ILLEGAL LOVE

Chapter 19- What did I do...

I walked through the door. A big smile was plastered across my face. I looked through the window and watched him pull out the drive way. I watched him turn onto the road and go his way. How come god didn't make me capable of holding my ground? I wish I could be the type of person to be able to hopd a grudge but I can't though. I hate being the reason someone feels bad about themselves. Once I told him that I didn't want to seem him I knew I hurt him and me. His eyes were down and I regreted it immedietly. If I could I would take away everyones pain and I would be the one to hold it. The fact people are hurt eats me up completely. I don't care if that person has hurt me before. I am just too nice I guess.

I walked up the stairs and brought my million pound duffle bag with me. It is so heavy, I brought way too much stuff with me to Harry's. I started to put everything in it's place, clothes in drawers, hair products in their place, and sanitary products back in the bathroom. Once I finished, I decided to lay on my bed. I picked up a note book and pencil. I started to flip through each page looking for a clean sheet but the more I looked the more I relized that it was one of my old diaries. I used to write a lot about my feelings. But the more I did the more I became obsessed with it. I practically lived in the books. I would write about my not so clear future, and my wish to end trying. Especially when I first started writing I would sound so mentally ill. One time I left the book at school and everyone read it. Everyone was easily in my mind. They knew how I thought and how easily hkurt I was. They knew how to bresk me even further. How to push my over the edge. For a long time I was on the thin line of life and death, I still am but now I can sort of look past that. My road is still foggy as hell but It is a tad bit clearer then before.

I picked up the book and found a clean page. I haven't wrote about anything in a long time. And I think now is ever as good as a time.

(10/17/13)

My life isn't what I had expected it to be. How does something like this happen to me. I feel different when I am with him. He has something about him that makes me feel better. He is like a bandaid. He covers the pain and soothes it like an ointment. He kissed my injury and made it better. Why? How? Is this even real life? Did god finally answer my prayers? Maybe he did. Maybe he is only testing me. But for now I will enjoy this. What ever happens, happens. I am enjoying this moment and taking advantage of this. There is nothing else anyway. So this is my first advantage. The only good thing now anyway. We got into a little fight but it is okay. It hurt a lot but I would rather be with him then with out. He didn't question me when I said I wanted him to leave me alone though. He didn't stop me. What if someone does something to mess this all up? What if one of us gets caught? what would happen then. We would be in a lot of trouble. My mother wouldn't do anything anyway. She would probably applause me. Her and her sluttish ways dont surprise me. She sleeps around a lot anyway. Oh well she can get herpes herself.

My cuts are healing. They don't sting. Maybe I'm healing a little? I don't know. What ever.. I have aids in the eyes of others. I wonder why they would say that about me though…

I grabbed my book and put it back on my desk. I shoved it between a stack of paper making sure the rings were on the side of the wall. It blended in between the paper and appeared to not be there anymore. I walked back to my bed and layed down. My covers were filled with bkankets underneath. They were like oreos. Filled with layers. I shoved myself under them. It was freezing in my house. My mom always refused to spend money on heat. She never approves of me being warm. Latinas are cheap. I grinded against the bed and hooked my legs against the pillows and snuggled up against them. If harry were here, I would be warmer than ever. I am so used to him being with me. I layed there and looked up at the wall. How come I still have this empty feeling in my stomach? I pushed the feeling away and closed my eyes. I sighed and let my body take over my thoughts.

A loud bang against the stairs woke me. I heard the front door creak close and loud chuckles fill the empty house. Loud sucking noices filled the air. My body couldnt process what was about to happen. I got out  of bed and grabbed the closest thing to me. A vase. I held it tight in my hands and opened the door slightly. From here, the people looked dark and mysterious. They were up close to each other. I tip toed to the corner of the wall and waited for them to come up. I held my breath until ten seconds. I could feel my body shiver and shake as they got closer and closer. The house creaked and croaked under their feet. I heard them whisper to each other. But I couldn't make out what they saying. Hot tears ran down my face. I sae their foot on the last step. I closed my eyes and raised the vase up. My hands trembled as I inched the object to the person. 1, 2, 3. The glass broke under my hands. Blood rushed down my fingers as I heard a loud scream.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU SAMANTHA?!?!"  A pair  of demon looking eyes stared straight at me. A loud growl escaped from her lips as she saw me. A man was next to her unconscious as she had her hands all over him. She kissed the man all over and tears ran down her eyes.

"Mom? Who- Who is that?" I shoke as I saw what J did. He layed there with glass pierced into his skin.

"MY BOYFRIEND YOU IDIOT! GO CALL THE AMBULANCE!!" She cried as I stood helplessly there wondering what to do.

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(a/n)

soo yeahh updating later ! ilysm guys stay fucking strong ok. your so beautiful and like nigga your flawless.

if you feel down go on a walk clear your head. think of everything that has made you smile, will make you smile, and will make others smile. If someone or something bad pops up tell it to fuck off because your stronger than life. ilysm bbys

xoxo,

samiluvs1d

(10/14/13)