blindness

³² it felt forever

People were coming in and out, wanting pizzas, sandwiches, fries; everything on a Wednesday night. Few drunks came in, asking for more beer - talking 'bout the every day life, crying and in the end leaving like nothing happened.

They reminded you of, well you. You haven't been drunk for so long and it made feel weird. Every Saturday night was for drinking, but past few months; you hadn't touched the bottle of Vodka.

Your co-worker started speaking to you about them, but you didn't hear her. She was rambling about something, but you were talking to yourself inside your head - like always.

"These guys always amaze me. And their wives too," she laughed a little, hoping you'd do the same.

"You good girl?" She snapped her fingers in front of your face to wake you up from your trance. "You're always off, but today I feel like you aren't even here," she said, hoping to make you smile maybe.

"I am, I am here.. just thinking about something. I have a lot of things to do so - it's kinda throwing me on the edge," you spoke, giving her a little smile she wanted.

It was very normal for everyone who worked at this hour of the day to feel so numb. Even for you - what was giving you a lot to focus was the message. You were thinking if it was really a mistake or was it done on purpose. However, you'd never answer it or give yourself a chance to look at it again. You just waited to tell someone, someone who knew the story very well - at 3am.

"It happens to you too often. I gotta take the pizza in the back, you please make the sandwiches," she went in the back and you did how she asked. She left a paper note for you to remember what went in which sandwich.

~

"How was it in school?"

"It was good.. nothing new really," you answered.

"And what about Jean?" Another question was asked.

"He wasn't in school today.. he got sick," you said shortly after.

That talk was the last talk you had with your father. Few questions were added, but only one thing remained in your mind.

"You wanna go with me to Mc's?"

That never happened. You never went with him to Mc's, he vanished before you could ask him about it again. What happened that day was a mystery, until you got to turn 21, just then your mother cried herself to you for everything she did. You never forgave her.

The way your father saw everything, was the way you saw everything. You two were always hanging out and all, even though he was drunk and on drugs. He didn't let you see him that way. He always wanted from you to dream big - that's what your mother once said. Maybe it was the truth, after all, you'd never know that.

Whatever was going in his mind, it didn't make sense to you.

Maybe that last talk, maybe he saw how bad you started doing. How bad it all started going for you. Maybe he believed that it will help you if he leaves. Maybe it was all a dream and you had to wake up from it.

You knew why he left - but you couldn't bring yourself to believe it. Leaving because he found out that your mother was giving you pills to not end up like him. Well schizophrenia or not, the pills were never the answer for that. Two out of four kids ended up having it. Maybe Reiner and Colt also had it, but it wasn't showing much - or they never talked about it really.

You hated the way you were made. The way you thought, the way you talked and how you were doing things. You hated how it all went downhill for you and how life never gave you what you asked for.