My Dirty Little Secret

Tisha's Gone

     The feeling of guilt was finally washing over me the day after the Carnival. What did I think I was doing? I had felt bad all morning, and now towards the end of my shift at work I was feeling even worse. "What's going on with you?" Martha was next to me now. I was mindlessly stocking bagels in the front case. "What?" I could feel my face heating up as she looked at me. "You have a secret! Tell me!" Martha exclaimed pushing her short black hair out of her face. "Oh knock it off. I do not." liar. I'm a big fat liar. I pushed past her and walked into the back cooler to put the bagels away. When I got back up front Nate was there, hanging over the edge of the front counter. "Hey." he smiled up at me, Martha looking over her shoulder. She turned her back to him and grabbed my arm. "Well since you're single now I think you should make him your secret." she whispered to me. I rolled my eyes at her, but maybe she was right. I walked towards the counter and leaned against it towards him. "Hey." I smiled at him. "You didn't save me a Ferris wheel ride last night. In fact I didn't see you at all. So technically you owe me." he stood back now holding his hands up. "You're right, let's go back to my place." I smiled at him untying my apron. "I was hoping you would say something like that. I've got a six pack of Mike's Hard in my car. I'll follow you there." he said, following me out of the shop.

     Nate followed me into the kitchen, placing the six pack of beer on the island. I'd worked till eight so it was already eight-thirty. "Did you have fun at the Carnival last night?" I asked him, grabbing a beer and cracking it open. "I would have had more fun if I'd seen you there." Nate smiled, grabbing a beer for himself. He was sweet, and handsome. I could get on board with this. I leaned my back against the counter, watching him. "What about you, how was your bonding?" he raised his eyebrows at me. I held my finger up to him and chugged the rest of my beer. "That good huh?' Nate laughed loudly, grabbing another beer and handing it to me. "It was....interesting to say the least." I laughed too, opening the beer and taking a sip. "I think I need to get on your level." He chugged his beer now too, but he didn't grab another. We were quiet for a moment. "So where is he anyway? The infamous rich husband? Is he away on business too?" Nate's eyes sparkled at me. "He's around here somewhere, I don't care." I shrugged taking a long swig of beer. I did care. Again, l'm a liar.

     Three and a half beers down and Nate and I were laughing loudly, still standing in the kitchen an hour later. "I have to say I'm not sad to see that fucker go." Nate said, referring to Josh. I shrugged. "I guess everyone sort of new the spark wasn't really there. But I don't think he was a fucker." I laughed a little. The beer was really starting to hit me. Nate walked towards me, stopping at arms length in front of me. "I only call him a fucker because he didn't spoil you the way deserve to be spoiled." his breathe was heavy. I stood up straight, realizing what was about to happen. "You think I deserve to be spoiled?" I asked, smiling at him. I was okay with what was going to happen. The more drinks I had the more kissing sounded real nice. "Of course you do." he took another small step towards me. "Would you spoil me?" I asked sitting my beer down. Nate's cheeks were pink. "I would, in every way." he said, my hand touching his side. I pulled him close and he smashed his lips into mine. He moaned as his tongue found mine, his hands wrapping around my back. I kissed him back, it was nice. Better than sulking about wanting to kiss Jamie and not being able too. Damn it, now I was thinking about Jamie. I wrapped my hand around Nate's neck, kissing him a little harder to maybe block out Jamie. 

     "The fuck is going on in here?" Jamie pulled Nate away from me by the back of the shirt. "Hey what the hell?" Nate jerked away from him as I wiped my mouth. "Excuse you." I said to Jamie. He stood panting and frowning at me. "What is this?" he pointed to the beers scattered around the room, looking to Nate. "Oh please, we were  just having a good time." Nate snapped at him. "Really? And how many of those beers are yours?" Jamie growled at him. He was silent for a moment. "You need to leave." Jamie said pointing towards the front door. "Who the fuck are you anyway?" Nate puffed up a little but Jamie wasn't fazed. "Nate, Jamie. Jamie, Nate." I introduced quickly. I felt stupid standing there basically drunk while Jamie scolded the guy I was just kissing. "Now." Jamie snarled. Nate glanced at me but at this point I kind of wanted him to leave. "Fine, I'll see you later Jess." he said to me before hurrying out of the kitchen, slamming the door shut behind him.

     Jamie was panting with anger in front of me. Fuck that, I was angry too. "What the fuck was that?" I threw my arms at him. "God damn it Jessica!" he stormed towards me, picking me up at the waist. He moved me over to the island, slamming me down on top of it. I stared in shock at him as he panted in front me, glaring at me. He pressed his forehead into mine, pushing himself away from me all in one quick second. "Jesus. What the fuck is going on?" I asked unsure of what he was so angry about. My heart was pounding against my chest, my skin on fire. He panted in front of me, his eyes so dark. Suddenly there was a loud ringing noise from his pocket. "Shit." he pushed his hand into the pocket of his jeans and pulled his iPhone out, looking at the screen then to me. "I....I just didn't want that guy to take advantage of you. Okay. You're smarter than that." he snarled at me. All of this because he didn't want Nate to take advantage of me? I watched as he put the phone to his ear, his other hand running through his hair. "Hey sweetheart." he looked away from me, his back to me now. Fuck, Tisha. I wiggled off the counter, still steaming. This wasn't over. I crossed my arms behind him, waiting for him to finish. 

     He sighed once he said goodbye to Tish, slipping his phone back into his pocket and turning back to me. "You got that mad over Nate?" I asked him, my voice sharp. He closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead. "You're confusing me." he said softly and my crusty demeanor shattered. I could hear the pain in his voice. "I'm confusing? Jamie you're confusing. One second it's all touching and rubbing feet under the table and the next it's this?" I kept my voice low but I stepped forward, frowning at him. He sighed and slowly opened his eyes to me, I could see a glimpse of lightness in them for a brief moment before the darkness took over. "I know. I just can't help myself...." he shook his head at me. "Help yourself what?" I wanted answers, I needed to know why he was acting this way. "It doesn't matter. I need to get out of here for a bit, I'll be back later." he quickly brushed past me before I could say anything else. "Jamie!?" I tried to call after him but he was already out the door, the sound of his car starting echoed into the house. What the hell just happened? I looked around the kitchen trying to understand what he was so upset about. 

     Jamie didn't come back until nearly two in the morning. I couldn't sleep not knowing where he was. I know I shouldn't care but I can't help myself. Was that what he was talking about earlier? He couldn't help himself from caring about me? My cheeks warmed at the thought. I leaned over the edge of the couch next to the window, watching Jamie get out of his car. He slammed the door shut, pressing his hands against the side of the car and looking down. What was he so angry about? And as if he could hear my thoughts he looked up into the window. My instincts told me to pull away but I couldn't force myself to move. I stared down at him staring up at me. We stayed like that for a moment, staring at each other until he finally decided it was enough and headed inside. I sighed, getting up from the couch and crawling into bed. At least he was home. I could here the stairs creak, my ears perking I sat up in anticipation. Jamie's dark figure appeared in the doorway. I looked at him, not saying a word. "I'm sorry...about earlier." was all he said before disappearing, the stairs creaking as he headed back downstairs. My mind was racing. I was happy he apologized, too happy. But I was still worried about his outburst earlier. What was with that? Did he have some sort of anger problem I didn't know about? I rolled onto my side, wide awake now. I guess sleeping wasn't an option tonight, the house was already chaotic with Tisha gone.