The Queen [2]

0.2

"The lovers that went wrong"

Serayah

I can hear my mum and sister hushed worrying whispers from where I am sitting.It has been a few days-well yes it turned out that I have to stay in the hospital due to some complications of traumatic experience as doctor said by that means that I get really bad asthma attacks when I think of the hostage memory-They realized this when they left me in a room and let me talk to psychiatrist about my experience and realised how I was having difficulty in breathing that left me to faint-so yes it was that bad that they had to make me stay for another two days.

And in that two days neymar never came back.Which made my condition a lot worser that I realized I stop talking or crack a smile to the doctor or the nurses or even laugh to my mother and sister childish banter.I was becoming numb and mute.

Today is my last day in this hospital before being discharge later this afternoon.My mother had tried her ways to stop me from actually moving out of this country for good due to my health condition.I had promise to visit her sometime.But after that conversation I just stopped talking-I just muted myself.

I just became numb.

"Serayah"My mum called my name as I turn to her attention-concerned is written all over her face."The doctors can release you now-would you like to leave?"She asks as she expected a verbal answer but I didn't give her any response I just continued to look out of the window.

"I'll get the documents okay?"I gave her a nod.As the door closes after her I continue to look on to the view.The bed dipped next to me as serane sat next to me.She took my hands into hers before slowly caressing the back of my hand with her thumb.

"You know what I admire about you-is that you are so strong for someone of your age.You ruled a country at one point of your life-You fought wars-you saved so many of lives and that is something that I am so proud of."She said softly as the both of us look upon the view in the window."You have wiped a thousand of peoples tears,You have become a savior to many-You have put others above you,And now it is killing mum and I to see you like this.It feels like you're a ghost.You barely smile or laugh or even talk and it is killing us-your silence is killing us."She continues.

For sometime she cried next to me.But the scenes replayed in my head like a video that I watch over and over again-but this wasn't staged-it showed my pain.The fear that took over my body as they hurt others around me.The chilling experience when I watch them put a gun over my head.A tear fell from my eyes.

As I let it out."Cry it out serayah-You don't have to hold up your pain.You can save yourself too-You don't always have to be someone else's hero by hiding your pain.Your pain is what makes you a human and its okay not to be okay sometimes."She consoled me as I sank in what she said.

You don't always have to numb what you feel.You can embrace that feeling.And maybe I have been numbing this pain because yes it hurts-your chest tightens and it feels like you can barely breathe and that is fine-it is okay.Because seeking help or saving yourself can be a heroine act too.

To be honest I do know why I muted myself or just numbed my feelings for the past few days and all those roads leads to neymar.He went for some air and he never came back-and that just gave me the confirmation that he decided to walk away from my life-again.And I now came up with a solution to this baby-And that solution includes me raising this baby in somewhere that isn't trau.

After being discharged I spent my time in my mums house packing a few stuff for my departure later tonight.I had dinner with my whole family-after serane and I's little chat somehow uplifted some baggage on my shoulder.And that only left me with one thing to do and that is to tell them-"Since we are all here for this lovely evening.The food is great.Really good actually.And I am surrounded with the people I am proud to call my family-I have something to tell you.And I hope you are not to judge me although I kinda know you won't but I'd like you to know that I am carrying a child"With that I let out a small breath.