How to Have a Heartbeat? (Book Two)

Chapter 26: Tears

Sena

            Asking me if I felt guilty for anything is just stupid. There are many things in life that I should feel remorse for, but I never do. I shouldn't have to. I knew at least that. And yet, there's still something missing inside me. A certain hole that has never been filled. Only now that I've been brought back to life, does that gaping hole in my chest feel like a black hole, threatening to swallow everything back up...and me along with it.

            I couldn't feel anything. It was like all emotions that I had tried so hard to obtain before were cruelly ripped away from me.

            If you would have asked me a month ago, I would have been happy to be rid of them, but now, there's nothing I would do to have them back. If I had a choice, I'd pick which ones I'd like.

            But nothing was never my choice. And right now, I was drowning in the nothingness of that darkness.

            I slumped against a nearby tree for support as my body began to crumble underneath me. It was so weak and brittle. I felt so weak. I've never felt so weak, even before I obtained the Saisei. When she and I were truly one.

            I wish I had never been brought back to life.

            My eyes widened at the thought. I had never gotten the chance to even think about what I wanted. Was death better than this?

            The answer that came to me caused me to lower my head into my knees.

            "I don't know," I mumbled. My long hair gathered all around my body. It really needed to be cut.

            Even in my depression, all I could think about was my hair. I'm so pathetic.

            My head snapped up when I felt a sudden surge of Chakra. The Chakra was so cold and I could feel it so vividly. As if it were my own. It was strong.

            I shook my head instantly. I didn't want to find it. I was too tired.

            If I slept here... Would it be possible to never awaken? I never wanted to die in my sleep. I wanted to die in a more exciting way. Like being burned alive. Or decapitated. Or maybe stabbed repeatedly until dead.

            Death is supposed to be exciting. Many talked about how it was the best adventure one could have. To drift off into oblivion. To see vibrant white lights waiting for you. To finally drift off into peace.

            But there's nothing peaceful about it. All that's left is silence and emptiness.

            And just when you think it's all over, you're forcibly dragged back to life right when you're comfortable where you are.

            And now a new emotion plagued me. I didn't know what it was, but I knew where I had to go to find out.