Predisposition|Remus Lupin

My lover boy

Chapter XLIV

Queen: Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy

It's instinct as I keep my hand securely placed over my belly as the women surround me. They're my own kind but I still feel terrified to let them near us.

"Olive?" Mum takes my hand and pulls me to her as I stare at my stomach. "I don't understand- I lost the baby. I saw the blood..." I close my eyes and I can imagine the pain that shot through me like a blow to the stomach when I saw we lost our baby Remus.

"Your mother demonstrated power beyond our knowledge. Our kind has been known to expel our own life force to protect another. When you had your accident, your baby was indeed on the brink of death, your mother conserved her energy to the child. Think of it like a bubble, your mother's magic created this protection around the child until they became stable."

"And you couldn't tell me this before?"

"I didn't want to get your hopes up. I wouldn't know if it would work." Her voice drags a little, weariness draining her as I run small circles over my bump.

"So you'll get better now? Olive is safe, I'm safe."

"It doesn't work like that my love." I settle next to her on the bed, her hand laying over mine as we hold our future in our palms. "In giving this little one my energy, I have very little left for myself."

"I can give you mine-" I speak frantically, I can't move as quickly as I'd like to, Olive really grew over the past few months. It's like the effects of pregnancy hit me all at once, my back aches, my feet feel so swollen.

"You need to keep that for yourself. You know what's coming Guinevere, you know there will be people you need to protect. They'll teach you how to control it," she cups my cheek, running her thumb under my eyes as the red of mine reflect onto her glossed eyes. "Trust in yourself-" her eyes begin roll and her hand drops from my cheek.

"Mum-" there's a loud buzzing ringing throughout the ward and Healers rush in as the group surround me and the Nymphs tell me she'll be okay. They tell me they'll protect her, but I see the way her body shakes and convulses, I feel my mother slip between my fingers like the grains of sand on the beach we used to visit.

My chest hammers and there's not enough oxygen here for all of us, not enough for me to grieve and be hostile to Remus. Not enough space within me to carry the weight of this.

I think you feel my panic like it's your own, because I feel you shift in my stomach and I almost feel your reassurance, you aren't even in this world and you're trying to keep me safe.

And I wish I could do the same for you. I wish I could bring you into a world where your dad and I would be happy . Where your grandma was alive and waiting for you with open arms, your grandad wasn't a convict on house arrest who couldn't enjoy the simple pleasures of feeling the sun against his skin.

If I could go back in time and save your father from a date which would rip us apart, I promise my baby I would.

If I could just go back

The gravity of the world we live in knocks me down. We do live in a world where I can go backwards, we live in a world where the impossible is possible, it's just difficult is all. Placing my hand over you, I'm too frightened to Apparate, so instead we walk to the Ministry.

People make way for me and whether it's the sight of a pregnant woman or something threatening about me, the paths clear for us and I never want you to have to suffer.

I never want you to have to wonder where your father is, why your mother has so much hate for the world. It's this that carries me down to the room where we store our Time-Turners, they glisten with promise, dangling from the air just waiting to be snatched by greedy hands.