Justin
Everyone deals with things differently, there is no right or wrong way. We don't know how strong we are until we're forced to go through something traumatic. Unfortunately I've learned that I'm not as strong as I thought I was, this situation has changed me and not in a good way. I've distanced myself from the people I truly love and care about. I disregarded their feelings when I chose to leave them with weary hearts and unsettling thoughts. Those weren't my intentions.
I am extremely hurt, nothing anyone says can mend the jagged tear in my heart. Losing the baby will forever haunt me because I know I'm at fault. I didn't intend to cause the accident the thoughts of every possible outcome had I listened to that simple don't replays in my brain. I would still be impatiently awaiting her arrival, with a smile on my face. I didn't wanna find out her gender that way, but I'm thankful that we now know.
Nova Leanna Smith...
Although I will never forgive myself, I know that God gave me the opportunity to father another little girl for a reason. I still don't know why he allowed me to father my first but I'm forever grateful. I never thought my life would have consisted of half the things I've been through. Some of it is good but most of it has been bad, I don't know how to deal with any of it.
I looked down at the IV in my arm contemplating whether or not I should take it out. I don't wanna be here, I don't need to be here..
"Hey, how are you feeling?"
The nurse smiled and stood at the bottom of the bed with my cup in her hand. Oh yeah I did ask her for more water.. thirty minutes ago.
"I'm not thirsty anymore"
"Well I'll just sit the water on the table incase you change your mind. Did you have any luck contacting your family?"
"Why do you care? I'm sure there are plenty of other patients in need of your help.."
"Stop being so grumpy, smile. You're alive and in good health"
"Sadly"
"You shouldn't say that. There is nothing sad about being alive"
"There are a ton of reasons to be sad, you wouldn't understand though"
"Then explain. What reason do you have to be sad? From what you told the other nurse, you have a beautiful baby girl. You love her mother more than she's willing to believe-"
"Who told you that? I never told any of you that"
She looked at me and sat on the bed. "You did, the day you got here. You were emotional-"
"You're lying. I don't even know how I got here"
"I'm not lying. You were crying and you just kept apologizing to your daughter and unborn. You told nurse Jenny that you loved their mother so much, several times"
I shook my head, I don't remember anything she's saying. I have absolutely no memory of anything beyond.. I just don't remember.
"Don't tell her why I'm here"
"You don't think she deserves to know?"
