Predisposition|Remus Lupin

It was the three of us

Chapter XXXVII

*Trigger warning- distressing and sensitive topic*

Alex Turner: Glass in the park

Remus

It's difficult knowing that I'm an abomination. Even strangers seem to have an affliction to my existence. London was supposed to be one of the most diverse cities in the UK but after my meeting with Dumbledore, all I really want to do is curl up in the cottage in the middle of nowhere with my Guinevere between my arms.

The years I spent in self loathing, hating every particle, every breath I took I wished it was my last. But I was too much of a coward to really end it all. Now I reflect on it, maybe it was fate. Maybe the universe was getting ready to deliver her to me. Deliver me my own sun, my own reason to not just exist, not just to float between the people of the world, but to live. To have a meaning far greater than myself and to wake up in the morning and feel proud I've done just that. Feel proud of myself for eating 3 meals a day. Feel loved-

And now. Now I'll have to go and throw it all away. I'll have to embrace everything I wanted to resist, every part of myself I wanted to ignore. Dumbledore thinks it wise that we try and recruit some of the werewolves, try and see what He Who Must Not Be Named has planned for them. So, I, obviously am the best option they have. The beginning of September, I'll be off to the werewolf colonies and I don't know when I'll next see Guinevere and that terrifies me.

The numbness reminds me of my youth, when I used to walk the streets just hoping for something to make me feel like we'd actually won the war. Because to me? It felt like we'd lost, we'd lost absolutely everything. People laughing and dancing in the streets with their friends and family, but where were mine? Where were my family. I was angry, so so incredibly angry at the world, at magic, at my condition. Youth was not a pretty time for me, I don't think adulthood was either.

It was just rage, filling every sense to replace the gaping ache of loss and mourning. It should have been me that died. What purpose did I have? I didn't have a child to look after, I didn't have a baby reliant on me. James and Lily, they had to be here for Harry, he needed them. He needs them always. It should have been me.

"Where have you been!" Opening to door to Grimmauld Place Sirius is distraught. I've seen him upset before, but this was horrific.

"I was in a meeting with Dumbledore."

"Yes hours ago Moony! You're telling me you've just been wandering the streets!?" Marlene's crying in a room along the hall.

"Where's Guinevere? What's happened." Brushing past him, she's not in the room with Marlene. Instead Tonks is, holding her hand. "Tonks-"

"So you finally decide to turn up!" She strides over and shoved my chest. It's the same exasperation Guinevere would have when I was pitying myself. "I don't know what she sees in you." Me either if we're both being honest.

"Would someone like to tell me what's going on and where my love is?" Through all the rage, there's silence. They're all looking at me like someone's put a Hippogriff and Centaur in a match together. "Sirius."

"She's at Mungo's." It's like the night of my first transformation. I'll never forget it, because all I felt was confusion. Why me? What was even happening. Despite the riveting pain, it was just confusion, when I howled instead of screamed, I wanted to cry I wanted to curl up and cry because I was a monster.