Obsession

29

3 Years Later

I have lived fairly happy these past three years. My baby is so big now, she is walking, she talks. I remember when she first said mommy, I was giving her a bath we were playing with the bubbles, and she said mommy with her cute little voice. I shed some tears because I was so happy.

The more she grows up she looks so much like Jiyong. One night I searched up photos of him as a baby, and I was surprised how much Cheonsa looks like him. Of course my babygirl is so much more prettier than he is.

Lately It makes me sad that she watches shows on tv, and she sees a mom and a dad on the show. The first time she asked me where's dad I cried that night. I felt horrible that she has no dad. I knew the question would come, but I wasn't prepared.

She came up to me and pulled on my leg. She said, "mommy where's my dad?" (Baby talk of course) I stop what I was doing, but I couldn't seem to think of an answer for her. I didn't want to tell her the truth, but I didn't want to lie either. She then asked if Jonghyun was her dad. That made me smile a bit because Jonghyun has been kinda like a dad to her, he is always around plus he is her doctor. Sadly I said no "Jonghyun isn't your dad, he is your friend" I then told her as I kneeled down to her level, "honey dad isn't in our life, ok. But I will always be here for you" she accepted it, but I know she will ask again as she gets older.

•G Dragon•

Four years, God four years have passed since I have been in prison. Four years of nothing. I can't believe I have made it through all this. I will be released from prison in a two days, and I couldn't be happier, finally getting out this shithole.

The passed four years I have gone through so much. There were fights, people always try to fight me in prison, and I usually just walk away, but I got tired of all the bullshit and fought a couple times. My depression has been up and down sadly it's not gone. I went through tough times where I didn't want to live anymore.

I sat in my cell trying to write a letter to Vanna so many times only to throw them away. I want to see her so bad, so I can apologize at least. I feel as though I'll never see her again, and I just have to move on. Life is going to be hard when I go back out into the real world, but I won't ever come back to prison.

•Vanna•

"You know Ji just got out of prison yesterday" Youngbae says as he plays with Cheonsa.

I stay silent. It scares me a little that he is free. I didn't realize how long it had been since he has been in prison.

"He spent all day with friends and family yesterday. Same as today he is with his family"

"H-How is he?" I hesitantly ask.

"Happy that he is out. He is still going through depression, but he has more control now. I talked to him very seriously yesterday about staying away from drugs, he seemed to want to stay away anyways. He is really muscular now, but skinny because I'm sure prison food isn't that great. He said that he really wishes he could see you so he can apologize. I feel horrible every time he brings you up because I have to hold my tongue and not say anything. It makes me feel guilty"

"Young-ie~" Cheonsa yells out her nickname for Youngbae while squishing Youngbae's cheeks.

"Yesss little aegi" Youngbae laughs.

"I'm sorry Youngbae that you have to do that. I can't see him, I don't want him in my life or her life. Just stop seeing us then so it's not hard"

Youngbae stops playing and looks at me. "How can you say that like it's so easy. I love being around you and Cheonsa, you can't tell me to stop seeing you guys after three years of being in your lives. Very funny Vanna, but I'm not going anywhere" he goes back to playing.

Over the next few months I had to pick up another job because business at the bakery is slow, ajumma is getting older now. I work from home, I help out the manager for my apartments with writing down the names of people who are late on rent, and I sort out applications for people looking to rent an apartment. My manager is nice and it's not much pay but it helps.

"Mommy look! Uncle Youngbae is on tv!" Cheonsa yells from her position on the floor. (She's three pretend that she talks like a three year old) I look over at the tv and my heart drops I see Youngbae on a show and it's showing footage from Bigbang's concert and interviews. An old interview of Jiyong comes on.

"Mommy who's that?" I run over and change the channel to a cartoon.

"I don't know honey"

"Does he know uncle Youngbae?" She stands up and looks at me. Every time I look at her I can't help but to smile she is so precious with her cute black hair in a little ponytail.

"I don't know babe. Watch your show I'll make lunch"

•G Dragon•

I have been out of prison for a couple of months, and it feels so good. I have seen all my family and friends.

I have been keeping low, I know people want answers and interviews but I don't want to be in the spotlight right now.

Recently an old girlfriend of mine called me to see how I was doing, she has been great. She talks with me about all my problems. I'm glad she is in my life as a friend, but Vanna still is always in the back of my head.

I've come to a conclusion that everything is done. I should no longer bother Vanna and I hope she is doing better and she is happy. The only thing I wish I could do is apologize. I'm extremely guilty for what I did to her. Aside from Vanna it seems every day and night I feel empty like something is missing from my life, but I learned to just push that away. I don't want to be back on drugs and I'm trying my hardest.

Right now I am in the studio with Youngbae and daesung. They are writing music as I am just enjoying their company. They ran out to get drinks and food while I wait for them.

Pulling me away from my thoughts Youngbae's phone rings, he must have left it. I decide to answer it. It's probably Youngbae calling from daesung's phone. I press answer putting the phone to my ear before I can speak another voice speaks.

"Youngbae-ah I just called to let you know not to come over anymore because Cheonsa is sleeping now"

I feel as though I'm going to vomit. The voice I have been longing to hear is calling Youngbae. My heart beats hard against my chest. I think I'm going to pass out. I can't believe I'm hearing her voice. Why is she calling Youngbae? Has he been talking to Vanna? Why didn't he tell me? Who is Cheonsa?