Do it 'cause I like the pain

Chapter 10

I walked into the library, I saw Sam at a table with his laptop and a mug of coffee.
He said" Hey, Jude."
I said" He left, huh?"
" Yeah, he did. But he'll be back in a couple days."
" Why's he so hellbent on killing the..."
" Demon. Because the demon could come after you and that's something Dean can't risk."
" Why not?"
" Because you're his son."
" He doesn't know me, neither of you do. I don't even know you guys! And-And I miss my mom, and I miss my home, I wanna go home! He doesn't even talk about her! He acts like nothing happened!"
" He's just trying to push back the feelings, Jude. He cares, a lot, Jude. He just thinks it's better when he pushes away the emotions."
" I can't do that!" I breathed heavily, then punched the table as hard as I could, I yelped in pain, then sighed as relief travelled through me.
" Jude, you okay?" I nodded quickly, then walked away from him," Hey, where are you going?"
" To th-my room. I-I... need to call Brooklyn. Uh, and-and try to calm down."
" You need to hear her voice." I sighed then nodded, before rushing off to my room.

I called Brooklyn, pacing my room, after a few rings, she answered.
She said" Hi, Jude."
I said" Hey. Uh, how are you?"
" I'm fine. It's going okay. I'm gonna try out for soccer, so hopefully I'll get on the team."
" Cool, you're an amazing runner, so you'll totally get on the team."
" Yeah, thanks. So, you enrolled yet?"
" Uh, not yet. Gonna be soon though, don't worry."
" I'm not worried, I just know school isn't easy for you."
" Hey."
" As in making friends, Jude. You like picking fights."
" Yeah, I know. I'll be fine, don't worry, I won't start any fights unless someone really pisses me off." She giggled,
" Fine, I won't worry." I smiled, sighing, I gulped, I just lied my ass off." Hey, I've gotta go, talk later?"
" Yeah, sure. Bye."
" Bye." She hung up, I fell back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling, I gulped then closed my eyes. I opened my eyes and looked at my hand, it was starting to change from red to yellow, it'll be purple in some spots soon.

Someone knocked on the door, then it opened,
Sam said" Hey, want some dinner?" I shook my head," You sure?" I nodded my head," You okay?" I shook my head," Jude we can't help you, if you don't tell us what's wrong."
I said" I miss my mom. I have a dad that I just met. A fucking demon tried to kill me. Monsters exist. I want to punch something so hard that I break bones."
" You scared Dean'll hit you?" I gulped, nodding a little," Jude, he'd never hit you, understand me?" I looked at him, sitting up," I know you don't believe me, I understand why, but I swear Dean'll never hit you."
" W-What... until I make him mad, or come home with a failing grade... or just exist? I-I... I deserve to be hit. I am a bad person. I deserve it."
" You don't deserve to get beat, Jude."
" I liked it!"
" Maybe, but you didn't deserve it, okay? You're an amazing kid."
" How do you know?!"
" Because you're your mother's son. You're amazing, no matter what you do."
" I beat people up."
" Yeah, you did. You regret it after?" I sighed, looking down," And how many fights did you start? As in, you threw the first punch."
" Eight."
" You got in way more fights than eight."
" Mmhmm."
" And how many times did you get in trouble for trying to help students?"
" A lot..."
" You're not a bad person, Jude. That is what that asshole seared into your brain to make you think you deserve that abuse."
" I-I don't..." I breathed heavily, then covered my head,
" Hey, hey." I felt his hands on my arms, I was shaking," Hey, focus on my voice, Jude, focus on my voice. Everything's going to be okay, you're okay, try to breathe slower." I tried to breathe slower, I gasped for air," Hey, keep breathing slowly. It's okay, everything's going to be okay." I could finally breathe normally... my body slumped.

After a few minutes,
Sam said" How often do you get panic attacks?"
I mumbled" Every few days... longest I went without one was a week... that's 'cause stepdad was on a trip with his friends. C-Can I... Can I go to sleep?"
" Yeah, bud. I'll be in the library or my room if you wake up and need me, okay?"
" Okay." He walked out, leaving the door open, I sighed then laid down, digging my face into the pillow.
———
Dean's POV
It's been a few days, I found the demon, I pinned her to the wall, the demon knife against her neck. She smirked at me.
I said" Why'd you kill 'em?"
She said" Oh... maybe we found out that one of the Winchester's had a spawn, who was all alone..."
" Well, too bad. He ain't alone anymore. Why kill his stepdad?"
" Oh, he was just for fun."
" What about the others?"
" For pleasure. You're avoiding your little plaything, Dean." I glared at her," Huh, wanna know why we killed her?"
" Shut up."
" We knew you had to have had a thing for her... at some point, possibly even still now. We were gonna kill them both and drag their souls to hell." I stabbed her in the heart, she lit up, I pulled the knife out and she fell.

I walked into the motel room, I sighed, then put my head in my hands, Jude doesn't deserve this. Hailey didn't deserve this. It's all my fault. I let her take off and didn't go after her, I shouldn't have let her take off. I sighed then packed up my stuff quickly, ready to get back to the bunker and to my son.

I walked into the bunker, and to Cas and Sam,
I said" Where's Jude?"
Sam said" In his room, where's been since he had a panic attack, about two days ago. I got him to eat nutella and marshmallow fluff sandwiches, cheez-its, and water."
" Healthy."
" Dude, it took me 4 hours just to get him to eat that."
" I'll go see if I can get him to eat something more better..." I walked away from them,
" Dean, wait, wait-" I stopped and looked at him," Dean, he thinks you'll hit him. It's wired into his brain, it's not your fault. That guy who did, he made Jude feel like he deserved to be beat, that he was a bad person."
" He's not a bad person."
" I know, but he doesn't understand that."
" I gotta go talk to him."

I peeked into Jude's room, he was drawing more art on his bag. I knocked on the door, he looked at me, taking off his headphones.
I said" Hey, kid."
He said" Did you kill it?" He looked down, and went back to drawing.
" Yeah, demon's gone. Jude..." He glanced up, but kept his stare down," Hey, look at me, please." He looked at me, I walked to him and grabbed a chair, sitting across from him." I'm never going to hit you, I swear, Jude. I know you don't believe me, okay? I understand that you've gotta figure that out on your own. And I'm here for you when you want me to be."
" Why won't you hit me?"
" Because you don't deserve it, Jude. You don't, no matter what you think." He shook his head, looking down, I sighed then took his bag." Jude, do you hurt yourself, other than punching stuff?" He shook his head quickly," All right, you don't gotta tell me if you do or don't. I just want to know more about you." He sighed then pulled out a lighter, he lit it, staring at the flame.
He mumbled" I sometimes burn myself... it-it... I-I like it, it feels different from punching stuff."
" Where do you burn yourself?" He pulled off his shirt and raised his arm, I saw small burn marks on the underside of his upper arm." Jude, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you went through this. All of it. You don't deserve this pain."
He said" When do I start school?" He's changing the subject, I clicked my tongue then looked at him.
" In a few days, I think you should cool down for a few days, get your grounding." He nodded, I gave him back his bag but grabbed the switchblade inside." Mom give this to you?"
" Yeah. I've perfected it now." He took it and flipped it open easily,
" Cool, Jude. Your mom was always good with a blade, nicked me a couple times when I got on her nerves." He looked at me,
" Let me guess, drumming your fingers on wood."
" Annoyed the hell out of her, she hated it, would hit me upside my head any time I did it near her."
" She's throw something at me, like once it was a bag of marshmallows." I chuckled, smiling,
" You got lucky. She nicked my jaw when I did it, after a few dozen pleas of Dean, stop. It's annoying. Then threats Dean, I'mma kick your ass if you don't stop drumming." He laughed, I smiled, he froze then looked down." I know you miss her, I know it hurts like hell, but kid, you're strong, I know you're strong even if you think you're weak. I've got your back, Jude, okay? No matter what. I'm on your side."