L O R R A I N E
My mind, my body, and my soul just switched back into old me.
As I look into her eyes, parang she served as the missing piece of the puzzle in finding the old me. I can feel my heart beating again. I feel so alive and warm. But despite this warmth ay nakaramdam ulit ako ng pain. It hurts that I didn't apologize, it hurts na hindi ko sya kinausap ng maayos. It hurts now, that I told her all those disgusting things that I said about her. I cannot contain all this pain so my tears started to pour out.
Bakit ka ganyan Rosa, bakit mo ako pinapatawad? Why do you always have to be the kind one? Ah, right. Because I am the Black Sheep. Hah! Now I can see it.
"Hmmm"
She moaned then slowly pulled me on the bed habang hindi nag hihiwalay ang mga labi namin.
"Hmmmmm"
She keeps on moaning and I am already turned on.
"Hmmmm"
She moaned when I roamed my hands around her back, then paakyat sa batok nya. I pulled her head on me para mas lumalim ang mga halik nya sa akin.
Slowly, she planted small kisses on my face, my jaw and then my neck. Ni hindi ko namalayang natanggal na nya ang hoodie sa ulo ko.
"Touch me"
She said between our kisses. I slowly unzipped her dress on her back. Now I am touching her skin on her back. It's so warm.
She kissed me on my neck. Kissed my scar from the bottom, up to the top. I closed my eyes. I tried to let it go. But, the memory, of seeing her at that very moment. When I was gasping for air, coughing up blood, and fighting for life, just shook the hell out of me.
"No, no. Wait."
Bigla akong bumangon mula sa pagkakahiga at isinuot ulit ang hood sa ulo ko para matakpan ang scar ko sa leeg. My hands are in my head.
"I-I'm sorry, Raine."
I slowly looked at her, then looked down the floor again before I answered.
"No, don't be. It's not even your fault."
Lumapit sya sa akin at marahang hinawakan ang braso ko, na nakatakip parin sa ulo ko.
"W-what happened? If you don't mind me asking?"
Sa totoo lang aside from my family, Sid and Pat ay wala na akong ibang pinagsabihan ng nangyari sa leeg ko. Hindi man halata, I'm suffering from PTSD dahil sa mga nangyari sa akin sa kulungan. I just self-diagnosed dahil I refuse to go to a doctor, undergo therapies, or even take pills. I won't ever do that.
But what if I try? This is Rosa. I can trust her. Besides, I'm in her bed now. So maybe she managed to break one of my walls.
I took a big breath and held it inside saka nagsalita.
"Nagkaron ng gulo sa loob ng kulungan. I was held hostage and then she slit my neck but she missed my jugular. But that was life and death for me.
I just spilled it ng walang hingahan. Hanggang sa maubos yung hangin na inipon ko kanina.
"Oh, Raine."
Her tears are falling down her cheeks. She hugged me, tight. Like this is the first time we've seen each other again.
"I'm so sorry, kung wala ako
Kung iniwan kita. Sorry. Sana, sana umuwi ako. Sana--"
I hugged her back. Mahigpit. It just feels so good. After that experience, all I've longed for ay ang yakap nya.
"I longed for this. I longed for you, Rosa."
"Oh, baby believe me I did too. Until now. I've been longing for you ever since we parted. I'm- sorry"
She continued crying. Nagiyakan kaming dalawa.
"Shh, shhhh"
I rubbed her back habang magkayakap kaming dalawa at umiiyak. My heart is overflowing with happiness and pain. Happiness from her embrace at pain from the past.
Humiwalay sya sa pagkakayakap at tinitigan ako. She slowly took off my hood at tinitigan ang tahi ko sa leeg. Marahan syang lumapit dito. Tumingala ako para mas makita nya. Napapikit ako nang maramdaman ko ang pagdampi ng mainit na labi nya sa scar ko.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't there."
Bulong nya sa leeg ko. I hugged her body habang nakadapa parin sya at hinahalik halikan ang tahi ko.
That gentle kisses turned into wild ones. We're back on fire and I am now on top.
"I missed you"
Bulong ko sa tenga nya. Holy shit how satisfying it is to say those words.
"I missed you so much. Sobra."
She whispered back. I removed her dress and now she's only wearing her undergarments.
I kissed her neck, down to her breast still wearing her brassiere.
"Hmmm Raaaine."
She moaned my name. Mas lalo akong nag init sa sinabi nya. Parang kagabi lang, I fantasized about her. She reached for the hem of my hoodie at hinubad ito. I also removed my jammies and now I am only wearing undies too.
She arched her back nang maramdaman nyang ipinasok ko ang kamay ko sa loob ng panties nya. I kissed her nipple bago ito pinaglaruan gamit ang dila ko.
"Aaaahhhhh Raine uhmmmmm"
She roamed her hands from my chest to my tummy to my hips. Napahinto ako nang mahawakan nya ang burn ko sa hita.
"What? What's this?"
Tanong nya sa akin. Habang pareho kaming tumatayo. Sya sa pagkakahiga at ako naman ay tumayo para kunin ang hoodie at pajama ko.
"I-I'm sorry."
I took off her room at naghanap ng bakanteng kwarto. Nang makahanap ako ay agad akong pumasok at nag lock ng pinto.
This is shameful.
Naglakad ako at naghanap ng salamin. Pagdating ko sa closet ay mirror ang pinto nito kaya kitang kita ko, ang burn ko.
300,000,000
Nang makita ko ito ay agad akong tumalon sa kama at pinag susuntok ang mga pillows habang sumisigaw.
"Fuuuuuck you! Fuck you Victor!! FUCK YOU!!!"
I can feel it again. I can feel this hatred again na panandaliang nakalimot kanina.
"Raine, are you okay?"
Katok ni Rosa sa pinto.
"Go away!"
Bulyaw ko sakanya.
"Mag usap naman tayo!"
I stopped and looked at the door.
"I said go away!"
I yelled at the door, with her on the other side of it.
"You should learn to let go! Lorraine!"
I smirked nang marinig ko ang sinabi nya.
"Let go!? Hahaha madali para sa'yong sabihin yan!—At gawin!"
Tahimik lang sya ng ilang segundo.
After I said that ay nakarinig ako ng foot steps paalis. Marahan akong naglakad pabalik sa kama at hinayaang malaglag ang katawan ko rito.
Nakakapagod magalit, pero hindi ito mawawala hangga't hindi ko nagagawa ang plano ko.
"Morning"
Bati sa akin ni Rosa nang makita nya ako paglabas ko ng kwarto. Tumango lang ako sa kanya at pumasok ulit sa kwarto. I want to be alone.
"Are you okay?"
Sigaw nya sa labas ng pinto. I smirked.
"Come on, mag breakfast na tayo"
I rolled my eyes pero napatingin ako sa tyan ko nang marinig kong kumulo ito. Hayss. I haven't eaten anything since last night. Damn it! My body is betraying me.
"Bumaba ka na Lorraine ha!"
Bilin nya sa akin. I took a big sigh at bumaba ng kama saka nanalamin at inayos ang buhok ko bago bumaba.
"Halika na! Kain na tayo!"
Tumingin ako sa paligid.
"Are we alone?"
Tanong ko sakanya. Nag hahanap ako ng mga tao sa paligid. Mga housekeeper. I guess I'm just used to being around many people sa bahay nina Janice. She's now looking up on me, her face is confused.
"Yeah. I live alone."
Sagot nya. Nakatunog ako ng lungkot sa sinabi nya. Napatingin ako sakanya at nakaramdam ng simpatya. I lived alone myself, maybe I was around so many people for the past years but deep inside, I'm alone.
"Okay."
Tanging naisagot ko saka umupo sa upuan at nag simula na kaming kumain.
"Kain ka lang. Uhm dapat may photoshoot ako ngayon eh, kaso cancelled dahil sa bagyo."
Napatingin ako sakanya.
"May bagyo?"
Dahil sa sobrang busy ko sa work ay hindi ko na alam ang mga balita, or maybe wala lang din kasi akong pakealam.
"Yeah. Ayon sa news eh malakas daw, so pati work ko affected. Pero it's okay, atleast makakapag pahinga ako."
She was about to drink water nang tumunog ang phone nya. Pareho kaming napatingin dito at mabilis nya itong kinuha.
"Excuse me"
Tumayo sya at sinagot ito, dumistansya sya pero kitang kita ko parin kung paano sya makipag usap sa kausap nya. She's smiling like crazy. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa mga nakikita ko. Hindi sya mapakali at parang kinikilig ito.
"Are you fucking kidding me? Flirting with that--that fucking someone on the other line? In front of me!?"
I murmured to myself at saka umiling iling. I looked down para magpatuloy sa pag kain nang marinig ko syang tumawa.
"Yeah! Hahaha that was fun! Sure!"
She's now curling the edge of her hair like a teenager na kinikilig sa kausap. I immediately looked down nang matunugan kong titingin sya sa direksyon ko.
"So, nasaan na tayo?"
Masiglang sambit nya pagdating sa table. I looked at her.
"Sa bahay mo?"
I answered with sarcasm, shrugging my shoulders like it's saying, 'obviously! Duh!'.
She smiled.
"Silly."
She giggled.
"Saya natin ah."
I said saka tinusok ng tinidor yung sunny side up. I took it to my mouth, ng isang buo at isinubo ito ng buo. I looked at her and I found her staring at me in awe.
"Okay ka lang?"
This series of question from her is annoying me. I took the glass of water, drank it without breathing, stood up then left the table.
She just laughed when I left.
"Mamaya pala, I have a visitor, si Mark. He'll be staying after the typhoon is gone."
I know I am such a dick to her. But what the hell was that?! Kagabi lang she wanted me to touch her tapos ngayon makikipag flirt sya sa iba!? Like wtf!? I don't fucking care if she wants me or not.
I looked at the mirror.
"Okay, okay."
I slightly slapped myself.
"Okay, we, don't care, Lorraine. We don't care. We don't care if she wants you or not. Just care about yourself, your feelings. Wag mong hayaang paglaruan nya ang puso mo. Just be careful."
I preached myself. Mukha man akong tanga, but I needed it. I need to remind myself what's important, what to protect, how to do ang warn myself.
"Hey!"
Napatayo ako sa kama nang bigla syang pumasok sa kwarto ko.
"What the hell! Uso kumatok!"
Sigaw ko sakanya.
"I need you to take pictures of me. I need to post it on IG!"
She's carrying a top and a pair of jeans and boots on her other hand. I rolled my eyes once again. Makakatanggi ba ako? She's like my employer now, ni hindi ko nga alam kung anong ginagawa ko dito. She brought me to another room.
"What's all this?"
I roamed around the room, wall painted with clean white, a table at the end of the room. Bahagya akong namangha nang makitang maraming clipped pictures hanging in the air just right above the table. they look like they're taken with a polaroid.
"Gusto ko kasi yung photography. I mean, hindi pictures ko kundi ng mga lugar na pinupuntahan ko."
Yes, I noticed that they're mostly trees and buildings. Naglakad ako papunta sa dulo ng kwarto, to see the pictures clearly.
"Okay. Are you good?"
I looked back at her and I saw her, removing her pants.
"Hey!"
I yelled out of shock. Nagulat rin sya at biglang humarap sa akin. I ran out of the room. Pag labas ko ay sunod sunod na buntong-hininga ang ginawa ko dahil sa nakita ko. Maya maya pa ay kumalma na ako at sya namang labas ng kwarto ni Rosa.
"Okay na."
Ramdam kong nahihiya sya dahil hindi nya ako tiningnan sa mga mata, hindi katulad kanina noong pinuntahan nya ako sa kwarto ko.
"Okay. 1,2,3"
She keeps on posing. Hindi ko alam kung kailan kami matatapos dahil I am not really comfortable taking her photos. I mean, shit. She's so beautiful, and sexy, and hot. As in ibang iba na sa Rosa na umalis. Ibang iba na sya sa Rosa na nakilala ko. Ang simpleng probinsyana na sa tabing dagat nakatira.
"Patingin?"
Mabilis syang lumapit sa akin habang ako naman ay nakatingin lang sa kanya. She smiled as she browses through the photos.
"I think this one's good! What do you think?"
She looked up at me, with a smile on her face. Ako naman ay natauhan bigla at tumango tango na lang.
"Thank you so much for your help."
Bigla syang naging pormal. I feel the tension, a good kind of tension between us.
"Uh, hmm. Uh, would you mind if I use your kitchen?"
She smiled once again.
"No, not at all. Sige lang."
I walked towards the door.
"But what are you planning to do?"
I stopped then turned around to answer her.
"To bake."
I answered. I am so stressed right now. Dahil sa nangyari kagabi sa event, sa muntik mangyari sa amin at sa di ko malamang vibe between us. I know she still loves me, she made that very clear. Pero ako, I don't even know if I still love her. There's just too much hate in my heart. I don't think I can still feel that.
"Yeah! She's good at it and you're gonna love her! She's cool."
Napatingala ako mula sa pag hahalo ng batter nang marinig ko ang boses ni Rosa. I am shocked to my core nang makita ko ang matangkad at gwapong lalaki na naka akbay sa kanya.
Friend huh? Baka friends with benefits.
I whispered to myself habang nakangiting umiiling iling.
"Raine,"
I looked up at them, pretending I never saw them until now.
"Yeah?"
I smiled at her at sa lalaki.
"I want you to meet Mark, he's the friend I told you about."
Pinunas ko ang kamay ko sa apron at nag lahad ng kamay.
"How you've been, Raine."
He smiled at me.
"Oh, I've been good, Mark."
We shook hands then they left me alone in the kitchen. I can see the rain pouring outside the glass window in the kitchen. Pag katapos ko mag bake ay iniwan ko ito sa countertop.
"Hey, it's dinner. Mark cooked. Wanna eat with us?"
I silently groaned then put down the book I am reading at saka tumayo. I'm still human and I still get hungry.
"Oh hey, Raine. Come on let's eat!"
Bati sa akin ni Mark nang makita nya ako papalapit sa table.
"I hope you guys like it."
Nakakunot ang noo ko nang mapansin ko si Mark.
"Are you topless? While wearing that apron?"
He nodded with a smile. He is unbelievable. It's freezing outside. He's lucky Rosa has a heater all over her place.
"Come on let's eat."
Aya ni Rosa kay Mark. Mabilis nyang hinubad ang apron nya at sinuot ang tank top nya na nakasabit sa upuan nya. I can't really tell kung nag kkwentuhan lang ba sila o naglalandian. Mukhang napaka saya naman pala ni Rosa. Naghintay ba sya sa akin talaga?
"Hahahah! Yeah! I remember her! She is so kind! She gave me a watch last Christmas."
Nakakabwisit ang tawa nitong babaeng to ah. I took the glass of water at mabilis na ininom ito sa sobrang inis ko.
"Really? Me too. I miss working with that woman. We should call her later."
I rolled my eyes sa sinabi ni Mark. Such a me-tooer! Napatingin sa akin bigla si Rosa habang hinahawi ang buhok nya. She looked down on my plate.
"Raine, eat up. Marami pa oh." Rice? Do you want more rice?"
She took the rice bowl and took it to my plate.
"No. I'm full"
Maikling sagot ko. Ayokong makaistorbo sa harutan nilang dalawa.
"Raine, how about you? Where were you last Christmas?"
Napatingin sa akin si Rosa. I smirked at binitawan ang hawak kong spoon. Looked at Mark with sarcasm and said;
"I was just released from jail a few hours before Christmas eve."
I saw the shock in Rosa's eyes.
"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know that. I didn't mean to--"
"--it's okay. I got released, and now a free woman. Right?"
I smiled, but I tried to hide the sarcasm.
"Yeah. Good for you, man."
Bago pa man magkaroon ng panibagong harutan sa harap ko ay tumayo na ako at nagpaalam sa kanila. Bumalik ako sa kwarto at tumayo sa harap ng bintana. Tumila man ang ulan ay hindi parin maikakaila ang lamig ng simoy ng hangin. But I didn't care. I took my cigarette from my pants last night at nag sindi ng isa. I looked up at the empty dark sky.
I wonder where I could have been kung hindi ako nakulong. I wonder and wonder and wonder, sa mga bagay na tapos na kahit hindi pa nangyayari.
"Heyyy"
Napalingon ako kay Rosa nang pumasok sya sa kwarto ko. Napakunot ang noo ko nang makita ko syang struggling sa pag lalakad. I even asked myself how long have I been standing there. Ni hindi ko na rin pala namalayang nasunog nalang yung yosi ko.
"Hii"
She leaned in here, and there. Really struggling to come to me. Dahil ang bintana ng kwarto ay nasa left side ng kama. So I'm a little bit far from the door.
Mabilis ko syang sinalo nang muntik na syang madapa dahil sa pag gewang gewang nya. Inalalayan ko syang humiga sa kama.
"You're super drunk, Rosa. You should be in your room."
Sambit ko sakanya habang isinasara ang bintana.
"Noooh I wahnt toooh sleeep here! Beside youh"
I smirked nang marinig ko ang sinabi nya. She's smiling like a fool, looking at me. Umupo ako sa tabi nya.
"Why are you sitting? Lay down--" She tapped the space beside her at umurong para magkaroon ng space. "--here. Lay down with me." I just stared at her. Nang makaramdam sya ng inis dahil hindi ko sya sinusunod ay hinatak nya ako pahiga, pero sa halip na pahiga ay napadapa ako sa kama.
"Okay! Okay! Let me go!"
She laughed so hard nang makita nyang napadapa ako sa kama. I think she smelled victory nang marinig nya ang sinabi ko. Umayos ako at humiga sa tabi nya. I'm slightly over her head, dahil sya walang unan, ako ay nakahiga sa mga pillows. She took my right arm and wrapped it over her shoulder. Inunan nya ang arm ko then hugged me. Silence is all I can hear. I think she's already asleep. I tried to look down para malaman kung tulog na sya.
"Raine?"
I laid my head back to the pillows.
"Yeah?"
That is a faint voice. So I cleared my voice.
"Will you be my Raine tonight, and just cuddle with me?"
My heart started beating so fast when I heard her ask me that question. I took a deep breath bago nag salita.
"Okay."
She hugged me tighter. I felt her warmth and longing. My body started to recognize this kind of embrace, that she alone can provide.
"Why didn't you come?"
I looked down on her. Trying to think if I'm gonna ask what she's saying or keep myself shut.
"I sent you that message. I pretended to be Leslie using her phone. I told you, that I wanted to fix it. I asked you to come. But you didn't. You never came."
I can hear resent in her voice. I just kept listening.
"I waited for you to come, until the last minute."
I took a deep breath. I felt like we were in different dimensions that day. We never crossed paths. I hugged her tighter. Now I can hear her sob.
"Now you're coming here, with your ex. You never even looked for me! Did you even love me?"
Tanong nya. I hugged her as tight as I can. I caressed her head, just to help her calm down. Umiyak lang sya ng umiyak hanggang sa nakatulog na sya. Feeling really guilty again, for not feeling like crying. I slowly removed her arm that's wrapped around my core. I slid down to her level and stared at her. I reached for her face and lightly caressed her cheek with my thumb.
"Do you think we can go back? To how we used to live, to laugh, to care about each other. Do you think, we can go back to how we used to love? If you do, Rosa please pray for me. Pray that someday, I will be able to love again. I know I love you, I just want to feel it again. So please, bear with me for now. I am a wounded, paralyzed human being. A work in progress. Here I am beside you, but this Lorraine in front of you, doesn't deserve you, yet."
I whispered to her. I noticed a drop of tear that is about to fall down her nose bridge so I wiped it with my thumb, and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead.