Finding Him In My Multiverse ✔

Chapter 44:

|my favorite chapter for my favorite person|

~ Up there ^ , If you wanna listen to a song while/before/after reading, Still by Niall Horan~

Chapter 44:

Alyssa:

My hands felt sweaty as I held the first letter. According to the date, it was written on the day of my accident. I convinced myself I wasn't doing anything wrong by taking satisfaction in the fact that the letters were addressed to me.

I could read them. It didn't matter.

One after the other, I read all of them, reading some of them twice, wondering if the careless hand writing really did belong to Seth, if it was really him who had sat down to write something for me.

•••

Alyssa,

You're in the hospital right now. Every second, I expect you to open the door and walk into your room, scolding me for sitting at your table and writing you a letter. I thought being in your room might make me feel closer to you. It did, a little. Then I saw the paper and pen on your table and decided writing to you would help. It does feel a little like I am talking to you. Only, I don't think I would say all of this if you were in front of me. You make me nervous.

The Doctor said you'd wake up in an hour since I left so I don't have much time to spend here. I want to see your face and I want to be there when you open your eyes and tell me you hate me for the stupid fracture I gave you. Brooke says it's not my fault but I still think I should've been more careful.

I feel selfish as I think about what your fracture means to me. It means I can visit you again and again using your health as an excuse. It buys me time. It buys us time.

Seth.

•••

Alyssa,

I'm in your room again, thinking about you on that Hospital bed, your eyes closed and an awful bandage on your head.

You don't remember any of what happened in the last few months. You don't remember me. I can't sleep right now. I keep thinking about you. I wake up in the morning and plan our interaction in my head only to realize you aren't there in the house. But I still am. I told Emma I want to stay with you. She said it was okay. Even your Mom said it was fine. Can you believe that?

I'll ask her if I can spend the nights with you in the Hospital. Hopefully, she says yes and maybe you'll look at me one night and get a flashback to our nights in the attic.

Only, that isn't how retrograde amnesia works and it makes me mad.

Seth.

•••

Alyssa,

You make me so scared. I look at you and think about how good you are and then I look at myself. Will my feelings be valid when you decide I'm just not good enough? That I'm just another guy? Just some clingy dude sticking to you even when you need to rest? I know you don't think this way but if I had RA and I woke up to a girl making lovey-dovey faces at me, I'd have her banned from my room.

It's funny I can joke about this. I'm trying not to give up.

•••

Alyssa,

There are possibilities you'll never get your memories back. If that is the case, then I'll have to try harder to make you look at me like I matter. Right now, you just look at me with a confused expression, like I make you dizzy. I don't want to scare you away.

I thought of telling you about our trip to the pond, or our bike rides, or the concert or the attic but I decided against it. I mean what would I say? Oh, hey, remember that concert we went to? No, I think the fuck not, you'd answer.

Those memories are more like feelings rather than words. I remember what I felt with you but I don't think I'll do myself justice if I try to put it into words. Also, I don't want to creep you away for good. Remember the ducks in that pond? I imagine myself asking. I know you'd smile at me and shake your head no, but on the inside, I know it makes you sad. Not being able to remember stuff.

Seth.

•••

Alyssa,

I know I told you I'd keep waiting for you to kiss me but I'm afraid time will slip by and nothing will be left of us to hold onto.

Seth.

•••

Alyssa,

Remember Miss Doris? Probably not but when I went to the Bakery to get you donuts, I met her.

You won't believe what she told me. She said, "sensitive people love very deeply, Harrison" I just knew she was talking about you.

The whole day, I kept thinking about that and I kept imagining you telling me you love me. I think, or I know I'll be the first one to say it but I still don't know if I'll hear it back from you. I don't care if you don't say it immediately after I do. I just don't want you to feel like it's impossible to love me.

You always surprise me. Maybe, you would do it again.

Seth.

•••

Alyssa,

I just want you to come back. There's just one thing going on in my head all the time: Alyssa, Alyssa, Alyssa, Alyssa, Alyssa, Alyssa. It never stops and it drives me crazy. Would you believe me if I say I love you now more than ever? That it keeps increasing everyday even if you don't remember us?

Seth.

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Qotd: If you could look into any celebrity's head for a day, who would you pick?

Me: The Weeknd. He's mysterious as hell.