Obsession

20

•Vanna•

I have people that surround me all the time, yet I've never felt so alone. Who am I? What have I become? I'm letting it take over me. The alcohol, the drugs. My mind is so fucked up I can't think straight anymore. I just wish I had somebody. Someone to understand me and be by my side.

I couldn't stop. It's currently midnight and after reading the two pages in Jiyong's journal I couldn't take it so I took a shower and sat down back in the same place in my living room.

I tried to keep myself busy by walking around my small apartment, turning the tv on and trying to watch something. But I can't seem to focus on anything, I feel like I'm empty.

I forgot my phone at the house so I can't call anyone, most likely the police cleared the place and either way I do not want to go back. I would love to call my parents. I haven't talked to them in awhile. I guess I have to go out and live life again. I have to get a job and buy a new phone. Luckily I have made payments on my apartment in advance or else I would have lost my place months ago.
But now that I'm sitting here I want nothing more than to move and go far away from Korea.

I feel so lifeless as I sit on my living room floor I couldn't help it. I found myself reaching out and grabbing the journal reading another page and another.

She looks so beautiful. I love her concentration. She doesn't notice I am staring at her but I love it cause I can just stare and take in every little detail. Every time I see her my heart beats faster. My smile becomes bigger. In the short amount of time Vanna has been my assistant I have grown feelings for her. I have been using less because every night I go to sleep I know she will be back in the morning. She makes me feel happy. She makes me laugh when she laughs. My smile grows when she calls me oppa. My body gets a little warm when she's near or she touches me with her hand. Vanna makes me feel different.

I feel my face dampen with my tears as I read what he wrote when I first became his assistant. It makes me feel worse about what I did. I think I ruined Jiyong's life.

I don't know what to think. What about me? I went through hell in that place with Jiyong. I barely know him. I just can't stop thinking about how I may have ruined him.

I hate myself! I hate what the drugs have done to me. I'm weak I want to quit but I can't I'm not strong enough. Everyday I'm using more and more. Now I only get glimpse of who I truly am. This is not me. Jiyong wants to break out but he can't. I don't know what to do. I want to scream and cry everyday. I hate this! This is not who I am. I have no one to tell what is truly wrong. I wish I could tell my eomma or my appa but I can't bring myself to disappoint them with this kind of news. Everything is stuck inside me and it's driving me insane. I just want to be numb.

The more I read the more the night passes by and the more I cry.

I don't know this Jiyong. I only know the outside of him. He never opened up to me about anything. I believe I have seen the real, true Jiyong but not this deep. He has only told me the basics about him. But reading this it's like I'm inside of his mind and it's killing me. It hurts he has something so strong going on inside of him.

I feel so lost. My mind is blank, I feel alone. It's so quiet. I just have to move on and live my life.

All my thinking is making my head hurt so I close Jiyong's journal and set it on my table. I get up and go into my room. I get into bed and lay in the dark for hours.... It's 3am and I'm tired but I can't fall asleep.