He Walks Alone in the Moonlight

I GROW AND I BREAK THINGS

The rest of their time at Mugunghwa pavilion passed with little conversation. Such a comfortable silence had become a rarity to Jihyun, and he watched the snow fall with a contented sigh. At some point during their time together, Jihyun had relinquished the cloak back to the crown prince, who then insisted on wrapping an arm over Jihyun's shoulder and tucking him into his side. The action sent a warning buzz from the crown of his head down to his toes, but he resisted the urge to pull away and instead leaned into the prince's warmth.

    "I've always hated the winter." Doyoon suddenly confessed. Jihyun looked up from his spot below the prince's chin, barely able to make out the far-off look in the royal's eyes.

    "Why?" Jihyun could feel the thrum of his own voice against Doyoon's chest.

    "Because everything dies. Winter comes along and strangles life out of the world." An involuntary giggle escaped Jihyun, which he quickly smothered with his hand. "What is it? Why did you laugh?"

    "It's nothing, really. You're just not entirely... correct about winter."

    "In what way? I see the leaves turn brown, I see the lakes freeze over. The insects no longer buzz and the birds no longer sing-"

    "I know. I didn't mean to offend you," Jihyun shifted ever so slightly out of the prince's hold, wrapping his arms around himself as the cloak slid open.

    "You did not offend me," the prince was quick to soften his tone, tugging Jihyun back into his embrace. "I simply don't understand what you mean. In what way am I mistaken about winter?"

    "You... you really want to know?" Doyoon nodded, brushing his nose along the top of Jihyun's head with the motion. "Well, there are a lot of things happening during the winter that we can't see. Unless we know how to look for them."

    "What kinds of things?"

    "The winter that my mother died, our camp physician, Raejoon-"

    "The one that treated you?" Doyoon's voice strained on the word treated, and he squeezed Jihyun a little tighter.

    "Yes. That winter, he took me deep into the forest, and made me dig into the ground. He told me to dig a hole as big as my hand, and then he would look into that hole. He had me do that about a dozen times, and I became frustrated. I actually yelled at him. I don't think I had ever yelled at an elder before then. I was ready to give up and run away." He paused, recalling the memory. His red, frozen fingertips. The icy air burning his lungs.

    "It was like the loss of my mother had become a physical thing. Like my directionless digging represented how I felt at that time, how I sometimes still feel. But then Raejoon demanded I dig another hole, and that time I found something."

    "What did you find?"

    "A seed. One that had begun to split down the middle. It was covered in dirt, completely ordinary and uninspiring, and the sight of it overwhelmed me. I'd been digging for hours and had finally found something. Yet for all that effort all I got was a seed. One that, to my young mind, resembled something broken."

    "Raejoon joined me at that hole, he watched me stare at it. Then he told me something I promised to never forget. He said that the seed wasn't broken, it was growing. That this seed would one day grow into a tree like the others in the forest. But it could only do that after experiencing the coldness of winter. If you planted that seed in the summer, it would stay below the earth and rot, but when planted in the winter, the seed would crack. The beginnings of life could break free and make its way above ground to greet the spring, but only after experiencing winter."

    "I thought that he was just trying to comfort me, to tell me that I would grow stronger after the hardship of my mother's passing, but I wanted to see if he was right. I buried the seed, and I marked the spot. In the spring I returned, and a sprout stood in that place. I decided to visit it every time I had the chance. I watched it become a sapling, watched it grow to my height. It's much taller than me now."

    "That is not a hard feat," the prince hummed, swaying forward to rest more heavily on Jihyun.

    "Are you trying to make a joke?"

    "Why? Was it not funny?" Doyoon sounded genuine, but a playful smirk tugged at his lips. Jihyun huffed, turning in the prince's embrace to face him.

    "No, it was not."

    "My apologies. I'll refrain from making comments on your stature in the future." Before Jihyun could retort the insincere apology, the prince spoke again. "I appreciate you telling me that story. Perhaps I will like winter more now. Particularly if you are by my side for it." Jihyun looked away, uncomfortable at the implication. His gaze strayed to the whip lying on the ground.

    "Earlier, you said you were trying to think of things to do to ease my frustrations."

    "Yes," the prince said hesitantly, his body tensing beneath Jihyun's fingertips.

    "Could you get rid of that? So I never have to see it again." Jihyun stepped out of the prince's cloak and pointed to the whip. A tense moment passed as the prince studied the weapon, his face dark.

    "Certainly." So swiftly Jihyun could barely make sense of it, the prince retrieved the whip and hurled it off the pavilion, where it fell into the pond with a splash. It sank quickly, engulfed by the dark water until only faint ripples of its entry remained.

    "Will that suffice? If not I'll fish it out and burn it."

    "No- no, that is... that is enough," Jihyun said breathlessly.

    "You looked at me."

    "What?"

    "Back then," the prince jerked his chin toward the water, "on that day. You looked at me like you expected something from me. I hope, one day, you will look at me like that again. Like you have expectations for me. Like there is something within me worth drawing out." Jihyun pressed his lips together at the prince's confession. What could he say to that? The prince grabbed Jihyun's hands, regaining his attention.

    "What I'm trying to say is, I'll be like that seed. I will get through this winter, and I will grow. So, as you did for that sapling, will you stay by my side and watch me?" Jihyun removed his hands from the prince's grasp, suddenly aware of the shortness of his hair, the hardness of his back.

    "I don't... I don't know if I can do that." Jihyun didn't stay to see what effect these words had on the prince, he couldn't. So he raced to his quarters without looking back, leaving only footprints in the snow.