Predisposition|Remus Lupin

Crinkle of noses

Chapter XL

Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark: Enola Gay

I never realised how cold home could feel.

Home. It's an odd phrase, to someone who doesn't have one it sounds foreign on their tongue. Leaving a bitterness as they reminisce. But there was a trick to finding home, it was what you made it.

Staring up at the cracked ceiling, I counted over the tiles, the dodgy paint marks, the scorch marks from misfired spells. I knew it all as I laid wide awake staring. I even noticed how stale the air was, the sounds of Sirius's snores carrying down the hallway.

The meeting was awful, I'd never seen Molly in such a rage. Her motherly passion for Harry was admirable, and whilst they both had valid points it seemed that no one was actually listening to what Harry wanted. Molly and Sirius skirted around each other the entire meal, but Molly was right. Sirius looked at Harry like James was sat across from him, like his best friend was back and whilst it wasn't a necessarily bad thing, it meant Sirius seemed to forget Harry was 15. And Harry, whilst like James, he wasn't him.

Harry would never be James and Sirius couldn't force that on him. I couldn't begin to think of the torment dad went through, but it wasn't fair on Harry, to paint him in the image of James.

"You're grinding your teeth." Remus mumbled sleepily, facing away from me. I forget the little things, he hears everything I do, it's impossible to do anything without his knowledge. But since the bite, it works both ways, I know when he's lying.

"Sorry." Muttering back quietly, he turns to face me, fingers extending and lightly brushing my hair behind my ear. "Sirius thinks he's James, doesn't he?" Remus inclined his head slightly.

"He misses him immensely."

"I'm sure he does, but he can't do that to Harry. It isn't fair. And to tell Molly he wasn't her son after all she's done? Remus I can't have him fall apart."

"And he won't." Laying on my side, I rest my hand on his arm, running it up and down his sore muscles. With the full moon closing in on us, it was another toss of the coin as to which way he'd go, which side of Remus I'd see. "He has you, Marlene and me. There's going to be no time for him to fall apart."

I stiffen as he mentions my mother, she had been taking in for questioning by the Ministry multiple times about Sirius as her identity came to light. Her relationship with him slurred in the Prophet, it wasn't difficult to learn who was a treacherous snake after Snape's learning at the meeting.

"And us? Are we going to be indefinitely held together?" He takes longer to reply than I want, there isn't a single waver in his breath, a single hitch in his heart beat. So why did he take so long to answer? Remus runs his finger down my nose, smoothing out the permanent crinkle of awaiting disappointment.

"Of course we are. Come here." Pulling me into his chest, his hands run through my hair until I think I can finally drift off until there's a uttering of words. At first I think it's my imagination, but he's repeating the words hastily, burying his face into my hair and the words are like his prayer.

"Forgive me my darling." His voice sounds so strained, like glass cutting at his throat as he drags the words out. I'm not sure if it's real or not, maybe I'm dreaming of betrayal because that's all I've ever received. But not from him, never from Remus.

Whether it's real or not, I forgive him, over and over again.

I forgive you.

But it doesn't mean I won't forget.