Ever After (End Game Book 2)

Lost in the Shuffle (Cards Part 1)

It was 12mn and I was still at the dining area, doing and re-doing the plan.

1. Floating candles
2. Flowers and balloons
3. Wine
4. Dress

I need to look for floating candles which would serve as pathway for Angelica. I need to get flowers and balloons. I need to find a dress and I need to find a way to make her wear it.

I paused for a while, and closed my eyes. I'm getting a headache. I looked around my house and realized that in the longest time, this has been the only time that I was left in this house alone. The place feels a bit cold and being alone somewhat makes you feel lonely, which I don't necessarily felt before. I didn't realize that things have been changing around here- you start to get used to things and suddenly it became part of your system. Benjamin is slowly becoming part of mine, and Lana and I of his. Five, ten years down the road, we will be a permanent fixture of each other's lives.

2am, I'm still cracking my brain, trying to understand what would be the sequence of events. It's better to have a draft before I meet with Jun tomorrow. We don't have time to waste. He can approve or amend what I currently have- it's much easier that way.

That guy didn't come back after he left to have a shower. He said he has something to finish. I grinned realizing that he suddenly is having cold feet.

Magpu-propose pa lang tapos, natatakot na agad sya.
Ay naku, Benjamin!

I think there's only so much that my pride can take. I was glad when he said he actually believes in marriage, somehow, para akong nabunutan ng tinik. One hurdle out of the way.

I was looking at nothing in particular, while allowing my head do what it's best at- overthinking. Today made me realized that sometimes when the emotion is too much, we tend to verbalize it in the hopes that putting it into words would somehow give us the power to contain it. I think when we continuously put that emotion into words, the core of it just slowly dissipates until it becomes just a tad special. Parang the moment we put a word into what we feel, logic comes in, then definition follows, bringing in expectation with it. And expectation is bad.

That, and if our excitement is not met with the same energy that you have, we'd notice that from touching that peak, it would reach a plateau then come down to meet the excitement of the other party. Parang nag-compensate... nag-compromise, until the energy between the two is equal and the same. So yeah- that kakulitan is probably the last attempt to lift my excitement a bit higher than what I was feeling towards the end of the day yesterday.

And in an attempt to soften the blow of disappointment, I invited logic again, took a step back, then accept that it probably isn't supposed to be talked about yet. I decided to wrap that excitement and lock it in inside- hoping against hope that I would still have those butterflies and magic the moment he pops that question.

Butterflies and magic and reasons...
The butterflies are still there. I can feel their wings fluttering inside my stomach- but unlike before, I don't think they're that many.

Benjamin told me before that he hoped I wouldn't find the how's and why's of loving him. But I guess, recently, reason is getting in the way. My mind is beginning to recognize that I do love this guy- and I'm not sure if that is good or bad. I would find myself be amazed and disappointed in the same breath, because he's doing things beyond and below my expectation. The ecstasy that I felt before is beginning to come down because I have put a bar, and it's a hit and miss sometimes.

What would happen if the butterflies are slowly being freed by reason, logic and expectation? Would there still be love?

What if one day he finds the answers to his own how's and why's- would he still love me as he loved me before? Or is he slowly feeling what I've been feeling lately?