FEAR IS FOR THE WEAK [GHOST//SOAP X OC]

36. ARE YOU ASKING ME TO STAY?

《 A/N … I appreciate every single one of you who have stumbled upon this story of mine and would be absolutely grateful if you could leave a like or sneaky comment on this. It helps me know I'm on the right path but also keeps me motivated to write more stories like this.
Much love. 》

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Johnny had cried in my arms before but this, he actually fucking broke and it hurt, it hurt knowing I was partially responsible for how much pain he was in, so I just held him, gently stroking his hair while he cried in my arms, everything he was feeling, pouring out of him and he held me just as tightly. “I’m so sorry.” I whispered at one point before I pulled him across the couch with me and laid down, letting him lay on top of me.

I don’t even know how long we were there for but even I sobbed for a while before I pulled myself together, because I had cried enough over the last few months and right now, Johnny needed this more than me. I had no idea, because I hadn’t been around, whether or not he had even let himself grieve for Simon and with how he had looked when he dropped the box off, and the way he was hurting now, it told me enough that I really didn’t think he had grieved at all. And when I tell you I felt like absolute fucking shit for how I had treated him, for letting my own emotions blind me enough to push him away, I hated myself all over again for it. 

After a few more minutes I felt him stop crying, instead he was just trying to take in deep breaths, shaky breaths at that, before he rolled his head to the left, and I felt him wipe his nose. “Johnny.” I said softly and felt him humm in reply. “I’m so fucking sorry I’ve been such a bitch…I never meant to hurt you like this.” My voice cracked slightly and I felt his arms squeeze me gently.

“He knew.” I heard his own voice crack, muffled and weak. “He made me promise no matter what, to just stay…he said you’d be furious, and I thought he was takin the piss.” He tried to chuckle but I heard it fail in his throat before he leant up on his arms and looked at me with those bloodshot, hurt eyes and I felt that guilt hit me again. “I didn’t know what to do…what to say to you.” 

I grabbed his face and sat up with him, pressing my forehead to his, closing my eyes and just held him there. “I should have been there for you too.” It broke out of me as tears fell again. “You lost your friend, you were there and you needed me and I just got so worked up in my own grief, anger and guilt that I pushed you aside because I couldn’t face you.” I sobbed. His hands came up to mine and he pulled them from his face, which made me panic because maybe I had pushed him too far.

His eyes scanned mine, lost and broken and I wondered if I’d ever see that spark come back to his eyes. “That’s all I felt too…anger and guilt that it was me coming back alive and not him, Jessie.” He said quietly as he lowered our hands between us. “I was angry at him for saving me…and I felt guilty because I survived, and he didn’t…that he was giving up his life, a life with you…to save me…how could I look at you, and explain that to you?”

He reached up and wiped my tears away. “I understand why you pushed me away…and I was fine with that, but not the drinking and fuckin around…I knew you were going to self destruct and so did Simon, thats why he made me promise to watch out for you…but enough Jessie, I can’t sit back and watch you slowly destroy yourself. He wouldn’t want that for you.” His voice got more stern as he spoke and I could hear how hurt he was by my behaviour.

I got up and went to my room, wiping my face before I reached into my side table and grabbed Simon’s journal, holding it to my chest before I went back to the couch, watching Johnny frown slightly and once I was sitting down again, I handed it to him. “I know he wouldn’t…I just needed to feel something.” I replied flatly as he opened the journal up. The moment he did his eyes were on me again. “He’s gone, Johnny…I’ve accepted it, I have…and that helped, so it’s your turn to have it…when you're done, let Price read it.”