoughts, breath, and time on people who never give a single shit about me. Why do I always think they're going to be different. No ones proved me right, so far. So why. Do. I keep. Doing. It? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. And idiotic. I feel like someone's ripped open my chest, stuck their hand in, and started twisting. Incase that description wasn't enough it really fucking hurts. Why am I surprised? Your guess is as good as mine. And now there's blood stains in my carpet. Is he worth it? I don't know. I know it still hurts like a bitch and I'm shaking in my bed wrapped in blankets. And I'm tempted to take the plunge. I'm ready to jump. And the thing is, who's gonna tell him? No one. He won't find out till weeks from now, maybe a year. He'll never know why or how. He probably won't even care. Why would he? I made no impact in his life. I was just sort of there. Not a prominent there either. Not important, not relevant. He made me happy, whether he knew it or not. But I don't know anymore. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL A THING ANYMORE!!!! I know inappropriate song lyrics but its actually pretty appropriate, no?

(Backstory via texts between Mikala and I while this was being written. It explains more into detail why I'm upset.

Me: why?

Mikala: why what?

Me: Why did he get pepper sprayed?

Mikala: he has a bottle of pepper spray and it just exploded and went everywhere.

Me: That sucks

Mikala: yeah, my heart rate sky rocketed.

Me: I'm sorry

Mikala: it's not your fault. Trust me if you got pepper sprayed I probably would of stopped breathing

Me: yeah probs

Mikala: yeah babe

Me: sorry for the vague ass answers kind of in the middle if something

Mikala: Smurfing agaiN?

Me: nah. Something a bit more substantial, I'm afraid.

Mikala: Do I wanna ask?

Me: Do you?

Mikala: What is it?

Me: ****** (censored cause I'm not bringing names into this yo.)

Mikala: Awwwww!!!!!!!

Me: Why 'aw'? It's nothing good.

Mikala: oh. Sorry babe

Me: he's just not who I thought he was I guess

Mikala: I'm so sorry babe

Me: It's fine

Me: Not really but whatever

Me: Not really whatever either I'm about to fall apart completely

Mikala: ok I'm gonna make you happy some how. Please don't fall apart babe. I LUVS YOU BABE!!!!!!! Plus boys are overrated & stupid and there is not one good reason for them to be on this planet.

Me: BUT HE WAS SOOOO PERFECT

Me: AND REPRODUCTIVE REASONS YO

Mikala: I KNOW BABE BUT ALL BOYS SEEM SOOOOO PERFECT AND THAT'S WHY WE FALL FOR THEM.

MIKALA: AND YOU GOT A POINT

me: AND IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD

Mikala: I know it does babe. It's gonna hurt every time someone so perfect tricks you but soon enough it doesn't hurt so bad as much.

Me: how? It hurts so bad

Mikala: I know it does it it will slowly go away as time passes.

Me: But I don't want to forget him?

Mikala: you won't forget him babe. You will always remember him if you want but the pain he cause will slowly go away.

Me: But I still want him? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Mikala: babe I was the same way with jake. It happens to all the girls on the planet. It's we get so attached to that person and want them so badly.

Me: he doesn't want me though. He never did.

Mikala: GIVE ME THAT BASTARDS NUMBER!! IM GONNA KILL HIM FOR LEADING YOU ON BABE!

Me: he didn't lead me on. He never said he wanted anything to do with me. I'm not giving you his number. He won't even respond to me. If you want to yell at him use Facebook or Wattpad.

Mikala:He still shouldn't have done that to you babe. He had to know how badly you liked him. And him to say he kind if liked you back and then didnt say anything is basically leading you on. I'm sorry babe but that's wrong on so many levels.

Me: I know but I still want him soooo bad and I just

Mikala: I know you do babe. That feeling of wanting him is gonna last for a while.

Me: yell at him for me? Don't mention anything just tell him he's been acting like a cunt please.

Mikala: ok I will give me a sec.

Me: thanks and screen shot it for me?

Mikala: yes babe I will

Me: Thank you

Mikala: Welcome

Mikala: Can I Tell him I'm friends with you or not?

Me: yeah.

Mikala:ok *picture message*

Mikala: I think I did pretty good. Watcha think?

Me: he didn't tell me he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't have to. Implied more like. I can take a message. Besides that spot on. If you could fix that it would be perfect

Mikala: ok and thanks babe

Me: you're welcome. I feel like shit for getting you to yell at him.

Mikala: don't babe. I was gonna yell at him even if you didn't ask me to.

Me:thanks I guess I still feel like shit

Mikala: don't babe.)

Reason Number 36996312589963 Why I Love My best friend/fake lesbian lover(we're going to homecoming together yo(but only because neither of has a boyfriend(surprising for her not so much for me)))

A Single Moment Of Sincerity- Asking Alexandria

Question of The Day:

Do I even fucking matter to you?

(For Mikala, Daniel, and (I guess) Juan)

*AND I got all of the blood out of my carpet.