Secret Spy Diaries #Wattys2016

Impossible Things

Never have I ever been up for an entire night. I work and thrive when the sun is up, and I always thought that the falling of night is nature's way of turning the lights off and asking everyone to retire and sleep. I was always in awe of people who could stay up at night and show up at work next day, perfectly alright. I envied them.

Until tonight.

It's almost three in the morning and I am sitting at the window, staring at the moon which sits in the blanket of black, adorned by what look like jewels, but are actually stars. A dog is howling at a distance, and sometimes I even catch a glimpse of an owl.

The sea breeze hits my face, weaving my hair into braids that are, in themselves, unique. Everything is so quiet, so peaceful, so serene.

Everything but me.

I am not up for him. I am up for AMY. Understand?

My tear stricken face tells a different story. My wet cheeks give out my secret. My red eyes say that I am, indeed, up because I can't sleep, and it is because of Jake.

Jake.

Even the thought of his name brings back memories from the evening, and the tears start flowing again. Tears stung sometime back, but now, it feels natural. I have cried so much that I don't even realize when tears start welling up again, or when they fall, since all they do is trace the already wet paths down my cheeks.

Crying always made me sleepier, and this time, it's just the same. But every time I close my eyes, I see his face, hurt clearly showing in his eyes, betrayal in his demeanor. And I just can't sleep with it.

Why is everything so difficult? Why do I have to have a job that will endanger my people? Why do I have to have the job that wipes the happiness away from the faces of my people to make way for hate? I could have easily chosen another profession, right? Like... A teacher or something. Something normal.

But no, ofcourse not. Why would I in my senses do something like that?

I chip away the black nailpolish on my nails. I continue doing so for sometime, hoping to do something other than thinking about Jake.

But the moment I see the white color of my nails reappearing, I am reminded of Jake's shirt that he wore yesterday. I look away, only to look at the potted plant on the window sill. I wrap my fingers around the leaves, and trace my way slowly to the soil. The deep brown again reminds me of Jake's beautiful eyes.

Ugh. This is useless.

Everywhere I look, I am reminded of him. It terrifies me to some extent, how he has that effect on me. How vulnerable he makes me.

This is it.

Enough with drowning in self pity. I decide to go to the living room and probably watch some TV. My stomach lets out a growl, I remember I havent had anything for dinner, and I make a mental note to get something from the fridge.

I look at Amy before leaving the room, who is sleeping peacefully. The moonlight shines on her face, tracing her features. She probably was asking herself the same questions while she had that break down.

I tiptoe to the kitchen, silently making my way to the fridge. I pull open the freezer, and find the number one confort food in the world- chocolate icecream. An entire tub of it.

I feel a smile creeping up, as I grab the tub and get a spoon. I make my way to the living room, which is just how I left it, with my dear cushion on the floor. I pick it up, place it back on the couch and settle on it, hungrily digging my spoon into the icecream.