One Step Ahead part I | Sirius Black

Chapter 114

Gwen holds her breath, her hands curling into fists by her side.

She could do this. She wasn't lying, she just wasn't saying everything. She bites down hard on the inside of her cheek before saying simply,

"I'm traveling for the holidays."

Her heart shouts at her to take it back when Sirius looks crestfallen. He frowns, trudging through the high snow to get closer. He feels a pinch of hurt. Why had she waited so long to say something? It was nearly the end of the first term. Sirius asks quietly,

"Why didn't you say..."

He trails off when he sees how uncomfortable James looks. Fidgety, weird. James pulls at his collar and avoids eye contact with his best mate. Realization dawns on Sirius and his jaw clenched, teeth gritting together as he grounds out, "Traveling where?"

Her smile is faint, still unbothered despite the turmoil beneath the surface. She clears her throat delicately before saying, "I haven't decided—"

"Haven't decided or haven't been told?" Sirius interrupts, voice raising. Gwen sighs and pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to keep her voice steady as she says, "Sirius, can we talk about this inside?"

"No," He retorts, wrenching his arm away when James goes to touch him. He scowls at his friend and asks irritably, "What do you know, Prongs?"

"Nothing, mate," James replies hurriedly. "Honest! I've just been asking Gwen about her holiday."

Sirius tears his eyes away from his friend and glares at Gwen. His self preservation mode is kicking in along side his anger. His heart feels heavy in his chest, throat tight as he demands,

"How long?"

Gwen frowns, her fingers itching to touch him. He was right in front of her, close and at the same time beyond her reach.

"Sirius," She pleads quietly, hoping that he can see reason. That he can see she needs to do this.

"How long!" He shouts, his voice bouncing off the leafless trees and ice that shields the dark water just beyond where they stand.

Gwen chews on the inside of her cheek and says softly, "I've known since November."

Sirius stares at her in disbelief, his anger only growing at the passiveness on her face. He tries to be rational, tries to talk himself down. But he's fuming. Since November. He'd been talking to her about the holiday for at least that long.

"You've known for a month that you were going to be gone for the holidays?"

Gwen sighs and says brashly, fingers twitching, "I don't see why traveling—"

"BECAUSE YOU ARENT JUST TRAVELING! THIS ISNT JUST SOME FUCKING VACATION, IS IT?!"

James flinches at his friends loud cry, but the Veela remains firm. She frowns, staring into his eyes. Sweet silver had turned to smoke, a flame stoked by anger.

"I've made my decision," Gwen states, tone ringing with finality. Sirius scoffs and shakes his head, insisting, "No, you haven't. You are coming home with me for the holidays. That is the decision. The only decision."

Gwen shakes her head, her heart breaking as her resolve grows stronger. Sirius' face falls and behind the anger is unbridled fear.

"Ninnie," He begs, pleading with his eyes. He reaches out and grabs her warm hand in his cold one. His imagination runs wild with what this trip could hold. She wouldn't be safe. She'd be at risk, and for what? He needed her. He needed her safe, and warm, and with him. He hurriedly continues, "Come with me. It's not safe. You don't even know where you're going."

James hesitates, close to saying something. But Gwen shoots him a look and a subtle shake of her head. He stands silently, watching nervously as Gwen says gently,

"Sirius, I'm going to be fine—"

"You don't know that!" His voice is raw with emotion. She can't do this. Cant keep secrets and then just leave without a word on where she was going, who she would be with. Sirius straightens and insists, "I'm going to Dumbledore right—"

"No," Gwen finally interrupts, voice flat. Her tongue is sharp, ready for more as Sirius scowls. She swallows and continues, "You will not."

Sirius blinks at her, desperate to make her stay. To make her see reason. They were too young to already be fighting this war. She was too young to do this on her own. His anger flares at how nonchalant she is, how unaffected she seems. She can't see what this is doing to him, can't see how not knowing where she is for nearly three weeks would hurt him. It would eat him alive. And if she were harmed it would destroy him.

Gwen blinks at him, waiting patiently. She's not sure what to expect. Sirius finally opens his mouth and says firmly, "If you do this, if you go...I'm finished."

She flinches like she's been slapped, the wind knocked from her lungs. And Sirius feels a tiny bit of relief. A reaction. Finally. Her cheeks are flushed when her eyes meet his again, eyes that read like a stone wall. Impenetrable. What he wouldn't give to know what she was thinking.

Gwen takes a deep breath in, her anger growing in the pit of her stomach. James watches on fearfully, wincing at Sirius' words. He only grows more anxious when the Veela sighs and says quietly,

"If that's your decision."

Sirius balks at her, stunned silent. His decision. His. He swallows past the lump in his throat, voice dangerously low as he growls, "The decision is yours, Whitlock."

His heart breaks a little more when she smiles, sad and faint. But resolved. She lets go of his hand and shakes her head, replying simply, "I've made my choice. Ultimatums won't change my mind."

Sirius feels heat prickling behind his eyes. It's not just anger this time. That familiar ball of emotions is back, unable to be untangled. But he knows he's mad. He can hold onto the fact that he's mad, even more than he can to his fear. 

But even now, he wants to go to her. Wants to take her into his arms and whisper something funny that will earn him one of her pretty laughs. Wants to kiss her sweet lips and bask in the smell of jasmine.

He can't cave now, because he hopes maybe she will first. They'd always been this way, toeing the line to see who would bed first. Though now he realizes it's not about bending. It's breaking.

That much he's certain of when Gwen says quietly, "I love you. I love you so much and I wish you could see that's why I'm doing this."

Another crack in his heart. He clenches his fists, feeling an unsettling emptiness in his chest. This was what he had been afraid of. Loving her. Needing her. Depending on her. Because he would die first if only to not have to live through the pain of her getting hurt.

Sirius takes a deep breath in, the frigid air stinging his lungs, tears stinging his eyes.

"If you loved me, you wouldn't leave me."

Gwen winces at his words, her chest caving in as Sirius turns and leaves her standing in the snow with James, the two of them too stunned to say anything more.

This was what she had been afraid of.