Ghost Bird The Academy: Jameson Addition.

Friend Zone? Maybe?

"I over analyze situations because I'm scared of what will happen if not prepared for it."

James groaned shifting in her spot, she snuggled into the warmth and the sweet smell of oranges that was near her.

She moved slightly only to blush stiffening up from her relaxed position.

"Gabe," she mumbled earning a small whine from the boy. "Gabe!"

"Eh- what?"

"Think of grandmas in thongs-" James said wiggling in her position. Gabe quickly sat up his face a bright red.

"Fuck rebel- it's morning I-"

"I know dingus," James rolled her eyes even though her face was on fire too. She grabbed the pillow pulling it into her, "lay back down just-"

"Got it," Gabe's voice was thick still filled with sleep. He shifted slightly his head coming to rest on her shoulder.

James sucked in a calm breath. It was natural of males to get...morning wood she shouldn't be so freaked out by it.

It was normal.

But then she thought of him and how he always forced her to-

James swallowed closing her eyes. She knew this was an awkward position for Gabe and she didn't want to make him more comfortable then he already is.

"So I'm guessing you were happy to see me-"

"Shut it, James," he groaned his voice thick and he karate chopped her in the neck. "I can't stand you-"

"Something can-"

"James!"

She let out a small laugh a yawn escaping her lips. She carefully turned towards him letting her fingers brush under his eyes. His face was still slightly puffy with tears from the night before.

James was sure hers wasn't much better.

"I'm telling the others I go to therapy," James said firmly, Gabe eyed her carefully.

"As long as your comfortable with it-"

"I am." James breathed out, "I think I wanted to get into it first before I brought it up. Maybe thought I was going to mess it up somehow but, I'm going to tell them."

Gabe smiled nodding his head. "Sounds like you got your mind made up."

James let a small smile come to her face, "I mean you already know that I'm crazy what's a little more-"

"You're not crazy James-"

James snorted, "I am but...I don't think that has to be a bad thing? Does it?" She bit her lip the thought of her father crossing her mind.

Maybe a couple of weeks ago it would have been a bad thing, simply because she was letting her crazy control her whole life...

Now though? She was accepting it as her reality and trying to...lesson some of her crazy.

"No, it doesn't always have to be." Gabe agreed, "I mean unless you come in guns a blazing starting a fire in our kitchen-"

"Shut it!" She exclaimed a loud laugh escaping her lips.

"Yuck your breathe stinks-"

That made James laugh even harder shoving his shoulder. "Look who's talking!"

Gabe stuck out his tongue going crossed eyed, he suddenly sat up a bright smile crossing his lips. "Come on beautiful!"

James groaned, "but cuddles!"

"I promise you they'll be more cuddles today!"

James hides a smile as she stood keeping the blanket wrapped firmly around her. She blushed slightly when she realized Gabe was still in a tank top and underwear and god did he look good.

He was leaner out of the guys but his muscles still showed, his hair was mused falling into his face his eyes bright.

"Checking me out rebel?" He questioned playing with his lip ring.

She wondered how that would feel against her lips.

"How could I not check out your beauty dreamboat?"

Suddenly Gabe flushed a bright red the two of them sharing a long glance.

"Mutual feelings here reb," he muttered.

"I have to pee!" She exclaimed skipping to the bathroom. Maybe it would give her time to calm her racing heart.

She pulled out her phone taking a selfie of her pouting.

James: Gabe has denied me of the cuddles.

She quickly sent it to the group chat with a crying emoji. A small smile crossing her face.

Luke: I would give you all the snuggles in the world!

Nathan: Lame Gabe you can't deny our girl her snuggles she'll never let you live it down.

Kota: Even I know better than to say no to James.

James let out a snort.

"Oy your so funny aren't you Jameson!" Gabe shouted from down the hall. She let out a cackle her head tilting back. She thoroughly enjoyed messing with her boys.

She paused slightly her heart coming to a stop.

Her boy's. She bit her lip, when did it change? When did it go from friends to...family? No. She was alone.

She didn't have a family.

Her family was dead.

Gone.

No coming back.

But...the boy's and Sang. Her sweet girl and beautiful boys...

They were more then just friends and she'd be lying if she said otherwise. Not even in a romantic sense-although, she was still coming to terms with those feelings.

But...she had started seeing them as more then just friends. The protectiveness she felt for them, the ever-growing fondness. Part of the team.

She hummed slightly taking a seat on the toilet. Holy shit.

She hadn't cared for anyone this strongly since her dad. Even Cecelia she always held the women at arm's length as much as she tried to push through to James.

James could never fully trust her enough to let the women in.

Something was different about the others though. The connection and affection she felt for them...The undeniable trust she had for them. So many times she had found herself wanting to spill her guts out.

There would always be a part of her that kept that shut but...with the other's...it lessoned. She hadn't wanted to share anything with anybody in...a long time.

With them though...she liked it when they asked about her day as strange as it was. An she grew fond of the moments where they talked about movies...or-

She shook her head taking a breath.

She cared about them so fucking much.

She shouldn't be surprised that she thought of them as her boys she just-she didn't know what to do about these feelings. Because one part of her wanted to go out there and kiss away all of Gabriel's bad thoughts and insecurities.

The other part of her though? The risk of being turned away and losing them. It wasn't worth it. A part of her was starting to realize that they all were helping each other. They needed her...like she needed them. An if she were to make a move and it didn't turn out.

It would tear the team apart.

James wasn't willing to take that risk.

So she came to one conclusion. Maybe...maybe they needed to set more boundaries...She needed to get this back to just friends.

Because hell it just wasn't logical...even if she wanted to be in a relationship with them all how could she expect them to all agree? About Sang and her self. About wanting the boys and each other.

Even if a couple of them agreed there would be no guarantee that they were all interested. An as much as she loved there snuggles and handholds...maybe...she was holding them back.

It wasn't fair of her to throw herself at them like a slut-She squeezed her eyes shut. Whatever feelings she had to push away. She would rather know she could always have them in her life rather than spend a lifetime without them.

She would have to talk to Sang.

See...see the other girl's thoughts. She quickly used the bathroom washing off her hands and turning to leave. She titled her head hearing Gabe's voice from the bedroom she perked up slightly when she heard Sean's as well.

"Hotshot!" She exclaimed brightly she moved to rush towards him wanting to give him a large hug but refrained...boundaries.

Sean turned to her a large grin crossing his lips. "You know if you wanted cuddles you should have slept with me-"

"Shut it doc!" Gabe responded playfully although both boys were giving her a curious glance.

James gave a small smile, "Nah it's cool I uh-" she had to stop herself from pouting. "I don't need cuddles. Gotta get up and at it at some point."

Sean raised an eyebrow, "You? Not wanting cuddles at all?" He moved towards her his head turning to look out the hallway.

"What are you doing?" James questioned turning to Gabe who was looking just as confused.

"Looking for the real James you must be Owen taking over her body!" Sean exclaimed his curls bouncing.

James rolled her eyes, "Like Ow-Mr. B doesn't enjoy cuddles!"

"Mr. B?" They both repeated turning to the redhead with wide eyes.

"As in Mr. Blackbourne? I've heard you call the man every other name on earth but Mr. B!" Gabe said sounding distraught. "Did you hit your head in that bathroom?"

"Where's the flavor?" Sean questioned poking her cheek. "I've heard you call that man princess before calling him by his last name."

"Now you two are being dramatic it's not a big deal-"

"My personal favorite was honey butter biscuit," Gabe turned commenting to Sean.

"I thought Loverboy was nice," Sean smiled.

"Toots!"

"Snookums," Sean added.

"Babylicious totally beats snookums." Gabe snapped his fingers. "Sugar smacks was close though."

Sean huffed, "Bubble butt was a keeper, and not wrong-"

"Please don't keep talking about Mr. B's ass-"

"I'm just saying," Sean raised his hands in defeat winking at James. An normally...normally she would comment back.

Now though?

She didn't want to...lead them on. The teasing, the flirting. She shouldn't-

"Your such a fucking tease Jameson," He growled his eyes dark as he rubbed at his face. "It's like you want to be a slut. I guess mother takes after daughter though doesn't she?"

"Shut up!" James couldn't help but snap earning a shocked look from him. "I told you that in confidence when I thought we were friends my family my life it's not some twisted-"

She grunted a sharp pain shooting through her as he grabbed her neck lifting her up, she clawed at his hands squeezing her eyes shut as his face grew closer. "We were friends? You don't want to be my friend anymore?"

James was shaking trying to gasp for air, spit flew at her face as he started yelling at her. She couldn't breath couldn't answer his stupid questions.

That's when it clicked.

She didn't want to be his friend anymore.

She didn't want to be anything anymore.

She felt numb.

She stopped clawing at his hands letting her own fall by her side. Death. The thought of dying would be better than any of-

Suddenly it all made sense. James let a tear fall down her face. She didn't want to be anymore.

The hands let go of her his voice turned soft as he started petting her hair. James couldn't help the large gasp for air and instead of focusing on his back and forth behavior she couldn't help but wonder...she couldn't help but wish that he had just left her for dead.

"Owie suga is so not better then-" Gabe's voice was loud complaining as he spoke breaking James out of her head. She tilted towards them her hand coming to brush at her neck.

People who get close see the ugly.

Would they really want to accept hers?

"Firefly?" Sean questioned. James blinked smiling at him, and giving a thumbs up. For a moment all the air had left her again. His hands the pressure could still be felt firmly against her throat. She hated that he had that power over her.

"Rebel?" Gabe asked too.

"What? Don't be dramatic guys what's in a name?" She questioned, "Now why did you wake me up so early?"

Gabe hesitated for a moment before shaking his head, "I was thinking we could start fixing up your room." He grabbed her hand pulling her into the room.

James couldn't help but let her eyes flicker down following the gesture. She loved touching them, she didn't realize how much she grew to enjoy there touches. How easy it had become to pull them into a hug or grab there hand.

How quick she came to realize that she was starting to feel apart of there group...

She blew out a breath, "My room?" she moved into the bedroom eyeing it. Sean and Owen had given her a room in Sean's apartment.

After everything that happened to her own room...

"It's already done isn't it?" She questioned confused there was a bed and dressers and gosh it still made her head hurt to think about.

"Done?" Gabe gasped sounding much too offended. "This was the guest room, we have a shit ton of work to do! Colors, bedsheets, clothes, what posters do you want? Do you like yellow or-"

"Slow down Gabe," Sean smiled setting a hand on the shorter boy's shoulder. "We gotta ease into it-"

"I don't need anything," James blurted getting both of there attention. "I...this is perfect. I...this is the biggest room I've ever had actually. An I even have a bed! I don't need anything more!"

She still felt guilty about the pillows Victor had boughten her, those two had been torn by Beatrice when the women brought her room to shreds.

The boy's frowned Sean titled his head.

"You've got to decorate! This room doesn't scream James at all!" Gabe shook his head. "It's yours you can do anything-"

"I have everything I need," James smiled moving to sit on the bed grabbing a pillow. "But...I mean we could paint the walls pink? Sang likes that and I figured well we could share it-"

Both boys snorted.

Sean shook his head, "Firefly, we've got a surprise for Sang. This room however is all yours." He insisted moving to sit next to her on the bed. "What would you like?"

James huffed her lips moving in a firm line.

The boy's shared a look before Gabe nodded. "Well how about we paint it? This grey is not it!" He exclaimed.

James twisted her lips, she liked the grey it reminded her of Owe-Mr. Blackbourne. She figured Gabe wouldn't give up though...

"Alright," She finally agreed. She glanced down to her phone through a warmth running through her when she saw Sang was calling. "Um-I just want to answer this."

"Of course," Sean smiled patting her thigh.

She blushed getting up and moving out of the room the boy's soft whispers following behind her. She moved back into the bathroom wanting some privacy as she spoke.

"Hi, sunshine how are you feeling? Did you get rest yesterday? Should you be talking? Should I text you instead? You should probably be resting your throat-"

"I'm fine scarlet," Sang's voice was slightly croaky and much softer, the blonde looked more rested then she had before though so that was better. "Promise."

"I don't like promises,"

Sang frowned biting her lip, James cursed herself for speaking she should have left it.

"Your feeling okay?"

"Yeah, my um dad's back in town."

James's eyes widened at that, Sang hadn't talked much about her dad. Truthfully she didn't know to much about him. Expect that the man was a neglectful piece of shit.

"He's keeping to my mom...Oh, and Marie decided to exchange some of my clothes." The blonde looked saddened by this making James's heart hurt. "Her and Danielle exchanged them? Traded. is it bad that I'm-"

"Annoyed?" James scoffed, "No. What a bitch-"

"I just...I thought things were getting better but she didn't even care that I was 'sick'. Didn't even notice the bandages on my arms and wrists." Sang let a tear slip down her face the girl quickly going to whip it off. "I'm sorry I don't mean to cry I just-"

"Sang. Please don't apologize for being upset. You've had so much going on this weekend it's no wonder your overwhelmed," She spoke softly to the blonde hating to see the pain in the girl's eyes. "Family should care for you, should look out for you, want what's best for you-"

"Your's doesn't. Mines complicated... the boy's-Kota has Erica and Jessica but-I just. If a family is supposed to do that why do we keep getting the short end of the stick?" Sang questioned her lip wobbling. "I'm sorry I know you've had it worse than me I shouldn't be-"

"It's not a contest, who has the worse trauma. You deserve to have all the good things in life Sang and I wish I could tell you why bad things happen. But I can't. Because they just do. One thing I've learned is how to react to them," James said softly, "to take what you've got and if you don't like it...well I'm starting to learn you can change it. Your family sucks, so do mine. Who needs them? We've got each other."

And nine beautiful men who've weaved a special path in her heart.

"We can choose our family?"

"Who's going to stop us?" James questioned tilting her head, "Now please pick your chin up sweetheart, I hate to see you with a frown."

"Can the guy's be our family?" Sang questioned sounding all too serious some of the tears leaving her eyes. "Is that what we are?"

"I don't know what we are," James whispered her throat going dry as she moved to sit on the ground bringing her knees up her phone resting on them.

"I really like you James, and I really like them," Sang said quietly silent tears escaping her eyes. The green looking all to bright, "I don't think I would have been able to function with what happened with my mom if it weren't for you all."

James understood the feeling completely, "I don't think I could have made it through a lot without you guys...Sang...it scares me." She admitted feeling some tears come to her own eyes. "I don't think...I don't think we can ever be more."

"What if It was amazing? What if we all could be-" the blonde trailed off eyes hopeful, "I've never felt...any of this before but the way I feel for you all-"

"What if it destroys us? What if it ruins everything we have?" James questioned. "I like having a family..."

Sang eyed her for a long moment, going silent on her end of the phone. "I'll never leave you...an I don't think the other's will either."

"No one can promise that though can they?" James said softly feeling slightly defeated. Its why she needed to pull away if by chance any of the feelings she felt were mutual...she didn't want to lead anyone on.

"No, I suppose not," Sang replied a frown on her face.

"Sorry I always manage to make everything depressing don't I?" James shook her head, she would end up ruining them all she was toxic.

"James your not-you didn't make it depressing you have fears. I'm glad your talking to me. You should talk about your fears and worries and what's stressing you out-"

Should she though? What happened when they got annoyed by her endless thoughts?

"Maybe," James said back earning a sad look from the other girl.

"Maybe we...should talk to the others?" Sang said, "I enjoy...I can't think of not trying anything more with you- with them. But...I also understand where your coming from..."

"So we're still on the same page," James let out a laugh, "you want to talk to them and I'm...not ready."

"I just...I don't think it's as one-sided as you've made it out to be. I talked a little bit too Kota-"

"You've talked to Kota?" James felt her eyed widened her heart started racing.

"This was before our kiss!" Sang whisper shouted making James's shoulder relax.

"What did Kota say?" James licked her lips, was she thinking to into this? Could the others actually feel the same things her and Sang were feeling?

"We should talk. The three of us together." Sang finally settled on leaving James with a tight feeling in her chest. "It's not bad James."

"I don't like the unknown, and I don't know- I don't want to hurt anyone."

Sang's eyes softened, "me either scarlet."

James bit her lip shaking her head, "let's put a pin in this... you're doing okay?"

"Well you've texted me enough to ask," Sang teases. "I'm okay. I um, well I'm sore. I think I cracked my tail bone when I fell off the stool-"

James went to reprimand her when she realized how hypocritical that would be. Suddenly her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest.

The idea of Sang hiding injures- Jesus is this how they felt about James?

The same thoughts she got knowing Gabe hurt himself?

James thought of her hidden bruises, the drowning from her stepmother... how could she tell Sang to speak up when she was hiding her own demons?

"Do you want me to put Sean on the phone? I think a tale bone heals like your ankle." James commented.

"I told Kota, and I spoke to Dr. Green early I just wanted to let you know. Kota and Nathan kept telling me how friends are honest with each other and well- I remember our conversation that first time after the mall," Sang was rambling her hand moving. "I just, we don't hide things you said. And if we can't talk about it then say that instead of-"

James couldn't help but tune the other girl out slightly feeling the panic in her chest rise.

How would they feel when they realized she had lied? Had hidden things from them?

James swallowed thickly.

Some things you told in your own time but...there were some things James never wanted to share.

"James? Are you mad I didn't say anything yesterday?"

"No," James swallowed, "I'm not mad at you."

She brought her hand across her shoulder her nails digging into the skin. She was mad at herself. Somehow her life of pretending things were fine became so much harder with friends in her life.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm not mad at you sunshine," James repeated, she rubbed her chest slightly trying to lesson some of the tightness. "Do you need anything? I can-"

"I'm alright, Kota's asked for me too keep it mellow. Dr. Green too, so I'm spending the day with North. I hope he doesn't get too bored of me..."

"How could anyone get bored of you?" James asked seriously, Sang was...Sang.

"Your too sweet too me."

"But of course." James winked. "Go have fun, don't miss me too much.

"I always miss you," Sang said seriously making James blush brighter. Sang didn't even realize how freaking sweet she could be. The girl was always so genuine too it never failed to make James's heart burst.

"I always miss you too sunshine," James whispered saying a soft goodbye before hanging up let. She sat back bringing her knees further up to her chest.

The ongoing thoughts of panic hitting her. She tried to get it to stop but she couldn't find something to focus on.

Silas had told her about the consequences of her actions and she couldn't help but to wonder how upset they would all be with her if they ever found out about what Beatrice did. Especially considering Owe-Mr. Blackbourne wanted to pull her out.

She stuck her head between her knees taking in deep breathes.

She wanted Victor's singing. Silas's warm joke's, Sean's soothing words.

Was it really just weeks ago that she used to handle this by herself? When she would have an attack and brush it under the rug, get a couple of hours of sleep then call it a day. When it used to be so easy for her to hide her feelings?

Now it seemed with one glance they could read her thoughts and fears.

When did she start opening herself back up again?

She took in a shaky breath, she opened her mouth to call out for Sean and Gabe only to pause.

When did she start relying on them so much?

"Don't be so dramatic," He called causally his dark eyes following her movements.

James had a razor to her arm and was slicing through her wrists like they were butter. Her hands were shaking her movements rapid, she knew she got a couple of them two deep. She didn't stop though. She didn't want too.

"Are you really that upset? Jesus always with that razor, don't you ever want to be normal?" Yet he made no moves to stop her. Just like always he would sit and watch. At first, he came with silence...But then he started assuring her worries.

An suddenly her thoughts and fears became a reality.

"Yes."

He paused his ranting glancing up at her, "Yes you want to be normal?" He mocked his voice causing her to lose her grip. He moved over closer to the sink hopping up on it and sitting at the counter. He let out a whistle giving her a long once over. "You could never want to know why?"

James tilted her head down not being able to take his stare.

"No one would ever want to deal with you and your issues. No one would understand them. No one but me," He moved tilting her chin up. "You know why I tell you these things, right kid?"

"Its the sad reality of life, and hope-"

"Is for suckers." He finished with a smile coming onto his lips. He carefully picked back up the razor now off of the counter. He handed it to her his head tilted, "Now you gonna tell me why you're being so dramatic, I mean god you've gotten blood all over you know you have to clean it up-"

James stopped listening as he ranted letting her eyes following the blood. Some relief washing over her at the sight. She took her razor spinning it in her fingers slightly before making a new row of marks.

James's breathing slowed the moment she gripped at her wrist. Her nails digging into her sink a slight pain starting underneath them. The cuts she had made had been from a week ago, Sean still made sure to clean them up for her.

Her mind wandered thinking about how easy it would be too take a razor now and-

No.

She took her thumb pushing down on the slice in her palm. That had been from the cut at the bar when she dropped the glass. Neither movement brought back that familiar sting that cutting did.

She moved her hands to her stomach pushing on the bruises to feel some type of pain. She let out a small gasp. Those had been from the fight. Getting thrown over the balcony...

God everything was mixing into her days and suddenly she was just feeling so tired.

She let go of her stomach a rush of guilt washing over her.

There was a big difference between him and her boys.

He wanted to destroy her.

They wanted to build her up.

Maybe relying on them didn't have to be a bad thing. She rubbed at her chest trying to shake away her nerves. To get rid of the endless panic she always seemed to feel.

James's thoughts were a whirlwind and suddenly she couldn't decipher what was good and what was bad.

Years of manipulation and lies we're eating at her.

It reminded her again of why she stuck to being alone.

She could barley analyze herself let alone others and their thoughts. What was a girl supposed to do? Did the guys mind her touching and neediness? Or did they think she was too much?

Was she being a slut or was this how friends acted?

She had to be a slut. Because friends didn't want to kiss there other friends.

Fuck.

As much as she loved kissing Sang it had been easier before they made that move. She barely had time to figure out her own thoughts let alone try and work on a relationship.

An as much as that was true why was her heart still beating every time the blonde walked into the room. Every time she saw one of them smile.

This isn't something she can avoid...not for long at least.

A knock at the door startled her, "one second!" She called quickly standing up and turning on the water splashing it into her face.

She suddenly looked so much paler, the aftermath of her attack was finally hitting her. She didn't know how long she had been in the bathroom.

She shook her head moving to the door but even that was exhausting. Her limbs were heavy and she just wanted to curl up into a ball.

"Theo mou!" Silas exclaimed a wide smile on his lips he scooped her into a hug and she sinks into him her arms wrapping around his waist. "Morning beautiful we brought food!"

James however didn't speak instead she moved further into him letting her face nuzzle his shoulder. Her hands tightening around his waist trying to hide some of the shakiness they held.

"Theo mou?" He questioned his hold tightening on her.

James pulled away smiling at him. Normal friends didn't hug that long.

His hand moved on staying on her waist the other cupping her cheek as he peered down at her. "Hi..."

He frowned his thumb coming brushing against her cheekbones. "What's the matter?" One look and they could tell.

"What a girl can't miss her-buddy?" She questioned twirling out of his arms and hitting his shoulder lightly. Silas tilted his head at her glancing at her curiously.

"Melody!" Victor exclaimed making her jump slightly his hand coming to rest on her shoulder making her take a step forward her hands coming around herself. She had to just fight herself from bringing them to her face. Victor's movement deterred a pained look coming across his face guilt rushing towards his eyes. "James I-"

"Oy!" Gabe called stepping into the hall with Sean.

Too much.

Silas was behind her, Victor lingering a few steps in front of her. And now Sean and Gabe were locking her in. No escape.

"I was thinking we could go get some paints for the walls, we brought the big guns aka Silas to help move the furniture-"

"I'm strong, I could do it myself-" Sean protested.

Gabe hushed him, "then maybe pick up a couple of things for your room. At the very least clothes since the wicked bitch decided to tear through yours-"

"But first food," Sean said kindly his green eyes twinkling, "Then we can worry about the other stuff. Maybe make a day of it-"

"I'm not hungry," James blurted getting the attention of the boy's. Silas was glancing down at her his dark eyes worried, Victor was still looking guilty. She wanted to reach out and hug him but...she didn't know where boundaries were supposed to start and end. She couldn't even analyze Gabe and Sean's glances. "I really don't need anything else for the room. If it's alright I think I might go lay down?"

"Theo mou are you feeling alright?" Silas questioned his hand coming to touch her head. She gave a strained smile.

"I'm fine." Tired.

"James-" Victor started to say sharing a look with Gabe and Sean.

"I'm fine. Truthfully just tired," She said softly, "It's been a long weekend."

"Come on you can lay down in my room," Sean gave the other's a look. James wanted to reach out and hug the boy's but...she didn't instead she gave a small wave before spinning on her heel to Sean's room.

She could feel eyes gazing at her as she went.

She hated herself a little more for pushing them away but...she didn't know what to do anymore.

Boundaries? Overstepping...she was trapped in a maze with no answer key.

                                            🥀

James yawned loudly rubbing at her eyes. She turned her head breathing in spring soap and lavender. She pulled the pillow closer to her body wrapping the blanket tighter around her. God was Sean's bed felt like heaven.

She hadn't realized how tired she was until she had stood up from the bathroom. She just barely remembered seeing Silas and Victor.

She felt bad for ruining Gabe's plan of shopping but she truly had been exhausted.

She let out another yawn turning her head into the pillow. She heard footsteps moving in the hallway stopping right in front of the closed door. Carefully it turned she closed her eyes quickly. One of them opening just slightly.

The steps got slower and she watched as Sean carefully moved next to the bed setting down a glass of water and a bottle of Tylenol. A small smile quirked at her lips.

"Boo," James said making the man jump his hand coming to clutch at his chest.

"Jesus James!" He called taking a step back he let out a loud laugh, as he grinned down at her. "Well good morning sweetheart."

He took a seat on the bed his hand coming to brush some of her hair out of her face. She couldn't help but lean into his touch enjoying the warmth he Brought.

"Hi," James said suddenly feeling shy under his beautiful gaze.

"Hi," Sean said back his lips tilting into a soft smile. "Was...was therapy and everything too much? With everything that's been going on. An I know schools been-"

"No, I just got a little too into my head." James admitted, "and sleep has been...on and off."

Sean hummed, "what do you need from me? Do you want a distraction? Do you want to talk about it? Do you want some space?"

James felt her heart burst some tears springing to her eyes. "I don't know what I need, no ones ever asked me that before." She admitted.

Sean's eyes turned sad, "going from no options to all the options can be-"

"Overwhelming? Stressful? Confusing? Yes." James let her head fall back her eyes closing. "Will you lay with me?"

"Of course," Sean moved to the other side of the bed kicking off his shoes and crawling in so he was next to her. Normally James would roll into his side and snuggle him but...was that okay?

She swallowed as they stayed like that both just glancing at one another, "...can you play with my hair?" She questioned shyly. A tear slipping from her eye, his touch seemed to lessen the pain she felt in her chest, or maybe it distracted her.

Either way, she knew around them she always felt better. She hated being alone.

Sean's large hand came near her face his palm resting on her cheek as his fingers moved through her hair.

"This okay?" He whispered.

James nodded letting out a laugh, "do you guys want to get rid of me yet?"

"Never," he said seriously. "Never could I or we want to get rid of you."

James let out a chuckle, "You say that now-"

"I'll say that forever," Sean picked up her hand gently setting a kiss on it. "Whenever you need to hear it and whenever you don't. I can't imagine life without you in it."

James took in a shaky breath, "It's so hard. Not too long ago I didn't think I'd have a life to live and now-" She closed her eyes not wanting to see the sad look that Sean's held. "Now I've got all these choices and people and I'm just waiting for the moment where I'm gonna fuck it up. Or when you all decide that...I'm not good enough."

"Making mistakes, learning, growing. It's all apart of life. Deciding what's good and bad what's right and wrong. Trying to decipher every moment-sometimes you have to sit back and let things come to you. Maybe we were all meant to find each other. An on the bad day's I hope you'll let yourself come to one of us instead of-"

"I want to live." James cut him off. "I just don't know how."

His finger's brushed against her cheek, "Will show you," he promised, "But no one really knows what there doing. Take it one step at a time. One moment at a time. We just want you to be you, James. Your more than enough."

James let out a sad laugh trying to get rid of the tears, "What about when I mess up-"

"Then will work through it."

"What if it's not enough?"

"We've never had a problem we haven't been able to fix," Sean said, "My team's kinda stubborn."

James let out a small laugh, "I've noticed."

"Ah, you've caught on to that?" He smiled his green eyes twinkling.

"Just a bit." James smirked she bit her lip, "We should probably get up the other's-"

"Are out," Sean interrupted, "I told you whatever you need. We can lay here all day. I can give you some space, if you want the other's to come back we can have them join us. Whatever you want."

James took in a shaky breath, "Are they mad at me."

"No James, not at all. We could all tell you were tired, I think Gabe feels a little bad for pushing shopping. He gets excited and the other's said you don't like it much."

James bit her lip, "I've just never had a reason, it's not like I have a bunch of money and I could only keep so many items in foster homes..."

"Well you can keep whatever you want here," Sean insisted, "Clothes, shoes, art supplies, books."

James brightened, "Oh um I did have a journal North gave it to me I don't want to keep it in my backpack..."

With her luck, Jade would tear through her bag.

"You can leave it here, Kota had saved some of your books from um-"

The mansion.

God. They still hadn't talked about that...The boys didn't want her going back but James? James needed too.

"If you want to bring your things here..." Sean offered, "Most of your clothes didn't make it some of your art supplies Kota saved. The books, they were give and take."

James sighed, "I'll keep what's saved may be keeping them here wouldn't be such a bad thing..." For safety reasons...

"Whatever you want," Sean said softly both of them shared a look. They would have to talk about Beatrice and Lorenzo sooner or later but....they would wait for now. "Are you hungry?"

James's stomach rumbled and she glanced down patting it. "Apparently so!"

"I'm not much of a cook but I do have cereal and bagels!" Sean chirped.

James brightened, "Do you have fruity pebbles?"

"Of course," Sean winked, "I'll make you some-"

"I can come,"

"You can lay down if you want, Breakfast in bed sounds nice?" Sean smiled.

Breakfast in bed? Isn't that what couples do? She blushed. "I think I'm feeling a little more energetic, the nap helped." She yawned loudly sitting up and stretching. She turned to grab the Tylenol and taking a sip of water. Her body felt sore her head was pounding but some of the panic was away from her chest.

Just enough to let her breathe.

Nightmares of her head being shoved underwater were away if only for a moment.

She shot off the bed a grin on her face. She shot a wink at Sean earning a laugh out of him. "The last one to get to the kitchen has to eat the burnt bagel!"

"If we're cooking they'll both be burnt-"

"Shut it hotshot,"

"Talk to me like that I'll do whatever you want."

James blushed running out of the room before he could see. She needed to figure out what the fuck she was doing with these guys.

                                              🌷

Breakfast with Sean was nice.

It took everything in her power not to flirt hardcore with the curly-haired man. She hadn't realized how much of it was in her nature until she tried not too. She could tell Sean noticed but he didn't point it out.

She figured he probably assumed it had to do with her already odd behavior that was going on today.

She huffed.

"The other's are shopping?" James questioned.

Sean nodded handing her a cup of coffee, as he took his own. "Yep, if you like to join we can. Or we can call a lazy day, or we can paint the bedroom-"

James tilted her head, "Paint the bedroom?" She questioned, "it really is fine how you have it. I like it."

"The sky's the limit," Sean said softly, "If you really want to keep it how it is we can. But...we can also make it a little more James you know? Plus you like painting, art your telling me you want to keep those boring grey walls? You've had no ideas?"

James blushed, "Well...maybe a thing or two." She murmured. Talking with Luke about the murals he wants her and Gabe to work on in there uncle's diner had gotten her thinking. Some large scale pieces coming to mind...

"I'm serious sweetie, whatever you want to do. It's your's if you want to write on the walls you can-"

James laughed, "Write on the walls?"

Sean shook his head, "Guessing you haven't seen Luke's room..."

She shook her head although her curiosity had been peaked. She had gone to Kota's, Nathans, Victors, and Sang's. An of course Sean's apartment the other boy's places however she hadn't seen.

Although Silas did tell her he lived in an apartment with his dad he mentioned a brother as well.

Sean linked there hands tugging her towards the bedroom. Gosh when had grabbing their hands and pulling them into hugs become so easily?

She flushed letting him tug her into the bedroom her mouth fell open when she realized all the furniture was gone the walls were bare no decorations. What had her shocked though was the several different colors of paints across the floor.

Gallons upon gallons.

"Why do you have so much paint?" She turned with wide eyes to Sean. The man let out a laugh.

"The boys didn't know what color you wanted. Your favorite colors yellow but Gabe said there were so many different shades and well-we may have gone overboard but-"

James moved to wrap her arms tightly around Sean's waist her head moving into his chest. He let out a grunt but his arms wrapped around her too, his head coming to rest on her own.

"Thank you. I-you guys don't have to keep doing things for me-You know that right? Your all enough-"

"We want to do this," Sean said his hands moving in soothing motions on her back.

James took in a shaky breath. Charity case.

"But all these paints-"

"Will get used. Whatever extra will have for the diner, and Gabe wants to do some remodels-"

"I'll pay you all back-"

"We didn't ask for money goofy girl," Sean said squeezing her slightly. "Now you want to rest or do you want to paint?"

James gave him one more squeeze before pulling away her eyes coming to the grey walls. She took in a breathe her hands were itching. The need to make something-the freedom she was suddenly given was Jesus. Astounding.

She'd never had a real place to call her own.

It made it all the more perfect that it was with them.

"I think I'll paint." She murmured an excited grin crossing her face.

                                                🌹

"Woah look at you!" Sean's voice startled her. She took a step back wiping her hand on her face. She had her hair up in a messy bun a couple of smaller paintbrushes in it for when she needed them. Although she couldn't add too many since it was still wet.

She stood up thankfully they had put some tarps across the floor. Sean had to work on some things for the academy, he left her for a few hours James was grateful for the time alone to think.

She always appreciated a good moment to paint.

"Jesus James I know you said you like art but I haven't seen any of your work this is-" He paused coming further into the room.

James stood up moving towards the door so she could look at the painting with Sean. "These are just the undercoats, there's still a lot more to add. It's not-"

"It's good," Sean said seriously his eyes focused on the wall.

James blushed to rub the back of her neck. She felt incredibly awkward under his complements.

She turned back to the wall. The first wall coming in was now a dark blue, normally she would have sketched what she wanted first but this time she had to just go for it. She was too impatient to wait for the wall too completely dry.

Storm clouds filled the top of the wall up to the ceiling, she had to move the ladder occasionally cursing her short height the whole time. A figure was underneath the clouds, so far she only had the girl blocked in. Her plan was to have the person stomping in rain puddles.

That's what she was working on when Sean had come in, some drops of rain coming from the clouds.

On the wall opposite she painted it a much lighter blue. Currently, she was waiting for that to dry so she could have a lighter piece.

A nighttime rainy painting, and then a lighter daytime painting. Her mind was spinning with possibilities.

"I have to wait for a lot of areas to dry before I can really add too many details. So it's all kind of blocking at this point but-"

"You hate compliments don't you?" Sean laughed slightly, "I think that's one thing that never fails to make you blush-"

"Shut it," James snapped her finger's at him bringing her other hand to cover her face. "You want to help?"

"Darling if you think my cookings bad you should see my try at art-"

James let out a loud laugh a smile crossing her face. "We can work on the other walls unless you think I should keep them grey-"

"A hundred percent we should not," Sean said quickly coming into the room rolling his sleeves up. He put his hands on his hips, "I'm not much of a painter,"

"It doesn't have to be perfect," James assured, "now what color would you like?"

"Ah, ah, ah," He wagged a finger, "What color would you like?"

James groaned eyeing the many gallons. She closed her eyes spinning in a couple of circles, "I'm gonna point at a can tell me when to stop-"

"That's how you want to choose your room color-"

"Let me live!"

"You say that till you get puke green."

James laughed putting her hand out so she could point at a can. He stopped her suddenly she quickly dropped down so she could see what color it was. "Maroon!" She chirped opening the reddish can up. She turned back smiling at Sean.

He chuckled, "You got lucky, you gonna teach me how to paint now?"

James smirked, "I could teach you-" she cut herself off blinking. "um yes. Yes, I'll show you."

Sean tilted his head.

"Music!" James blurted before he could say anything. "Did you have a speaker or a radio or-"

Sean smacked his head, "Oh geez I forgot to ask if you wanted it earlier. I wish you would have said something before!" He left the room before coming back with a speaker a grin on his face. "Your wish is my command!"

James giggled, "Alright sir." She nodded "Play a bop-"

"A bop?"

"I said what I said and I meant what I said did!" James snapped her fingers swaying her hips even though there wasn't any music playing. "What type of music do you like Dr. Green?"

"Shouldn't my fiancé now this?" Sean gasped.

"Must have been spending to much time with my husband," James shook her head, "So many relationships so hard to keep up!"

Sean chuckled at that, "I like a little bit of everything what about you?" He questioned curiously.

James smiled wiggling her eyebrows, "Why choose?" She said calmly licking her lips. She turned away before he could look at her with those gorgeous eyes any longer. She moved towards the can opening it easily and grabbing a couple of paintbrushes.

She couldn't help but perk up when Elton John's voice echoed throughout the sound system.

"Hey kids shake it lose together the spotlights hitting something that's been known to change the weatherrrrr-"James sang freely she couldn't help herself.

She felt...good.

Painting, music. She suddenly felt in her element. She turned around so she could face Sean holding a paintbrush out to him. He was looking at her with a fond smile making her heart race.

"We'll kill the fattest calf tonight so stick around, your gonna hear electric music Solid walls of sounddddddd-" She held the note swaying her hips as she dipped the brush in the paint. She curled her finger at Sean who seemed frozen. "Come on goofy!"

Sean blinked shaking his head, "I'm so gonna mess this up-"

"Fuck thinking! I'm done thinking for the moment! Just-sing with me?" She said feeling her heart burst as he turned those pretty eyes to her. His wide lips were curled up into an easy smile an again she was reminded of how kind he was.

How he always managed to make her feel calm.

Relaxed.

"I'm not much of a singer, I'm afraid you've got me in my worst elements." He laughed, "You however have the most beautiful voice and I would be honored to dance with you."

James blushed, taking his offered hand. "How could I say no to that-"

"Only if you sing-" He warned, "the music stops so does my feet!"

James laughed her head tipping back, "Oh but they're weird and they're wonderful! Oh Bennie she's really keen! She's got an electric boots mohair suit you know I read it in a magizneeeeee ohhhhhhh," she tipped forward as her and Sean swayed moving to the beat of the song. "Be-be-be-bennie and the jet's!"

Sean spun her she went under his arm she couldn't help but laugh as he did some fancy foot movement. James shook her head snorting slightly as she brought the paint brush up, she had been dragging paint everywhere but neither of them cared to lost in the moment.

"Beinnie! Bennie! Bennie! Bennie and the jets!" She spun out skipping over to him bringing one of her hands around his waist as she pulled them closer. She brought the paintbrush up as a microphone swinging her head back and forth. "Hey kids! Plug into the faithless maybe there blinded But Bennie makes them ageless...We shall survive let us take ourselves alongggggg-"

She ducked under his arm but Sean snagged her hand bringing her right back into his chest. He dipped her back before bringing her back up. She felt breathless for a moment lost in his gaze.

Their foreheads moved together both there breathing having been picked up. Sean licked his lips his eyes flickering down to her own. She swallowed thickly her mind wandering in all the best places.

What his lips would taste like, how they would feel-

Boundaries.

Needy slut.

She took a step back turning before he could get the chance to make a move. Before she made a move.

She did a silly dance one completely off-beat of the song. Sean seemed dazed for a moment his movements stopped as he watched her. His green eyes piercing into her.

"Where we fight our parents out on the streets to find who's right and who's wronggggg,"  She held the note picking up some paint on her paintbrush and handing Sean his disregarded one. If she danced like that with him again they'd both end up- she shook her head. "Say candy and Ronnie have you seen them yet? Oh but there so spaced out! Bennie and the jets---"

She swiped at the wall letting herself move back into the beat of the song, she turned her head eyeing Sean who seemed to finally join her. He shot her a smile winking at her as he started painting as well.

An god his lean muscles moved with each swipe at the wall.

Why did she become friends with a bunch of fucking models?

"Be-be-be-bennie and the jet's." He sang teasingly his voice making her laugh. He was completely offbeat but his voice was still absolutely perfect to her.

He couldn't sing like Victor or Gabe but he was still having fun.

He knew he couldn't but he didn't let that stop him, he sounded awfully amazing and she couldn't help but laugh wildly as he seemed to grow even more confidence in his tunes.

He shook his head back and forth flipping his curls as he grinned at her. An damn that smile never failed to make her heart burst.

"Keep singing!" James encouraged.

"You know I sound awful-"

"but you're having fun?" James questioned. Sean paused a soft grin reaching his lips.

"Yeah," He murmured, "How could I not have fun with you firefly?"

James turned away to hide her blush.

How the hell was she supposed to just be friends with them when she couldn't get rid of the butterflies in her stomach.

She was royally screwed.

                                             🌹

"I like it!" Sean said giving James a bright smile.

She nudged his shoulder. "See told ya you could be a painter!"

He rolled his eyes fondly sticking his tongue out at her. "Well-" he paused his hand going to his phone. "Hello?"

He frowned turning to James and motioning he would be right back. She nodded turning back to the wall. Her rainy night painting was still in progress. She was finished with the clouds and with the raindrops. She did however want to go back in and add more detail to the person in the painting.

She turned to the opposite wall, now that the light blue was dry she could start working on sketching out her picture. She stood for a moment trying to envision exactly what she wanted there.

She pulled out a white charcoal pencil spinning it between her fingers.

Then she let herself create.

She started with flowers at the bottom, hills, with sunflowers and Chrysler imperial roses (they were Sang's favorite.), she also planned on adding other smaller rosebuds on in the boy favorite color.

It was missing something though. She wanted to add a rainbow, one that was faded, like how you would see after a storm.

But it was still missing something.

She shook her head starting to work on the grass, then moving to the base coats for her flowers.

"Hey James, I'm so sorry to have to go but work called and-"

James paused, "don't apologize! Thank you for spending the afternoon with me...I needed it more then I think."

Sean's smile was soft he came over pressing a kiss onto her head. She couldn't help but Lean into the movement her heart fluttering at the sweet gesture.

"Owens coming soon, but if you want one of the others here now-"

"No," James said softly, eyes moving to her painting. "It's alright I don't mind some time alone."

He smiled running a hand through her hair, "alright firefly, don't forget to ice those bruises. Eat some lunch food help yourself to anything in the kitchen but please don't-"

"I know!" She groaned, "I won't cook."

He winked.

"Bye sweetheart."

As the door closed she moved to put on some music letting it wash over her.

She turned back to the wall letting herself escape.

                                              🌹

She leaned back looking at the large wall her back was sore her limbs tired of sitting in the same awkward position for so long. She had finished the flowers though and hills and the rest of the details to the sky. She ended up adding a girl on this wall with blonde hair that fell past her butt. The girl was facing away from her so you couldn't see her face back showing a pretty white dress on her and flowers laced throughout her hair.

She glanced back to the other wall, the only thing left to finish was the figure on that side, she moved picking up some yellow paint and adding a raincoat too it, a couple of pieces of red hair slipping out of the raincoat. It was the only pop of color against the dark wall.

She loved it.

James heard the door close making her jump, she turned down the music slightly brushing some hair out of her face.

She stood up quickly moving to her backpack and pulling out her Taser. Thankful that Sean had brought it in the room earlier. She stood up silently moving out of the room and peering into the living room.

She relaxed when she saw it was Ow-Mr. Blackbourne. She tucked the taser into the sweatshirt she had borrowed moving further into the room.

Owen's lips twitched when he saw her his eyes roaming over her form making her want to squirm.

"You have paint on your face." He pointed out moving further into the room.

James blushed brightly her hand coming to her face. She didn't know why she suddenly felt so embarrassed under his gaze. Normally she would be well throwing herself at him.

She needed too...take a step back from that though.

"Oh um, Sean said I could paint the bedroom..." She trailed off shifting on her feet.

Owen tilted his head his eyebrows scrunching together slightly. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," James said firmly, "Are you alright?"

He paused eyeing her carefully his silver eyes curious and confused. Years of hiding her emotions and he could tell something was off with a look. There was a long pause of silence where they both debated there next move.

Waiting for the other to speak up.

James was not going to break her hold though she merely tilted her head raising an eyebrow. "Have you eaten lunch yet?" He finally questioned the switch in topic confused her monetarily but she didn't let it deter her.

"Ah, no didn't want to start a house fire in your kitchen." She joked wiggling her fingers in a wave. Owen motioned for her to follow him into the kitchen pulling out a seat for her then he started looking through the cabinets.

"A wise decision on your part, Sean is quite fond of the apartment. A house fire would really put a damper on his day."

James smiled at that letting out a snort. Ow-Mr. Blackbourne's dry humor never failed to make her laugh. "As most fire's do." She replied. She leaned forward on the counter letting her head come to rest in her palms.

"What are you hungry for?"

"You can't ask a girl that and-" She cut herself off before she could finish the innaprotie joke. "Ah, um. Food."

"Food?" Owen raised an eyebrow looking amused.

"Yes." James nodded firmly swallowing as she gave him a thumbs up. "Food is good. Great. Yep."

"Okay." Owen grabbed a stool sitting across from her his steely eyes focused on her. "What's going on in that head of yours?"

"Nothing O-Mr. B," She smirked tipping her head forward. "I'm amazeballs."

He seemed puzzled for a moment frowning, "Mr. B?" he mouthed lowly head tilting, "Darling your not leaving yourself any favors?"

James swallowed, "I thought you preferred Blackbourne anyways? Huh, what's the big deal?"

"Because you prefer Owen. I like that you prefer to do what you want." He said seriously, she felt her toes curl a sharp breath escaping her lips.

"Yeah well, maybe I shouldn't always be getting what I want," James said seriously her nose crinkling. "I mean you're a keep to yourself kinda guy. You must hate that I jump all over you. The others fuck-I just. Maybe I should take a step back."

"Did one of them do something you didn't want?" Owen said his voice turning cold, "If any of them-"

"No," James said quickly, "It's me doing something they might not want. I throw myself at them like slu-"

She cut herself her face turning red.

"I just. I don't want anyone to get hurt you know? Or-I don't know." James laid her head on the counter.

"Are you referring to the hugs?"

"The cuddles, the jokes, the hugs, hell I kiss everyone's cheeks, grab everyone's hands!" James shouted, "I just-maybe everyone at schools right. There are already rumors going around-"

"Have any of the boys asked you to stop?" Owen questioned cutting her off, "Has anyone said there uncomfortable?"

"No," James said taking in a deep breathe rubbing at her chest.

"Have you become uncomfortable?"

James shook her head, "I like being near you guys." She whispered, "I like hugging you all and joking with you all but-"

"Trust us okay? If your comfortable and were comfortable there is no issues. The boys could care less about school rumors," He said softly, "Don't overthink it darling. If you choose to then you choose to if not there's no harm. No one will be upset."

He wouldn't be saying that If he knew she had feelings for them all.

"Maybe your right," James whispered letting out a huff. She wiggled her eyebrows. "So you want me to keep up the flirting? So you can teach me a lesson?"

He rolled his eyes throwing a napkin at her.

"How un-classy of you Mr. Blackbourne!" She gasped.

He paused those steel eyes flickering with sadness.

"What miss me calling you Owen?" James questioned, "Because if you want me too your going to have to ask. Otherwise, Mr. B will be my new go too-"

He suddenly stood moving to her side of the counter she turned following his movements. He leaned in close bringing his hand to her face, "Call me Owen." his words were soft but it sounded like a command one she really wanted to follow.

"I've missed you, Owen," She whispered seriously.

His lips twitched slightly he brought his hand to her face finally making contact. She shivered realizing he had a wet wipe on her cheek wiping the paint off.

"An I've missed you as well." He responded his voice thick making shivers go down her spine.

She sucked in a breathe letting her arms wrap around his waist letting her head come to rest on his shoulder.

He froze for a moment, but he always did whenever she hugged him.

She hoped they would get comfortable enough so that wouldn't happen.

"You don't think I'm a slut?" James whispered.

His arms wrapped around her his hands squeezing her waist. "No," he spoke firmly.

James closed her eyes, "I know everyone at school does. Beatrice does too. My mom said so but I just- I just want to be me. But maybe me is-"

He thought she was a slut.

"I like you. The others like you too. Your more then enough I know it's hard to forget what other people have said but please listen to what we're saying alright?"

James swallowed, "fuck everyone else."

"Fuck everyone else." He agreed earning a laugh out of her.

James pulled back her lips twisting into a lopsided grin, "can you say that again so I can record it. The others won't believe me!"

"It was my plan." He assured earning a groan from her.

"You're an evil evil man Owen." She pokes his chest. "But I suppose your my evil man aren't you?"

His lips twitched up, "seeing as your my wife I would say we're stuck with one another."

"That's not so bad is it?" James brought her arms up so they were around his neck, "darling would you play me a song?"

He seemed taken aback for a moment blinking down at her. An god those steely grey eyes never failed to make her heart flutter.

"You want me to play you a song?"

"Well...it's fair, isn't it? You play me a song, I show you the painting I've been working on a trade for a trade?"

His eyes twinkled, "Am I making a deal with the devil?"

"Well I never claimed to be innocent," James smirked bringing her hand up and poking his cheek. "What do you say?"

Owen tilted his head, "I suppose it's a fair trade-off, however, my Violin is at the school. Perhaps it can wait until our class?"

James groaned loudly, "why would you leave it at Ashley Waters?"

His lips twitched up again, "how foolish of me," he said dryly making her laugh.

"Foolish of you is damn right good sir!" James exclaimed. "I guess the rooms off-limits until Monday!"

Owen frowned, "you can't be serious."

"Deadly," James smirked. "A deals a deal-"

Owen refrained from huffing the frown not leaving his lips.

"Is Owen pouting?" James gasped, "it can't be!"

He rolled his eyes his hands shifting on her waist, for a moment she had forgotten they were there. Leaning into his touch. His hold.

"Very funny-"

"Very cute if you ask me," James winked. She brought her hand to his chest letting her fingers go over his tie. She missed having there contact today.

It was still a fight in her mind.

Wanting them close but pushing them away.

She didn't have the right answer. An she wasn't prepared to tell Owen about her feelings for them all. Not yet.

She couldn't.

What she needed to do was talk to Sang.

Fuck. She couldn't talk to Sang. Not after what the girl's mother just put her through.

James closed her eyes.

"What's the matter?" Owen questioned she opened her eyes.

She couldn't talk about this to him not yet.

So instead of bringing that problem up, she brought up a new one.

One that had been on her mind since the conversation with Sang.

"I'm going to the mansion tonight," James said tilting her head letting the smile fall from her face.

Owen took a step back, she knew the moment they lost contact that this conversation wouldn't turn out good.

"No." Owen said firmly.

James tilted her head letting a mask wash over her face.

Pretending.

An act that she was always good at.

She had learned long ago how to block off her emotions. It was better to pretend like she was unaffected then to admit the truth.

She was scared to go back but she couldn't leave it here.

Cecelia deserves better.

"No?" James said coldly.

Owen took in a sharp breathe his eyes narrowing. "Jameson, Miss Sorenson-Sang got lucky with her injures. If she was left any longer do you realize what could have happened? How much more damage could be done?" His voice was like fire. She knew she was playing a dangerous game. "You want us to go back to that mansion where you've already been put in situations that have been-"

"I can take care of myself," James said firmly. "I've always taken care of myself. An I told you nothing has happened I'm fine-"

Liar. Her mind whispered but the words came out before she could stop them.

"I don't believe you!" His voice was loud making her take a step back her back hitting the counter. He lost his anger immediately his face softening. He moved to take a step forward but she held up a hand. Her heart pounding.

She had to physically refrain herself from but crying out. She wanted to apologize for starting this.

She should have let it go.

But it needed to be done.

She couldn't handle the anxiety that came with waiting till tonight to bring it up.

"I thought you said I got a choice?" James questioned. "That's what you all told me."

Owen looked like she had slapped him.

It was a game of throwing each other's words at the other person and neither of them were backing down.

"You can't ask me to allow you to be hurt again." His voice was pained. It made her physically sick to see the way he lost some of his confidence. A sliver of fear slipping into those silver eyes.

"I know what I'm walking into," James said softening her voice. "I-"

"If roles were reversed-"

James's eyes shot out to him, "that's not fair."

"Isn't it?" He scoffed, "do you want to talk about fair? Do you really want to go there-"

"You haven't been through what I've been through!" James snapped, "none of you have! And none of you will! I'm telling you I'm fine!"

"We're more alike then you think James!" His voice grew louder but not into a shout, just stronger more convection coming back to his tone. "I know you feel alone-"

"None of you have been through what I've been through," James said again cutting him off. She squeezed her fist shut her nails digging into her skin. "Besides what do you want me to do? Hideaway forever? I can't-"

"We can report them-"

"You think I've never tried reporting one of my homes?" James snapped, "you think I've never tried to get a better one? I have! I've made the calls but no one ever believes me! Who would believe the foster kid! They say I'm a liar! They say I gave myself my own bruises! Because I couldn't handle what I've seen! They say it's the bullies at school! No one believes me! I've tried. But I'm a problem child. And now I'm labeled as a risk. Because how can you trust the depressed suicidal girl who's got a record bigger than a graveyard?"

He paused at that pain slipping into his eyes, she recognized it as one of her own.

She didn't back down though, head high shoulders back.

"Lorenzo will never let me leave, not after everything. Even if I've tried. He's got connections to the police department the one time Cecelia called it got wiped under the rug. Because if you have the money you have connections." James sighed, "an ill always be the poor orphan outcast. I've got to go back Owen."

"We can help you, he won't be able to get away with it. With any of it. We have connections to James. We can help you. You just have to trust us-"

"I can barely trust myself, Owen," James sounded tired, "I've trusted you all with so much darling but...this isn't just me on the line. What happened to Cecelia-"

"We can help you. Give us what you have and we can get him locked away-"

James scoffed, "Owen-"

"James."

She rubbed her head. "Why can't you just give me more time?"

"Because if anything were to happen to you under our watch I don't think we'd be able to make it through it." Owen murmured, "look how we all handled what happened to Sang? We can't go through that again."

James shook her head, "this is different."

"It is." Owen agreed. "But we can help."

James closed her eyes, "I haven't been able to get enough proof. Lorenzo destroyed everything Cecelia collected. She only died a couple of months ago Owen. I've gotten some pictures after Beatrice hurt me but they'll ask why I didn't call. Why I didn't get it documented. The claims I've made at past foster homes have been ignored. They'll get away with it. I just don't have enough yet..."

She let her arms wrap around her biting her lip.

"James-"

"I'm tired, Owen." She admitted. "I don't have the energy to fight you but I don't agree with you."

"I can't let you go back."

"An I can't let you hold me back," James said softly, "this is bigger than me. He's hurt so many people."

"We can look into him," Owen said, "get Victor to run a check on him-"

James shook her head, "Owen-"

"You shouldn't have to suffer in the meantime." He said firmly. "Not for him. Not for anyone. Not anymore."

James sucked inbreathe, "What if we can't-"

"He won't get away with what he did and I won't allow him to hurt you any longer," Owen said firmly.

It took James a moment to realize that...she shouldn't be fighting him. They were on the same side of the battle and as much as she wanted to go in alone.

Even though she was used to going in it alone...this time she didn't have to.

A glimmer of hope ran through her.

Maybe with them...maybe they could make a difference.

"Who am I staying with tonight?" James finally questioned after a few minutes, she saw the tension leave Owen's shoulder's almost automatically.

"Kota's. Tonight you'll stay at Kota's."

James nodded running a hand through her hair. The other one brushing against her neck briefly. "Fine. Now are you gonna cook me something? North's been complaining about me eating fast food and I don't want to fight with him." She ranted turning towards the counter and away from Owen.

She paused when he didn't respond glancing back at him curiously.

"What?"

"Nothing," He said gently shaking his head, "Could have already had it done it you hadn't been all over me-"

James let out a startled laugh, "Okay sure Mr. Blackbourne-"

He sent her a look and she smirked before it turned into a gentle smile.

They would figure out everything else later.

For now, she would trust.

It still scared her just how much they all meant to her. How much they affected her.

Help For the first time in a long time, she allowed herself to accept it.

She hoped it would work out.

                                               🌹

                                        

"Are you sure you haven't gotten sick of me yet?" James questioned she was laying down in the bed again. She had talked Owen into laying down with her, he was out of his work clothes in a pair of sweatpants and a loose-fitting t-shirt.

It didn't stop from hiding his muscles she was reminded once again how beautiful this man was.

"I'm not sick of you, nor will I ever be," he assured she hummed moving her hand out to rest on his chest.

He didn't move as she did so, he kept his eyes focused on the book he was reading but she felt his muscles tense slightly before relaxing.

"Okay," James responded biting her lip.

"Are you still having nightmares?" He questioned closing his book and setting it down on his chest.

James cuddled further into the pillow a frown crossing her lips. "I've dreamt of my dad a little bit but...it started out nice then turned into a nightmare. An know I don't really want to sleep, but I'm so tired." She closed her eyes.

The only time she was getting a decent amount of sleep was during her naps. Today she'd been truly exhausted between the panic attack and stress she needed to rest.

It was hard though.

She wanted to spend time with her boy's but on the same hand, she didn't have enough energy to give them a smiling James.

Bits and pieces here and there but overall she was...exhausted and confused.

She didn't really know what she was doing anymore.

"Did you want to talk about them?" He asked gently.

James closed her eyes to avoid looking into those steely ones. One look and she'd spill.

Her head was underwater, a handheld tightly on her neck holding her down. Water filling her lungs-

The dream changed. She was younger now.

A man was holding her down, a wicked grin and dead eyes. Always wanting more then James had to give.

She took in a slow breath trying to get the image to disappear, only to have it replaced with a new dream.

Blood covered her hands, a cry escaping her lips. Someone was screaming. Who was screaming? Bottles surrounded her-

"No," James said almost too firmly. She didn't mean to be aggressive but...she learned long ago there were somethings she wouldn't be able to talk about.

Some memories to harmful.

"We don't have to," Owen said quietly, "What can I do to help?"

James twisted her lips she carefully moved closer to him letting her arms wrap around his frame. Her head finding it's way into his chest. "Is this okay?" she whispered.

Afraid if she spoke too loud he would turn her away.

Just like everyone else.

"Yes," Owen breathed out. His arms coming to rest on her back.

James closed her eyes letting the warmth wash over her. Spring soap filling her nose. Safe.

                                              🌹

Water.

Darkness.

Burning lungs.

A hand tightened against her neck. Nails digging into her skin.

She couldn't breathe.

She could never really breathe though.

A ringing interrupted in her ears.

Too much-too much-

James shot up in bed clutching at her chest, she couldn't help it as she irrupted into a coughing fit. She quickly moved off the bed covering her mouth to try and hold them in. Her wild eyes swept over the room she froze as she took in Owen's sleeping frame.

She quietly left the room closing the door just in time as she released a series of coughs. Her eyes were watering her chest burning.

It had felt like she was underwater all over again.

She moved into the kitchen on shaky legs, she went to grab a cup but it dropped before she even got the chance. She couldn't help but flinch back at the noise her heart racing.

She squeezed her eyes shut as she knelt down moving to pick up the pieces.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

She couldn't breathe. She dropped the piece in her hand knowing if she made any more moves she would hurt herself. She also knew she couldn't stay here.

James stood up double-checking her phone was in her pocket before heading out the door.

The apartment door closes with a soft click.

She always fucked everything up.

She took the steps two at a time her breathing coming out slightly rapid.

She didn't know what to do or what to think.

Her phone rang startling her out of her thoughts. She hesitated before answering it John Oliver was calling...They did say they wanted to help one another and James was feeling all too overwhelmed right now.

"John Oliver?" She choked out, her hand coming to cover her mouth as she took a shaky breathe in.

"James?" Brandon's voice came over the phone soft and smooth concern lacing through it. "Are you alright?"

"How'd you get my number?" She questioned voice turning harsh as she tried to cover up the hurt that was in it.

"Me and the guys played rock paper scissors we wanted to talk to you more," Brandon explained, "That's not important right now what's wrong?"

James hesitated playing with the end of her sleeve. "I broke a glass," She whispered letting herself sit on the stairs her hand moving through her hair. "I had a bad dream then I got up and I-dropped a glass."

"Did you hurt yourself? Are you alright-"

"I'm fine I just don't want my friends to be mad at me," James cut him off. "They do so much for me and I-just keep messing up and-"

"James," He cut off voice strong, "I can assure you your friends won't be mad about a glass. An if they are give me their names and me and our resident Russian will come and give them something to be mad about."

James let out a startled laugh, "Like the hulk?"

"Raven's worse than the hulk," Brandon replied easily making her giggle. "Now are you really upset about the glass or this dream you had?"

James sobered up slightly some tension growing in her shoulders. "A little of both I guess," She admitted. She remembered the pain that she saw in Brandon's eyes, a wave of understanding going through her. "You ever get so locked into a memory that you just freeze?"

The line was quiet for a moment she wondered briefly if she overstepped. She had only met John Oliver's friends one time but still...there was something about them she liked.

The way they worked and interacted reminded her of her boys.

"Yeah, yeah I have," Brandon admitted there was some movement on the other side of the phone she heard the click of a door. "It can be overwhelming."

"That's putting it lightly," James snorted. "How do you deal with having friends? How do you know when not to overstep? I feel like I've been alone so long that now I'm just- Sorry. Fuck I don't even know why I'm saying all of this."

"Don't apologize," Brandon said seriously, "I can't tell you how to deal with everything because we all think in different ways. I go work on my bikes when I'm stressed, Raven cleans his guns, Corey sinks into his computers. I've never been good at not overstepping. I fuck up and me and my friends-we tell each other everything. I understand going from not having anyone to relying on people though...it can be challenging. Work at your own pace and say when you need them to back the fuck up okay?"

James was silent for a moment taking in Brandon's words. "Thanks. Sorry for getting all emotional on you."

"It sounded like you needed an unbiased opinion to talk to," Brandon said easily. "It just so happens me and my brothers like you so if you ever need anything feel free to call. Or come to the apartment."

The way he worded that sounded so serious. Like he truly meant it. It startled her briefly.

"James?"

"Still here," She shook her head, "Well if any of you guy's need me either feel free. I'm not great at pep talks or well talking in general but you know."

Brandon laughed he started to speak when suddenly a new voice cut across the phone.

"Little fox! Brandon took off with the phone before we could speak! Don't worry I took it from him now," Raven's voice made her cackle shaking her head as she heard muffled shouting over the phone. "I heard you've dealt with some fuckers at school. Do you need me too come beat their asses?"

"Are you questioning my ass-whooping abilities?" James gasped, "I can't believe this."

Raven let out a laugh, "Don't worry little fox I can do all the ass whooping well you sit there and look pretty."

James huffed at that, "Russian or not I could take you down!" She declared.

"If that's so then who beat you up at that school of yours? I promise you I will-"

"I took care of them," James interrupted but she couldn't help the swell of warmth that grew in her chest. Was he worried about her? "Little fighting and getting thrown from a small balcony never killed anyone? Ha, I appreciate the-"

"You got thrown from a what?!" John Oliver's voice came over the phone frantically. "I thought you said you got into a small fight-"

"A balcony? Jesus, did you go to the hospital? Are you alright?" Marc's voice was warm and concerned. James didn't know when they switched to speaker but she blushed under the new attention the boys were giving her.

"Give me all of there names," Raven's voice was dark, "I'll toss them over a bridge-"

"What? No! And technically I never corrected you when you asked if I got into a gang fight-"

"Not the point James!" John Oliver hissed.

"-It was like a shortfall? Just some douche boy's who wanted to isolate and toss someone over. Apparently, they do this every year. What can I say I decided I may as well become Humpty dumpty. Ha get it because-"

"The schools allow them to keep doing this?" Axel's voice wasn't the calm voice she heard yesterday. It held anger that she didn't like one that made her shift uncomfortably.

"Guess so," James muttered. "Afterward it just turned into a big brawl with some of the football players-"

"What the fuck are all these guys doing tossing a girl over? Tossing anyone over?" Brandon's voice was deep and heated. It surprised her just how mad all of them sounded.

It made her pause, If these strangers she barley knew were upset she shouldn't have gotten so mad at the boys for being upset.

"...It's my fault," James's voice turned guilty, "I was egging one of the guys on but I didn't want him to toss my friend. I couldn't let him hurt my-" She cut herself off swallowing. "I could handle a little fall, besides the fighting at that school is nothing new. I'm not particularly the most popular person."

"Then they're all dumb," Raven said sternly James couldn't help the warm smile that crossed her lips.

"An that's not your fault. You shouldn't have been put in that situation, to begin with. Don't take the blame for wanting to protect your friends just remember you're important too. You can't throw yourself into every fight," Corey said softly his words making her mouth go dry.

Look out for herself? She'd rather deny and pretend everything is fine.

It was easier like that.

"Name of your school now," Raven growled.

"Never," James returned, "I have it handled, besides what's the classic school life without a couple of bullies. Honest, sometimes there comebacks are kinda funny-"

"James," Axel's voice was commanding reminding her too much of Owen's.

She shifted in her seat tugging her hair, "Since when did I get a new pack of guard dogs? Is this going to be a thing? Please don't show up at my school to kick some highschoolers asses. I'd rather not have to see you guy's arrested for beating up-"

"They would have to find the bodies first," Raven said seriously making her groan.

"John Oliver," James whined.

"...No one should be talking to you like that." He said softly. "What's a little maiming?"

James couldn't help but gape, "Eh tu John Oliver?" She shook her head. "A too think I was having a crisis about breaking a glass."

"...What?" Marc sounded confused.

"Well, guy's as much as I love the embarrassment that comes with talking about my low social status and troubling reactions to situations that leave me with no control. I must take away my presence from you all-"

"This conversation is so not over-" John Oliver declared.

"Agree," The other boy's said speaking in unison making her eyes widened.

"Did you all become robots?"

That earned round of laughter making her smile.

"Little fox I take your number from Jo." Before James could respond the line went dead making her huff out a laugh. Russians.

She couldn't help but smile when she realized that during the conversation she suddenly felt...better.

She liked John Oliver and his new friends.

She liked them a lot.

                                               🌸

After speaking to John Oliver and his group of merry men James went back into the bedroom. Putting on some headphones and listening to music. She wanted to give Owen the chance to sleep and she...she needed some time to herself.

"Youuuu give loveeeee a bad name," James bopped her head to the music as she glanced down at her phone. A smile hitting her lips as she read Nathan's text message.

She went to respond only to hit Sean's couch multiple curses escaping her lips as her headphones were knocked off her. She watched with wide eyes as her phone started to leave her hand she fumbled with it catching it before it could hit the ground. "Oh fucking carrots," she uttered before she brightened, "Ha! Stupid couch can't stop me!"

She couldn't help but beam, sure her toe hurt a little bit but she didn't break her phone and the couch didn't take her down. That was a win in her book.

"Carrots?" James whipped her head overseeing Luke's face scrunched up in disgust mouth twisted as he said the word in disappointment. His hair was tied back into a ponytail wearing a nicely fitted blue shirt and some tight shorts.

Holy hell did he look hot.

Fuck friends probably don't think that about there other friends. Her eyes flickered over the room finding Gabe's who looked guilty. She couldn't help but wondered what caused him to look so distressed...Her mind went over the morning and a rush of guilt went through her too.

The boys must be upset she was so short with them earlier.

She finally let herself focus on the last figure in the room.

Owen Blackbourne was leaning against the countertop his muscles on full display making her mouth go dry.

"Awe buttons did I wake you?" James questioned as she took in Owen's tired stance. Her hand moved to come to play with her hair, "I was singing to loud wasn't I? Damn it that's why I hate headphones I always forget."

She had only used them a couple of other times, she either got tangled in them as she danced or she was way too loud when singing. She did, however, feel bad, Owen needed sleep she had truly forgotten that when she was painting though.

Lost in her own mind.

"James-"

"I'm super duper sorry-Oh I'm also gonna apologize now because I broke one of your glasses. That was my bad I'll buy you another one. Or probably a set because I noticed you have a lot of matching-"

"James." Mr. Blackbourne's voice was firm cutting off James's ramblings. She glanced up at him her lips parting in a slight pout. "It's alright, and no you didn't wake me. Did you manage to get any sleep at all?"

"Why did you miss my cuddles?" She purred letting a tired smirk cross her lips, shifting on her feet slightly "I know I'm amazing but geesh calm down Owen there's only so much of me that can go around."

Before he got the chance to respond Luke cut in front of her blocking her view of the others. He gave her one of his dazzling smiles his brown eyes sparkling. "Well cupcake, I hope you've managed to get some sleep. Make sure you grab some dinner, I just wanted to pop in and check on you." he opened his arms waiting for her to hug him. James hated the way she paused before moving in. Luke's hugs were...amazing. Filled with warmth and happiness and she knew she could easily get lost in them.

She needed to figure out all these fucking feelings and quick.

Or get rid of them.

She hated this questioning she just wanted to-

"Get some rest okay?" Luke murmured in her ear as she pulled him close her head falling onto his chest.

"Thanks, Luke," James whispered licking her lips slightly. "I'm sorr-"

"What are you apologizing for?" He sounded baffled making her feel goofy for bringing it up in the first place.

"Well, I just...You came over but-"

"Just checking in," Luke said, "It's okay for wanting alone time."

James nodded, Sean had told her that too but..She didn't want to offend any of her friends. Hurt any of them.

She wanted to be with them but her first instinct was always to be alone. It use to be her only option... Luke pressed a kiss to her cheek making her heart stutter briefly. She watched him go before turning to the other two boys in the room.

"Welp I don't know what to say and both of you are looking at me funny." James tilted her head watching as both of them blushed Owen's was slight almost not noticeable and Gabe-Gabe was looking at her with those guilty eyes that made her heart hurt.

"Can we talk?" he blurted.

James paused for a moment before nodding, "Sure," she stretched her hands above her head despite her racing heart trying to figure out what made Gabe so uncomfortable.

"Did you want to go for a drive? I can drop you off at Kota's?" He questioned.

James turned to Owen curious to see what his opinion was. "Sorry to cuddle and dash..."

The stern man's lips tilted up into the smallest of smiles. "It's alright I have some work to attend to anyway." He assured.

James moved to pull him into a hug. "Thank you, Owen." She said softly before pulling away and narrowing her eyes, "You better not look into that room-"

"It's your room, I won't be entering without your permission."

James paused at that her mouth popping open as she took in the serious look that lingered in her eyes. She didn't know how to respond.

He seemed to pick up on that giving her a look, "Go," he spoke softly.

She nodded squeezing his arm once before turning to Gabe. "Let's go, baby," She chirped moving to him and throwing an arm around his shoulder.

                                              🌸

The ride was uncomfortable.

An awkward silence lingering between the pair that James didn't know how to disperse. She was trying to give Gabe time to speak but he seemed to be spiraling. Without a moment's thought, James took the wheel and turned it so Gabe would go into a parking lot.

"Jesus James!" He shouted putting on his turning signal and shooting her a look. "What the hell!" He exclaimed as he put the car into park.

"Talk!" She said back calmly her arms crossing her chest as she tilted her head at him. "Talk to me," She softened her tone this time unbuckling her seat so she could turn and look at him.

A flash of fear went across his face for a moment making her feel sick.

"Gabe," She whispered moving forward placing her hand on his arm. "Whatever it is you can talk to me I won't judge you okay?"

She wondered if he was in a bad headspace his demons catching up to him. Or perhaps this was about her pushing them away earlier. Or maybe something else entirely.

"Did I...make you uncomfortable this morning when we woke up?" He said the words slowly like he was afraid of her answer. It took James a moment to realize what he was referring too she couldn't help the blush that crossed her face. Oh. "I just-everything that's happened-That Greg has done to you I never want you to feel uncomfortable or-"

"Gabe-"

"Fuck, I just was talking with Luke and-"

"Gabe," James cut him off before he could spiral down the rabbit hole. "I-you didn't make me uncomfortable. Greg went out of his way to pressure me into things I didn't want to do. You never did that. You wouldn't do that, I know that."

"You were acting differently after that," Gabe whispered sounding heartbroken.

James glanced away guiltily, "That wasn't because of you, that was me getting to much into my head."

"James-"

"I don't want you all thinking I'm a whore," She cut him off. "I know I cuddle you all and hug you and-I just I don't know I like how I feel when I'm with you guys but I know you all have heard the rumors about me in school and I don't want you all to think I'm playing you or I just want sex or whatever."

"We don't think that James," Gabe said, "Shit I'm sorry you've felt-"

"You didn't cause those feelings I just felt them you know," James admitted, "And then it made me very aware of how easily I let myself touch all of you I guess and I don't know. Owen said you guys would tell me if you wanted me to stop but I still-"

"Anxiety is a bitch," Gabe murmured, "I guess we're both full of questioning our sanity today huh?"

James glanced over to him a sad frown on her lips, "Have you been stressing about this all day?" She watched as he nodded, "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," He said. "I just...didn't want to hurt you more by bringing it up."

"I'm glad you did bring it up," James said, "Even if it is...not something I like to talk about."

She didn't like talking about it at all, she had only spoken briefly about it with John Oliver and Sang. Besides that...James shifted uncomfortably.

"...Did you want to talk about it? What happened?" Gabe asked softly.

James turned her head, "No," her voice was firmer then she meant too harsh. She quickly swallowed, "No I'm alright."

Some things were better left unsaid.

"If you ever change your mind..."

James gave him a soft smile, "thanks dreamboat..."

"Anything for you rebel." He took her hand giving it a soft squeeze.

James paused for a moment, "I there was one thing..."

Gabe looked up tilting his head curiously at her.

James swallowed, "I do need new clothes, Beatrice well ruined all of mine and I feel bad I keep wearing your guy's..." She paused, "I don't like shopping for clothes though. Not for my self I always-I was wondering if maybe you could pick some stuff up for me? I'd give you money and-"

"You look adorable in our clothes, none of us mind you wearing them but you should have your own stuff." Gabe said lightly, "I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I know your not a fan of clothes shopping but I want to get stuff you'd like. Not clothes that you feel obligated wearing because I picked out. Fuck I know what the guys like and I buy most of there stuff-"

"An your amazing it at I just," James paused lips twisting, "I'm used to just going to thrift stores and grabbing clothes that I know will hide my scars and stuff you now..."

"James-"

"Gabe-"

He gave her a small sad smile, "I used to think I wasn't good enough or like beautiful enough to wear nice clothes. Like I didn't deserve them." He said softly. "I can tell you feel like that too and maybe, maybe one day I can show you it doesn't always have to feel so...bad. I want you to feel comfortable in your skin."

James swallowed biting her lip.

"I had an idea though what if we made a Pinterest board? Styles you like? Maybe oversize Band tees, you like to layer clothes too-"

He pulled up his phone turning it to James.

An for the first time shopping wasn't so bad...

                                                🥀

After pinning a bunch of clothes and styles she liked her and Gabe spent some time chatting.

She couldn't help but let her mind drift...

James...hadn't felt the best after hearing about Greg. It reminded her too much of him. An as much as she wanted to make Gabe feel better she couldn't...talk about that stuff.

It brought up to many bad memories.

So they joked and talked about the painting in the bedroom. Gabe teased her for her singing but commented on how he wanted to sing with her sometime that wasn't carpool karokee.

He didn't stay too long after dropping her off at Kota's and James...wasn't ready to be there. So when Kota met her outside she asked if they could go to the park.

Kota took her without complaint.

James kicked her feet out letting the breeze wash over her. She tugged at the bottom of her sleeves wrapping her arms around her chest.

"I started going to therapy," James said tilting her head towards Kota. She didn't look him in the eye though instead, she focused on the sweater vest he was wearing. Taking in the pattern on it.

"You did?" He sounded slightly taken aback, curious but not...not like he was judging her. Just surprised.

"Yesterday was my first day." She nodded, "Well-I actually have been in therapy before but...this time was different."

"Sometimes it can be nice to get an unbiased opinion. It helps more." Kota said gently, "I went for a little bit after...everything with my dad. It...it helped."

James glanced up, "You did?" suddenly she didn't feel as...awkward bringing this up.

He gave a soft smile, "I- I...became a bit controlling? I didn't mean to but...it-I needed things to be a certain way. I wanted to know where my mom was at all times to make sure she was okay. I...got a little too into being organized. After everything, I just-I hadn't had any control. Then suddenly I had new freedom and...I needed to follow a pattern." He shook his head. "I wanted to step up for my mom and at some point, I forgot about myself. I didn't talk of the nightmares, didn't want to bother her. Then...then Mr. Blackbourne and Doctor Green suggested it may be a good route. It helped. Learned better ways to control my breathing, if I became to panicked-"

"You've had panic attacks?" James questioned.

Kota gave a sad smile, "A couple didn't really know what they were at the time. I don't have any now, haven't had any in years actually. I learned some counting exercises and those helped."

"The counting," James mumbled.

Kota tilted his head curiously, "Hm?"

James blushed, "Oh I um, noticed you count...when your stressed. Sometimes you mouth the numbers..."

Kota stared at her for a long moment a blush crossing his cheeks, "You noticed that?" he questioned.

James let out a small laugh, "I notice everything about you." She said sincerely. "Is that...strange?"

Kota's eyes softened, "If it's strange I notice things about you too then I'm fine with being strange." He said seriously making her heart flutter.

"Look at us a pair of goofballs." James laughed kicking a rock in front of her. "Strange. I've always been kinda odd though, you seem like the perfectly normally type-well normal for a spy anyway."

"Normal is a concept." Kota shook his head. "People focus too much on trying to be normal but there isn't one set way. Every person has a different idea of it, what is it, and what could be is not set in stone."

James turned to him she poked his nose earning a small grin from him. "Exactly why you're not normal. That was too good of an answer. Fuck normal. Normals boring-"

"An being boring is not allowed," Kota chuckled, "That's what Luke tells us anyway."

James winked shooting finger guns at him. She let her hand latch onto Kota's she waited a moment though, she wanted to see if he would tell her to stop or let go. He seemed perfectly content though.

She squeezed her other hand letting her nails dig slightly into her skin.

She didn't know what was right or wrong. She just new being close to them made her feel safer then she ever has before. An if they weren't mad about it...she would hold onto them as long as they'd let her.

"I've had a lot of stuff happen in my life that I'm going for...I'm also...I get really depressed sometimes and my anxiety get's really bad and before I didn't care but know it's not really a good mix and-"

"James take a breathe," He said softly.

James did so feeling her heart race a little too fast, "I...sometimes don't cope with that all in the best way." Her hand moved to her wrist hovering over the cuts. "I hurt myself real bad sometimes Kota. I-don't-I-"

"James take your time it's okay-"

"It was never a big deal to me before, my scars." She touched her wrist her mouth going dry. "But then I met you guys and-Jesus I can't stand that looks you all get when- Some of the others know. Have seen them but god-"

"You don't have to show me," Kota said seriously, "whatever you need I'm here for you okay? I'm not going to leave you."

James threw herself into his arms letting her cries hit the air. She should have known Kota wouldn't push her.

"I've got you okay? Whatever you need I'm right here."

She just held him tighter letting his words wash over her.

It wasn't long till James started to feel embarrassed for crying. So like she always did she wiped her tears off and gave him a bright smile.

"Care to take a spin on the roundabout?" James grinned tugging his hand as she led him further into the park.

It was one place she always felt...safe.

She wasn't sure if she'd ever find a stable home but this park...it came close.

"How could I say no?" Kota questioned he grinned at her, "Whoever gets there first doesn't have to push the other person-"

He took off letting go of her hand. James gasped shooting off after him, "Kota you bitch!" she shouted as he laughed loudly.

                                          🌷

Kota was asleep next to her, his arm wrapped around her waist. Her head tucked into her neck, she appreciated the warmth.

Kota was let reversed with his cuddles when he was asleep. She couldn't wait to tease him about it in the morning.

Her mind was keeping her up though...a lingering though that hadn't been able to escape her.

She hadn't cut.

She hadn't realized it until now but...she hadn't cut since registration day after she had gotten into an argument with the others.

Registration day was on a Friday...the week after that had been Friday fall and this current Friday was when Sang's mother-

James closed her eyes.

So what that made it two weeks and two days since she'd last cut?

Sixteen days?

James swallowed, that's the longest shes been clean.

Her fingers were hovering over the send button her stomach churning as she re read the message.

James: I've told some of you but I haven't gotten a chance to talk to you all one on one but I want us all to be on the same page. I started going to therapy yesterday. All of you know I struggle with panic attacks sometimes and it can be draining. I've got really bad anxiety and sometimes I get really sad and- I just. Yeah. Thought I'd put that out there. So there that is.

She closed her eyes, why did this seem so hard? She read the message three more times before sending it to the group chat.

Her heart was racing so she followed it up with another message.

James: sometimes I get frustrated and I hurt myself but the last time that happened was on registration day.

James: it's been sixteen days since I last hurt myself which is the longest I've ever-

James: a lot of me getting better has been because of you all. So thanks. I appreciate you all.

James: sorry for the onslaught of messages it's the lack of sleep caffeine for me-

James shut off her phone putting it on the nightstand before she could get an answer.

They would all know she's a freak now but...the others had excepted her weirdness...

An these boys had been more understanding then anyone she's ever met.

Maybe texting wasn't the best option for letting them know but she wanted everyone to be on the same page.

She didn't want the boys keeping things from there brothers because some of them new and some didn't.

She was grateful they were letting her speak and talk to them all in her own time but she didn't want anyone left in the dark about this topic any more.

She felt guilty enough about the things she left hidden.

                                            

A CHAPTER!!!! Woo hoo!!!

As always sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes!

I know this has taken forever to get out but I've truly had so much going on! My best friend got into a pretty bad car wreck so I stayed at her house for a bit.

Then I had to catch up on my College stuff and I've started back to work so it's been chaotic!

I'm so thankful for all the comments though and I'm hoping now that things have settled down I'll be able to write more consistently now!

Ahhhh so many things to say. It I'm so excited to get this out sooooooooo-

Thoughts? Favorite parts? Things you'd like to see?

It's late and I'm uber tired I believe I got time frames and everything correct (we did have a little time skip in chapter Raindrops Lashed Down) but I could be wrong so if so I'll got back and fix that!

If you haven't checked it out I just updated John Oliver's book Inquiring Bliss which was over 25,00o words woo hoo!!!!

This book is my main focus but when I need a break I hop over to that one!

NEXT CHAPTER:

Next Chapter will be Norths Birthday! In the books it happened when Sang's mom locked in the shower so it wasn't really celebrated- I wanted to change that here because I wanna give North alllll the love!

What can we expect next chapter in a few words you ask?

So BIRTHDAY TIME! Meeting the mother, Sang bathtubs and bubbles? Skirts. aNnNnnnnDddd awkward situations.

Thanks so much for reading darlings!!♥️