Star Wars Rebels: When Hope Is Lost

Chapter 8: Shaken Beliefs

Zeb gently lay Ezra down on a bunk in the medbay as Hera and Chopper rushed in. "What happened? Is he alright?" the Twi'lek asked urgently.

"I'm not quite sure. One second the kid was awake, the next he's fainted. Kanan? Is it a Jedi-related thing?" Zeb turned to ask the Jedi, who was deep in thought. His brow was furrowed in concentration.

"I think so," he said at last, after a long moment of silence. "The Sith used the Force to put him to sleep... But why and for how long, I don't know. The Sith could be inside his mind right now. I guess we'll just have to wait."

***Time skip***

Out of hyperspace, the autopilot took them back to a strangely un-guarded Lothal, where they landed in a prairie field and settled back to wait in the medbay. Even Chopper stayed still and awaited his friend's return to consciousness.

Finally, Ezra stirred. His eyes fluttered open.

"Ezra!" Hera cried and wrapped the young boy in a hug as he sat up. Ezra looked surprised to see her hug him, and he didn't hug back.

Not seeming to notice Ezra's lack of affection, Hera pulled back and stared into Ezra's eyes. "Are you okay? What did they do to you?" she asked earnestly.

Ezra didn't answer. He just turned and stared at each one of them in turn.

"Ezra?" Hera asked again, but this time more unsure. Her happy smile faded. "What's wrong?"

This time, Ezra answered. He spoke softly, in a tone barely audible. "You abandoned me."

"What?" she said, shocked.

"You abandoned me." Ezra spoke louder this time. He looked right at Kanan when he said it. "You abandoned me."

"Ezra, what they told you.... Listen to me–" Kanan started, realizing what his Padawan meant, but was cut off by an angry outburst.

"No Kanan, you listen to me! Do you know how I found out? They told me. My supposed 'enemies' told me. And now because of that knowledge, I'm all messed up. You left me alone to drown in my own sorrow and pity. At least before I was captured I knew where I stood. Do you even care about me at all?" He turned t Sabine. "I was captured because I sacrificed myself for you! And did you come back for me? No. You waited until I was broken and had been tortured by a Sith. A SITH LORD, Sabine." he turned his angry gaze on the Lasat. " I always knew you hated me, Zeb," he said bitterly. "You kicked me out of 'our' room so many times. You got me captured in the first place, back on Lothal. Remember that? When Agent Kallus grabbed me and you just turned and ran, even though it was your faults that I was there in the first place! You always play pranks on me, and Chopper, you always had a hand in it. You've always hated me too, you little pile of rust. And Hera, you never tried to stop them. You never once said 'Hey guys, leave Ezra alone'! You were always so wrapped up in our missions that you forgot that I was here. Worst part is? You were the first one here I trusted."

Not noticing the hurt gazes on his crewmates' faces, Ezra looked Kanan, his Master, the man he'd thought could maybe, just maybe, come close to replacing his father, in the eyes. "I don't even have to say what you've done. You're the one that ordered the crew to leave. You tried to pawn me off on that other Jedi before we found out she was dead, and you've never loved me. I'm just a pain in your side, and I'm sorry for that." Ezra stood up and walked to the door. Then he stopped and looked back at all of their pained faces, and said the most stinging thing he could have said. "I'm sorry I ever met you all. I was better off on my own." And then he left the room, with not one piece of regret in his heart for the things he had said.

Most of the crew sat or stood there, stunned and hurt. Chopper whimpered and rested his metal head on Hera's knee. Except Kanan, who stood up and bolted for the door.

He found Ezra walking down the ramp of the Ghost. His foot had hit the prairie grasses before Kanan called his name.

"Ezra!"

The boy turned around. His eyes were lit with anger, but also with sorrow. Pain. Hurt. Confusion.

"Where are you going?" Kanan asked, stepping further down the ramp towards his Padawan.

Ezra surprised him and started walking towards him as well. The two Jedi met in the middle of the ramp and faced each other's gaze. Ezra looked down at the metal ground beneath him.

"Kanan, I can't stay here anymore. I'm messed up and confused, and I don't know who I am or what I believe in anymore. I need to figure things out, without the sting of my abandonment around me constantly. I'm not saying that I'm going to join the Empire, but I'm no longer a Rebel either. I'm sorry," he said and taking his lightsaber off his belt, where it had been hanging, pressed it into Kanan's hand. "I'm not coming back."

Then he ran off into the grasslands of Lothal, and was gone before Kanan could process what had just happened. His Padawan, the boy he had treated and loved like a son, was gone. Because of the Empire messing with his head. Because Kanan had left him with the Empire. Because of him.

Kanan sat down on the ramp of the Ghost, buried his head in his knees, Ezra's lightsaber still in hand, and began to cry.

*************************************

As Ezra ran away from his so-called 'family', he felt a twinge of regret. The lyrics of old songs surfaced from his memory and he began to sing quietly, and as he ran and sang, a tear slid down his cheek. 

(One song is in italics and the other in bold italics -LRUF) 

My head feels tangled up

like the headphones in my pocket

Two words and you got me

Two nights and you told me that

Once the time is counting down,

it's impossible to stop it

Three words that we need to save

Three weeks till you move away

So go, go oh oh oh oh oh

Your heart has to be followed

Woah oh oh oh oh oh oh

Things are changing

It seems strange and

I need to figure this out

You've got your life

I got mine

But you're all I cared about

Yesterday we were laughing

Today I'm left here asking

Where has all the time gone now

I'm left alone somehow

Growing up and getting older

I don't want to believe it's over

And if it's over

It hurts but I'm giving you my word

I hope that you're always

Happy like we were

Happy like we were

I'm so sorry! I know, I'm a horrible person! Writing this literally hurt–I was in tears. I was listening to "Be Somebody" by Boyce Avenue (italics) and "Say Goodbye" by Skillet (bold italics) when I wrote this too, so that's where the inspiration was coming from. I thought I'd try something different than my usual storyline for SWR fanfics. This isn't the end of the story though, so don't go thinking "That crazy author left us with an unfinished ending!". I love writing this story; I'm not ready for it to end for a while! :) Another update coming VERY VERY soon! 

May the Force be with you/Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah,

-LothalRebelUltraFan