Mine, Only Mine [HunHan Fanfiction]

[TW] Chapter 15

Warning: Depression and mentions of multiple attempts of suicide

Year 2018

What makes living worthwhile?


That is the question that bugs Luhan for months after what happened to her. Why did she even live if she will just suffer? Everytime she closes her eyes, she can picture out her baby asking for help. Sometimes, she’s dreaming that she’s bathing in her own blood, a scissor on her hand while she hears Shixun crying for her. She’s reliving everything that happened as a punishment. An indication that she indeed mercilessly killed her own child for her selfishness.


Her baby would have turned into 2 months if she didn’t do that.

All those times that she stayed in the hospital, it feels as if she’s in a limbo. She wants to cry and shout until her tear ducts will gone dry and her vocal cords will deteriorate but no matter how many times she does that, it will still never bring her son back. Sehun will never go back to her pathetic self. How she wish they didn’t save her.


Luhan was not aware that months already passed. There are times that she can feel her mom’s touch on her hair. She can hear her friends talking at her and sometimes laughing. But she didn’t mind all of it. All she wanted is to end everything, end her miserable life. Her mom and friends caught her several times, attempting to kill herself. And she can’t understand why the hell they are still trying to stop her. They are not the one who’s experiencing this pain.


“Darling, it’s been three months.” It’s her mom again, brushing her fingers on her hair, coaxing her to respond. But Luhan’s too drowned to care. Without blinking, she kept on staring outside the hospital window. “Your friends are always visiting you. First semester’s already done and they’re sorry that you can’t go with them.”

“You are so thin now, baby. You should eat more.” She can feel her mom touching her wounded wrist tenderly.”We love you so much, darling. Please... come back to us.” Qian said in a quivering voice.


Luhan slowly turns her head towards her mom. “Did Sehun visited me, mom?” She asked, voice hoarse due to seldom usage of her larynx.

She saw how her mom tried to mask the guilt and pain in her expression. “He’s… a little bit busy, darling. But he really wanted to visit you.”


What did she even expected? She lifelessly turns her attention back to the dull landscape. Her mom doesn’t need to lie to her. She thought her tears already drained but once again, they find themselves trailing down her sunken cheeks. She’s so damn tired. Why did she even live? All she wanted to do now is to sleep and never wake up. Is that too much to ask?

When Luhan heard her mom weeping, it was as if something snapped on her. She slowly turns to her mom and saw Qian’s once youthful face covered by some wrinkles and tears. Luhan’s emotionless façade instantly vanished. She once vowed to herself to do everything so she won’t see her mom in this state, the same state she had when her husband left her. But in the end, Luhan became the reason on why her mom’s a mess again.


Luhan wiped the tears on her mom’s cheeks. “I’m sorry for being a disappointment, mom.” 

Her mom’s miserable state served as a wake up call for her.

Luhan was diagnosed with Major Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was too difficult at first but she coped up through attending therapy sessions and medication. That was the darkest time of her life. There are several times that she wanted to give up but her family held her tighter.


Her psychiatrist deemed her fine to go back to school after a few months. She already knew how to control her episodes though there are times that she still unconsciously blames herself for losing Shixun. Within those times in her therapy, she’s still thinking of Sehun and her father as well.


Sehun came to her life like a thief and stole her heart along the way. Luhan filled herself with Sehun’s every breath so when he run away, she was left barely breathing and alive. Wordlessly, he tossed her aside. But still, she loves him.


How could Luhan move on? Sehun got her heart. She fell hard. He got the air from her lungs, blood running through her veins, neurons on her mind and every bones in her body.


But time really comes when her heart’s too bruise and tired and it’s screaming for her to let go. Letting go sounds easy but it is not. Letting Sehun go will never be easy. It took an immense amount of courage to let go of him and unfortunately she has to devise something just for it to happen. That is to displace and blame everything that happened on her to him. She erased almost all of the memories attached to him and her foolishness.