meghan trainor oneshots // m.t

7.0 • Hate (Little Things)

I hate myself.

Hate, is a strong word, I know. That's why I use it. If there was a stronger word than hate, which I knew, I'd use that. I hate myself. There's no one thing that I actually like about myself, nor even dislike. I hate everything, and it hurts to hate, and I wish I didn't.

But I do.

I hate my hair, that's why I keep changing it.
I hate my eyes, the colour is stupid and they're ugly.
I hate that my face is fat.
I hate that my lips are thin; almost ridiculously.
I hate the freckles that I always hide.
My sides.
My stomach.
My fashion sense.
My dependency on pills; antidepressants.
My... everything.

These are all the things that I really, truly, sincerely, strongly, hate about myself. Even if they seem like little things to anyone else, they may not even see how honestly disgusting I am. If I let the public see the real me, they'd hate me too. So I don't, I hide it. The 'haters'? They have the right idea.

I shouldn't have fans, but that doesn't stop me from being grateful to them. The little things make up who am; I hate who I am. I'm staring at myself in the mirror, and it's knocking me sick. My brother, Justin, walked in when I was only in my bra and panties, last week. He gasped.

I know, I thought, I know I'm really fat, Justin. And I know I'm not the only one that thinks that.

"Meghan," he breathed, eyes wide, as I rushed to cover myself up. "Why are you so..." He trailed off, unable to think of the words.

"Fat?!" I spat out, finishing it for him. He opened his mouth to speak, but I shook my head, tears spilling from my eyes as I shoved him out and slammed the door behind him.I hadn't eaten in about a week by that point, and my stomach rumbled. After that though, I moved out into an apartment. Just so I'd have privacy. I left my parents and my brothers to the house.

I wish I was skinny; I wish I was beautiful. I go back to the mirror, focusing on my fat fucking stomach, and at the array of scars all across it. Good job I'm not beautiful enough to wear a bikini or crop top, right? The scars are reminders of all the times I've been too out-of-control to take the antidepressants (which don't work, by the way) and just let out all of my anger with a blade and my skin.

It's not like I could really do any damage, there's too much fat between my skin and vital organs anyway. I glance in the mirror one more time and feign a gag. I'm hideous.

All of a sudden, my pills, they look to small. They used to look so big when I first got them, because I hated pills. My parents forced them down me. But now... I'm looking down at them, and they're just so small. And white. White as snow. I'm due to take one about now, but it can't hurt to take them all, surely.

But first, goodbye. I used to hate goodbyes.

I open Instagram, and post a photo of my family and I playing in the snow, last Christmas time, even though it's July. White as snow...

Much Love 💙💙
Feel like I need to tell all you guys, the fans, how much you really mean to me. I haven't done it in a while. I wouldn't be where I am without you, all of you, and I love every single one of you with all my heart. I owe you all I debt I'll never be able to repay. Never, ever forget how much you all mean to me. Meghan ❤

Well... that's done. Someone'll probably hack my laptop when they figure out I've gone, then they'll get all of the unreleased songs I'm hiding on there. As long as they have the music, I'm sure they won't bother with the fact I'm not there.

Then, I text my parents and Justin in a group chat:

To: Mama, Papi, JTrain
Hey guys, I just wanted to tell you that I've gone out to see Daryl, and I'm a teensy bit drunk. Also, thank you for everything you've ever done for me, you know supporting me; loving me, even though I'm a handful. Thanks for letting me live my dreams. I love you to the moon and back.
- Meghan 💞