Inner Thoughts

HOW WE ENDED

They said our relationship was perfect.

We have so much fun. We love each other, respect each other, admire each other, support each other. We were perfect together. We had it so good. So good that I thought he was the one.

A lot of things happened. We fought silent battles and have been bottling up the words that should be said for the sake of comfort and peace because we both don't want to complicate things. We choose not to complain, accept what has been given, ignore the shortcomings.

Maybe that's where it all goes wrong. We lie about the little things, and the lies just grow bigger as time passes. We fight, but he always begs for forgiveness regardless of who is at fault. I know he loves me. He loves me so much that it hurts.

It's suffocating...

I feel like I can't breathe...

I was unhappy and told him that we should end it, but he strongly refused and said to try to work this out. I had no choice but to agree, for his sake.

I didn't know it at first. I was struggling every day to pretend that I was still into him, that I still loved him, but I was just lying to myself because the feeling was long gone. The relationship can't be fixed anymore and he knew that. He makes an effort for us to return to the time when we were still in love, to go on countless dates, to give gifts, and to ensure that we have quality time every week. But, despite that, I can't feel it. I am not happy anymore. Every time I'm with him, my energy drains. I just can't stay with him any longer. I reflect and look back at where it all went wrong. I admit we have a fair share of mistakes. I used to blame myself because I'm always at fault.

Whatever I did, I ended up hurting him...

I'm selfish, self-righteous, and over-confident. I built myself like that, so no one can break me. I believe that whatever I do, he will always be there waiting for me, but my ego failed to comprehend what I learned when I accidentally viewed his account. Conversations with different girls, seeking comfort from them, and being his confidant because I am becoming the source of his sadness. That strikes my ego. I couldn't think straight. I was furious, but I pretended I didn't know. I should have talked about it. We should discuss it maturely, but I chose not to.

The next day, I realize I can't deal with him any longer. I acted cold and just waited for him to call it off, but he never did. I tried to break up, but once again, he stopped me.

Pity? Maybe.

Or I can't just completely let go of the relationship we built.

Until I met this guy, who is 12 years older, he was kind, sweet, and a gentleman. A lot of girls want him. I wasn't supposed to like him but, in unfortunate circumstances, I fell. I fell deeper and it's hard to climb back up.

The unwanted feeling paved its way. The sadness and frustration find comfort from others just like what he did. It leads to one thing, the one thing I will regret for the rest of my life.

I cheated.

I cheated with a married man. And that is how we ended.

*****