Chapter 41: Warning (Emma's POV)
The next 2 weeks flew by and before we knew it, Nathan was all settled into his apartment, I was going over on some days, he was coming over on others. We worked our way up after the argument that we had. And everything was great. So great.
But suddenly, out of the blue, he's started acting sort of distant. I don't know what's going on with him but I haven't questioned anything because I don't want to upset or anger him. We're all currently at Nathan's apartment having a game/movie night and currently, Nathan is in the kitchen teaching Kendall how to make pasta because, wow, she doesn't know how to make pasta.
"Why does it look like that?" she asked.
"That's what pasta looks like, Kendall, stop asking me that!" Nathan groaned.
I bit back a laugh and continued looking for a movie. Brandon sat down beside me and snatched the remote, taking over for me. I eyed Nathan for a minute, then turned to Brandon. "Can I ask you something?"
"Go ahead."
"What's been up with Nathan lately? Why is he acting off?"
He stopped looking for a movie and turned to me, seeming confused. "What are you talking about?"
"He's acting weird. He's not really showing any affection. Which is weird for him, he's always being touchy and lovey-dovey but it's been off lately. Anything I should know of?"
He hesitated, looking back and forth between Nathan and me. "It's Chloe's death anniversary tomorrow," he mumbled, lowering his voice. I stared at him, not knowing what to say. "He's probably off because of that. The memory hits him harder on that day. Just... take care of him."
"So, is he really busy tomorrow or just avoiding people?"
"He avoids everyone on this date," he rolled his eyes.
"You don't seem to talk very nicely of Chloe," I stated.
"Yeah, I don't. Cause she was a fucking bitch."
"Whoa, okay," I said, looking at him in disbelief.
He looked at me weirdly, "Dude, no. What the hell? You can't tell me you like her from what you've heard." His brows furrowed.
"No, I don't. But I... oh well," I shrugged.
"She got Nathan into all the wrong things with all the wrong people. She's the reason he was the way he was when you came. Smoking, drinking, stumbling around drunk every night..." He shook his head, seeming disappointed in his friend. "I just wish she didn't do all that to him before she died, you know? It's sad that she died like that, I guess. But like... he was drinking for her at parties so her friends thought he was cool enough for her. So he matched their level. He didn't smoke until she died. And he only started because he thought people wouldn't accuse him as much of killing her."
I didn't even know people did that.
"If one way or another, she wasn't taken out of his life, she was on a path to ruining herself and she was gonna take Nathan down too."
"He said she wasn't listening to anyone when people told her to stop," I said.
"Yeah, but it's not like he was either. Everyone tried so hard. We all told him to leave her. To stay away from her and her friends, but he was so hell-bent on saving her. He still saw her as his best friend. He didn't see how toxic she was getting for him. You should ask him, Emma. To tell you every single thing. Do it tonight. While he's still sober," he mumbled quickly as Nathan and Kendall came and took their seats. "Take it as a warning, with a pinch of salt," he shrugged. "A warning?" Nathan asked in confusion.
"A warning because we're watching a horror movie," Brandon lied, picking a horror movie and clicking play.
I've only got tonight to ask him about what happened.
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We were both lying awake in his bed. It's nearly 1 AM and I'm about to ask him. I'm gonna ask him to tell me everything. "Nathan?" I mumbled.
"Yeah, babe?"
"I've been meaning to ask you something."
"What's going on?"
I cleared my throat, "You've been acting a little off lately. I was just wondering why, I mean is uh, is something coming up?"
He hesitated. I could feel his eyes on me even in the dark. "Tomorrow is um, it's Chloe's death anniversary. It's the date that the accident happened," he revealed.
"How did it happen, Nathan? Will you tell me?" One beat of silence went by. Then two. And then three. It was three beats before he spoke up.
"It was in sophomore year. We were uh, we were supposed to go to this party, but we were just 16. And I was only driving on a learner's license, which meant I was only allowed to drive under adult supervision. And I told her 'I don't think we should go' I told her again and again, but she really wanted to go," he paused.
"She always hated parties. Before she changed for the worse. But she really wanted to go for this one. And I told her 'we don't have a ride and I can't drive yet' but she said that I can even if it's just with my learners. And she somehow managed to convince me to drive. So, I drove us there and when we got there, I told her I wasn't going to drink because if I did, I wouldn't be able to drive us back and she said that was okay."
More silence.
"When we got to the party, she made me drink. Not just her, everyone there made me drink because they just had to see me drunk. So, I got drunk." I could hear his voice wavering from the back of his throat and suddenly, I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to be the person making him talk about the memory he tried so hard to forget.
"Nathan, you don't have to..." I mumbled.
He sat up slowly, pulling his bedside lamp on. I sat up beside him, grabbing his hand. "Just let me tell you, please," he cleared his throat. "When we were leaving, I told her I can't drive. I wasn't wasted, just tipsy, but I did not want to drive with alcohol in my system. No one else was driving us, it was late. She said we didn't have another way, she said I had to drive. So, I drove, God, why did I drive?" he groaned, asking himself the question.
I stared down at our hands, realizing how unprepared I was to hear this. "What happened?" I whispered.
"I drove," he scoffed. "And it was fine for the most part. The whole time, I didn't even look at her, I kept my eyes on the road, I barely blinked. I couldn't let anything happen to her or myself. But she just fucking kept distracting me," he spat angrily. "She was touching my arm, she was whining in my ear, she was tugging at my shirt, and I looked away from the road for one second. For one fucking second.
Just to tell her to stop because what she was doing was really dangerous. And in that one second... there were these headlights, there was this other car, and I don't even know how or when it happened, but we had a crash. It was so fucking scary, our car flipped over, I heard her scream, I was panicking. I just... closed my eyes, and I didn't open them until everything was still and it was absolutely silent."
I had no idea what to say to him. What was I supposed to say to him? I know I hate her and I hate what she did to him and the state she left him in. But I guess I didn't really think about what Nathan went through in the process. I didn't think about how scared he must have been.
"What happened when you opened your eyes?" I asked, my voice barely making it out of my throat.
"She was passed out. I mean I think she was passed out. The car was flipped over, there were shards of glass everywhere, I was bleeding straight from my head, so was she. Everything hurt. It hurt a lot," he nodded.
"I tried waking her up, but she wasn't waking up and we were both locked in from our seatbelts. So, I grabbed my phone and I called 911. I told them we were in a crash, we're still in the car, it's flipped over, I told them my girlfriend wasn't responding, I told them I was scared. They said someone would be right there and the operator stayed on the line with me. When the cops got there with an ambulance, they got me out first, then Chloe, and they rushed us to the hospital straight away," he shook his head, leaning it back against the headboard.
"What about the other driver?" I questioned, giving his hand a squeeze.
"That guy was drunk. He was wasted and he got hurt pretty bad too. In the hospital, they took her to one room, me to another. We went into emergency, I had a major concussion, a broken wrist, a fractured rib, and a broken ankle. So, they worked on me and I couldn't go to sleep because of the concussion. They wouldn't tell me anything about her until the next morning. When I woke up the next day, her parents came to see me. So, naturally, I asked them 'how is she?' and her mother lost her shit," he scoffed.
I'm really angry just hearing that. I can't believe Chloe's parents blamed him. We both stayed silent, gathering our thoughts for a moment.
"Her mom started yelling at me, she started crying, she was trying to hit me, and people were holding her back. And they took her out of the room and the last thing she said was 'you killed my daughter.'"
"Nathan..." I whispered, clutching onto his arm.
"When Brandon came to see me, he was the only person I agreed to talk to. And I asked him 'did she die?' and he told me yes. And then I asked, 'did I kill her?' and he said no," he hesitated. "He said it wasn't my fault, it was the other guy, he said at least she had a chance, which she wouldn't have had if I didn't call 911 in time. I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep without medication, I was dying inside," he said, sounding like he was in physical pain.
"And I didn't cry. Not until the day I left the hospital. Her funeral was already done, I didn't get to see her body or anything. Her family wouldn't see me, I wasn't allowed to visit her grave. I took a lot of time to heal. It was a lot of resting and physical therapy. And after that, I went back to school, which just made everything ten times worse."
"Nathan, I'm so sorry..." I whispered.
"Everyone knew what happened, everyone said it was my fault, they said I should go to jail, they said I killed her. Somehow, my dad found a lawyer who was able to prove that even though I had alcohol in my system, I wasn't at fault and I didn't have to do anything except some community service after I was healed and paid a fine. I got a DUI." He ran his hand over his face, shaking his head in disbelief.
"And then once I was fine, I stopped driving, I started smoking, I couldn't be given any medication because I couldn't be trusted with it. I could mix it with alcohol, I could overdose, so I got nothing to ease the pain. Eventually, people forgot about it. I didn't, but people did," he shrugged.
"And then I started changing. And Brandon tried so hard to get me to stop smoking, stop drinking. I started fighting with my dad, I started staying out for days. I never even looked at a girl that way since her. I was so scared of how I would hurt them, that I thought it's better to be alone," he said, his voice softening with each word.
I waited and gave him a minute before asking cautiously, "And then?" I wasn't gonna make him tell me more if he didn't want to. But looking at him, it seemed like he was finally telling someone how he's felt for all these years. He's venting it all out.
"And then you came along, Emma," he chuckled. "You know, when I was with Chloe, I liked myself a lot. I liked the person I would become for her. And that's what happened with you. I started changing myself to please you and I liked who I was starting to become. Because it made you happy and that... made me happy. But now... even though you're so different from Chloe and I like you. I don't like you because of the way you make me feel, I like you because you're you. And you just happen to change me for the better.
But now that I feel this way for you... I'm scared of what's going to happen. And I start thinking about the past and what happened with Chloe and in my head, especially when I'm intoxicated, I can't tell the difference. Because you love me, and she said she loved me, and now I can't tell who I love more."
I felt my heart stop and the air leaves my lungs when he said that. He wasn't even looking at me. It was like he couldn't. I heard him sniffle before he rubbed his nose.
He's crying.
"But I think I want it to be you, Emma." He turned to me, his eyes bloodshot and glassy.
"Why me? Why not her?"
"Because you love me in a way she never did. And you change me for the better. She changed me for the worse. You're good for me and you're good to me. And I know that's incredibly selfish, that's such a selfish reason for me to love you. But I love you because you're you. You just happen to be good for me. She was killing me until I killed her."
"You didn't kill her, Nathan. I promise you, that wasn't your fault," I shook my head.
He mumbled something but I didn't hear it. I was a little more focused on the way he was kissing me.
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Chapter 41
THIS WAS SO FREAKING LONG
I didn't want to leave it at a cliffhanger, I just wanted to finally put out the truth in one chapter and now you've got it.
I think the next chapter is fitted to be the last. I was gonna make them break up but that would make this book SO FREAKING LONG and also they went through so much to get to where they are, it felt wrong writing and making them break up.
One more chapter, you guys.
It's probably an epilogue type thing like not years down the line when they're married n stuff just a little later.