Predisposition|Remus Lupin

I am my own

Chapter XLVII

Tom Odell: Long Way Down (got me through many tough nights)

Remus

"Where are you going?"

Fuck.

"To see my baby." And for a moment Tonks thinks I'm talking about Guinevere, and for a moment I am. For a moment, it's like nothing changed, except I'm sharing a bed with someone else. "Guinevere is pregnant with my child and I'd like to know exactly how that happened."

I apparate before she can fit another word in and it's the affliction in Tonks's eyes. The way they're begging for affection I can't give her, I barely look after myself. I hoped having someone else would make it easier to get over her, but there are people like Guinevere, with a capital P. Because Guinevere isn't just a person, she's my Person. Tonks tells me you can't love someone unless you love yourself first. But what she doesn't understand is that I've never even tolerated myself, but Guinevere?

God, I loved her so much I forgot to hate myself in the meantime.

Forgot what it felt like to lament on bitterness, what it felt like to bite the tip of my tongue, I forgot how to breathe, to have my lungs forcefully keep my body going. I let myself in and I smell her instantly, if I focus enough, I can almost feel her actions, the way her fingers knead the dough, the way she does it with diligence, stopping to wipe flour from her swollen stomach. Maybe she feels me too, maybe that's why she calls out to me.

"No use lurking in corridors." Her voice like chains pulls me to her, it's like how my mother used to scorn me for listening to my father shout at her. She would hurry up the stairs, wiping my tears before her own and she would cradle me until it all seemed like a horrible nightmare.

Sirius is snoring softly in the other room. It seems there's a small smile on his lips as he sleeps, maybe it's knowing Guinevere is here with him. Maybe he's relishing in her comfort. The table is filled with an assortment of baked goods, every one of them like a white flag in our battle. Every scent is soothing, every moment is telling us we need to be calm, it's such a gentle command one might not hear it, but I always have paid attention to Guinevere.

I've always paid attention to you too.

Her thought startles us both and Guinevere lets Kreacher finish the bread as she stands opposite me, letting me see her fully.

"Never seen a pregnant woman before?" Fuck I missed that lightness, that humour lacquering her voice. Like thick treacle coating every sense until I'm so numb I can't hear the words leave my mouth.

"I've never seen my child." It's bitter and hurtful and it's accusing. And that's when things turn brittle. When the white flag goes down and we're ready for war. Our love always was a battlefield, but at least then we were on the same side.

"And whose fault was that?"

"You weren't pregnant when I-"

"When you what? What exactly did you do? You left. You abandoned me."

"I did it for you. I did it for the greater good."

"The greater good." She scoffs, turning her back on me. But you are my greater good, you are the only thing I have left. You are everything I am fighting for, everything I risk, I do it for her. I'll drench myself in blood if it means you have a smile on your face.

Stupidity, bravery or my sheer devotion to her, I tell her. I don't care if she's offended, she should be, I want her to know everything I risk is for her. And I know I sound selfish, but I want to be, because I'm betrayed. I am aching inside and she is doing nothing to comfort me, she won't even say my name as I suffer the loss of our love.