Predisposition|Remus Lupin

Battle of the Astronomy Tower

Chapter XLVI

Hamilton Leithauser: A Thousand Times

The world feels nothing like the one I left behind. It feels empty like Remus isn't it. But maybe that's the lack of the bond, the lack of feeling you with me constantly. Tucking the Time-Turner down my jumper, my finger runs over the tears that were left behind, but I had to leave him, can't he see that? I had to return to my time, my present because he was my future. He always would be.

Struggling through the forest, it's much more overgrown than it was a moment ago. There isn't any warmth, there's no bluebells for me to run my hand over, no promise of the summer sun. But I know what I want, I know I have to bring Remus back to me, because otherwise what is the point? Was there ever a reason between good and evil if I never had him to fight for?

Remus once told me to never forget how he made me feel, because it was love. It would always be love, so I have to believe Remus that everything you do for me is out of love. I have to. Otherwise...

I finally reach the edge of the road and London is cast over with grim dark skies. It looks like it's in mourning, it's agonising over a loss and I feel it. The way the air becomes stagnant and lifeless, there's been a death. It's suffocating the morbidness, the way everything seems to move a little slower, a little less vibrant.

Pushing my way to a muggle newsstand, the year 1997 is splashed across the front page along with odd occurrences, clouds of black appearing from nowhere, even the collapse of the bridge across the Thames can't be explained by a failure in architecture.

I've been gone a year. I have missed a year of his life, it's overwhelming how much distance is between us, how long we've been deprived of one another. A year where he's missed me, a year of agony, a year of seeing memories of us everywhere and I want to apologise. I want to kiss him and tell him I'm sorry. But then there's the stark reminder that he left.

Through all the bustling and shoving, it's like he's felt me. Felt my presence, because I no longer feel alone. I don't feel lost, Remus gives me meaning, direction.

It's a pure instinct that pulls me to Hogwarts, which leaves me unnerved, something telling me to prepare for the worst.

As the world caves in, it's him that I run to, it always will be.

Remus

A year with absolutely nothing. No scent, no sound, not even the ghost of her touch.

I know she thinks I cut her off from our bond, but a werewolf can never truly be separated from its mate. It would kill them. All my time in the colonies, I tried to feel her again, just to know she was safe. Until she wasn't.

Until Guinevere simply vanished from the face of the Earth. And now, of course, at the most inconvenient time, I finally feel her presence. I feel every atom in me screaming at me to stop fighting and run to her. To collapse into her touch and to love her again.

"Lupin! There are more Death Eaters than we can manage!" Ron calls over the screams and the spells, Harry's in pursuit of the Malfoy boy and it's the way Snape glances over his shoulder which burns my insides, which makes me want to tear him apart. I can smell his fear, his cowardice. Ron misses a Carrow's spell by a fraction, Harry was smart to give them all Liquid Luck.

"Confringo! Remus, are you okay?" Tonks appears as a flash of pink hair, and it's calming to see such a serene face in the midst of it all. But it's not Guinevere, it's not her face. It's not the same devotion wandering in her eyes as Guinevere's and as much as I try to tell myself I'm content, I'm okay,
I'm far from it. I could settle with okay, but I'm parched for danger, for the thrill. I'm craving the feeling of being complete. I'm barely holding it together and everyone makes sure to make me aware of what a mess I am. How fucked up I am.