Holiday (SpaMano with lil bits of GerIta, USUK, PruHun, and platonic RoMerica.)

11 - Forgive Me

EDIT: TW, this chapter references mental health issues such as depression/anxiety. A future chapter will reference PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder. Just a warning for y'all ^^

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"I have depression and anxiety, Antonio."

...

...What?

"Oh, and anger issues, too," he continued. "But I'm trying to get over it."

"I've had depression ever since I was a teenager. My anxiety came along when Feliciano started getting all the attention. Which was a damn long time ago.

But you're the reason I grew as not only a nation, but as a person, Antonio. It's because of you.

I ran away from home once, Antonio."

"Lovi?" I asked, putting my hand on his. He sighed.

"Yes, it was that time when you couldn't find me. A really long time ago.

I fucking hated myself, Antonio. I wasn't happy with who I was, and I almost killed myself.

The world has a total of 195 countries, I thought. Surely it wouldn't matter if there was one less country.

I mean, it's not entirely one less. My brother exists—"

I grabbed him by the shoulders, and looked him in the eye.

"Antonio—"

"Lovino, it would matter. I'm telling you this right now – it would matter. Even if you're just one half of a country, you are significant. Your brother – he's a great guy,"

"Yeah, so great that you had to kiss him," Lovino retorted. I sighed.

"I'm so sorry about that, Lovino. He's a great guy, but you know what, to be honest...he wouldn't be able to represent the whole country of Italy." I continued, shaking my head. "And it's not just me who would agree. You and your brother aren't on the best terms – well, you're on terrible terms with each other at the moment, but he loves you. He didn't mean what he said, Lovino. He doesn't hate you, and neither do I. The countries you dislike? They probably don't consider you as a friend, either. But you're a nation – a living being. You're one of us, and to see you die would be heartbreaking."

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POV (Lovino)

"You're one of us, and to see you die would be heartbreaking."

Fuck...

Antonio...

Don't make me fucking cry, dammit!!

I ended up crying anyway.

"I...I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I screamed, and he kissed me all over, soothing me.

"Lovino, when did you try to kill yourself?" Antonio asked, running his hand through my dark hair. I sighed.

"Before we confessed our feelings to each other," I replied. "You were downstairs, I was in my room, and I was cutting myself, just over here, on my arms." I pointed at my arm. "Like my brother, I fucking hate pain. But I also hated myself. I thought I deserved it.

I eventually got used to it, and never felt the pain anymore. It became just a regular thing to do."

"Oh god," Antonio had his hand over his mouth, and was tearing up. I gave him a small smile.

"That's why I always wore long sleeves, Antonio. Haha..."

I sighed, and continued. "And then one day, I attempted suicide. I just felt like it was the right thing to do. That I was a lonely, unwanted person, as if I were still a child and nothing more. "