Austin's P.O.V:
"Where's my girl at?" I questioned as I stepped onto the bus, the heat flowing through the lounge a nice break from the chilly January air outside. I smiled just at the thought of her, though I was still a little worried. The way she had getting sick so much, it had me concerned; I was worried that she was letting this bother her more than she was letting on. She told me she was getting better, that she was coming to terms with it and trying her best to move on, but it still scared me that she still dwelling on it, the fact that it was making her sick evidence enough. I had no idea what to do to help her, it was killing me to see her like that, in pain on inside, I wanted it to go away, but I didn't know how to make that happen. For now I was being supportive, doing everything and anything to make her happy, though it wasn't always easy. I was hurting too, hurting for her; the fact that someone could do something so horrible to her - it wasn't easy to just let that go, to pretend that it had never happened. I wanted him to pay, he deserved to, but Tyler wouldn't let me pursue it. Honestly it was probably for the best, and I promised her that I wouldn't let it get to me too bad, but sometimes it did, sometimes hurting him was all I thought about.
Aaron was silent for a while, his body tense, confusing me. His eyes refused to meet mine. "She's, uh, taking a nap," he finally muttered out, and though I didn't understand his strange body language I nodded and shrugged him off, making my way quietly through the bunk area towards the bathroom, doing my best not to wake Tyler. Shutting myself in the bathroom I did my business, washing my hands and splashing some water on my face, trying to keep myself awake. As I reached over for the towel to dry my face off something in the trash can caught my eye, something that looked out of place. The small pink carboard box didn't belong, I hadn't remembered it being in the trash earlier. As I reached for it I furrowed my brow, wondering what it could be. I wasn't usually this nosy, but something about it didn't feel right; I had to know what it was.
I pulled it out, my face draining of color, my heart picking up it's pace out of total shock and disbelief. I read the words on the box over and over, my mind not wanting to believe what I held in my hands. First Response Pregnancy Test. This didn't feel real. Was Tyler pregnant? And why hadn't she told me?
I stumbled out of the bathroom towards the back lounge, collapsing on the couch, the box still clutched tightly in my hands. How could this have happened? Why now?
It all began to make sense, I don't know why the thought hadn't crossed my mind before. It should have, though, it should have been at the fore front of my thoughts. It made sense. The way she had been acting, the fact that she had been getting sick so much. And considering what had happened at school....a little over a month ago. It was too much of a coincidence.
I felt tears brimming my eyes as I stared at that little pink box, my knuckles turning white I was squeezing it so tight.
I was scared, more terrified than ever before. It wasn't the thought of having a baby with Tyler that was so hard to deal with, that was something that I had always wanted, that I had always looked forward to. It was something else, something that was extremely unsettling.
I had a horrible feeling that, because of what had happened to her, that the baby wasn't mine, and I didn't know how to deal with that.
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Tyler's P.O.V:
I tried to nap, to fade into unconciousness and forget about all of this for a few short hours, but sleep wouldn't come, and neither would the tears. I felt numb, like this wasn't real, like I was stuck in someone else's life. The last few hours had been spent trying to rationalize the situation, trying to make it sink in, to understand that it was in fact real, it was really happening, and there was nothing I could do to change it; I didn't know if I wanted to change it. I didn't know what I wanted, what to think, what to feel. It had all happened so fast, I hadn't had time to process it, to understand it, to figure any of it out. But I needed to, soon, and I needed to do it with Austin's help.
I rolled out of the bunk, my feet landing lightly on the floor below me, and I padded across the carpet towards the front lounge. Aaron was seated on the couch, alone, his gaze focused on the TV in front of him. Clearing my throat I caught his attention and he shot me a sad smile, one that I returned. He had figured it out, somehow, before me, before any of us. He was there for me, no judgments, and I was thankful for a friend like him; it made all of this just a tad easier knowing that I had someone who would support me no matter what. I hoped that Austin would do the same, he promised he would always support me, but I was afraid of his reaction, of what he would think about all of this. "Austin's in the back lounge; he was asking for you earlier," Aaron piped up, seemingly noticing my apprehensive body language. I shot him a thankful smile and walked to the back of the bus, pausing momentarily in front of the closed door.
I took a deep breathe trying to calm myself down. He needed to know, this affected him too, but I didn't want to tell him, I was scared, and I still didn't know what I supposed to think. But I couldn't keep this from him for too long, that wasn't fair, to either of us.
As I opened the door to the lounge I wasn't prepared for what I was confronted with. Austin was seated on the couch in front of me, his elbows resting on his knees, his head down, his hands clinging to the box that once held the pregnancy test. I sucked in a deep breathe, gaining Austin's attention; tears were rolling steadily down his cheeks, his eyes sad, and it broke my heart. I felt my own tears welling up as I saw how hurt he looked. I stepped into the room and shut the door behind me in silence, not knowing what to say. This wasn't how I wanted him to find out, it wasn't right, it wasn't fair, he was supposed to hear this from me. "Austin, I - it's..."
"You're pregnant?" He questioned as he rose from the couch, his voice mixed with hurt, sadness, and a hint of anger. I looked away from him, looking down towards my feet, too afraid to meet his gaze.
"Yeah, yeah I am," I muttered in response, my words hanging in the air. I heard him sigh, a big, deep one, the tension around us now thick and uncomfortable.
"Why didn't you tell me?" His words were curt, they stung a little, I wasn't expecting them, I didn't know how to respond.
"Austin, I- I" I couldn't seem to formulate a response, my thoughts were jumbled, my emotions conflicted by the sharpness of his words.
"Is it because it isn't mine?" The statement hurt worse than anything before. I knew he would react this way, at least I had imagined he would, but this, hearing him say it, it was ripping me apart.
"What? No, Austin it's - it's your baby, it has to be," I spat out quickly, trying my best to reason with him, to reassure him, to reassure myself.
"How can you be sure, Tyler?" He was yelling now, and I flinched at the quick turn to anger, not prepared for it. "That fucking asshole raped you! It could be his for all I know!"
The tears began to fall once more, his words hitting me like a ton of bricks. It hurt, hearing him say it, more than I could've imagined, and the way that it made me feel, how it made me think about myself, I didn't like it. "Austin, no, it's not, it can't be, just please - calm down," I said, practically pleading with him to talk with me about this. The look on his face, though, it was something I couldn't ignore. He almost looked - disgusted with me, disgusted with the entire situation.
"But you don't know for sure! You can't possibly! Don't pretend like it's not a possibility!" He shouted back at me. I was getting angry now, the hurt transforming into rage as I rushed to defend myself. This wasn't how I pictured this; I figured he would be upset, maybe a tad angry, but this, him yelling at me, the way he was speaking to me, I hadn't anticipated it at all, and I wasn't going to take it.
"Why don't believe me, Austin? Do you really think that I - that I'm some kind of whore or something? Is that what you're trying to say?" It was a strech, I know it was, but something about his words, the way he was acting, I was taking it personally, it felt like that was what he was hinting at with his angry tone. I had thought it enough times about myself, how I felt like a dirty slut because of what happened; I had hoped Austin didn't think that, he had told me that he didn't think that, but now I was beginning to feel that he hadn't told me the truth, that given the circumstances he had changed his mind.
"Ty, no that's, that's not - I didn't mean it like that, I - I just -" He was stuttering horribly, tripping over his words, trying to backtrack his previous statements, to convince me otherwise. "Tyler that's not what I was saying, not at all, you know I don't think that. I mean, just - try to see it from my point of view. What am I supposed to think?" He lowered his voice back to it's normal level, but it didn't make me any less angry, any less hurt now that he was ready to talk about this like adults. He had thrown that out the window when he had jumped to conclusions from the get-go.
"See it from your point of view?" I questioned, not quite understanding what he was trying to get at. "What - what about my point of view, Austin? I'm the one who this is happening to, I'm the one who's pregnant! I understand that this affects you too, but -" I paused, not knowing how to continue. The anger was subsiding, I couldn't stay mad at him, but the ache in my heart was almost too much to bear, and I couldn't control the flood of tears as the poured from my already swollen eyes.
"Tyler, I-"
"You know what, Austin?" I mumbled through the tears, my voice cracking with every word, "He used a condom, okay? When he raped me he put a condom on first." I watched as his face dropped at the realization of my words; I had never told anyone that, I hadn't really remembered that part, I had blocked most of it out, most of the details, and it hadn't registered until now, the fact that he had taken the time to put one on, but now it did, and as much as it hurt to talk about it Austin needed to know. "And when you and I had sex you didn't use one, and I wasn't on birth control anymore because we had broken up and I didn't need it. So what now? Are you going to scream at me some more? Because I don't know how much more I can take, I don't think I can take any at all."
I turned and stormed out of the lounge, making my way to the bunk, pulling my suitcase out from underneath it and began to pack up my things. "Tyler - wait, what are you doing?" Austin asked worriedly as he reached me, his hand resting upon my shoulder.
"I'm going to go home, Austin. You obviously need some time to figure things out, and so do I, and I can't do that here," I replied, not looking at him, keeping my attention focused on shoving any of my loose items back in the bag.
He grabbed me and turned me around so I was facing him, cupping my face in his soft hands. "Ty, please, don't. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, I just - I didn't know what to think, I wasn't prepared for this. But please, baby, don't go. Please, I love you so much." His words made my heart ache; I knew they were true, they were genuine, there was no doubt in my mind, but I couldn't be here. It didn't mean I was leaving him, I wasn't going to do that, never again, I loved him too much for that, but I needed time, time to sort all of this out, to sort myself out, and he needed it too.
"And you think I was, Austin?" I pulled away from his hold, tried to at least, but his arms reached out and grabbed my waist, keeping me in place, not letting me go. "I'm in no place to have a baby, but I am, it's going to happen, there's nothing I can do to change it, and I'm trying to come to terms with that. But I need to go home so I can figure all of this out. And once you figure this out for yourself, once you sort out your feelings and you come home, then we'll work on this together, but I can't, not now, not here. So please, Austin, just let me go," I begged, looking into his eyes. Surprisingly he did as I asked, his arms dropping heavily to his sides. As I grabbed my bag I gave him a sad smile, retreating to the front, finding Aaron eyeing us, his eyes holding concern. "Can you take me to the airport please?" I asked him; he hesitated, torn, not knowing what he should do, but eventually he obliged, nodding his head and standing from the couch, once again grabbing the keys to the van, and stepping outside, leaving the door open behind him for me to follow.
Before I stepped off the bus I looked back at Austin once more, long enough to see a single glistening tear roll down his rosy cheeks. It was almost enough to make me stay, to drop my bags and run to him, to allow him to wrap his arms around and tell me he was sorry, to tell me it would be okay.
But I couldn't do that, not right now. I loved him, and I wanted to be with him, I still wanted to marry him, that would never change, I wouldn't let it, but I realized that being here right now, when things were still so confusing, when we were both still unsure of what this was, of how it was going to play out, it wasn't the best thing for me, no matter how hard it was to walk away from him.
I stepped off the bus, closing the door quietly behind me, kicking dirt up as I walked to the van, wrapping my arms around myself, trying to trap in the warmth.
This was for the best, going home. It would give me the time I needed, and hopefully give that to Austin as well. Hopefully he would figure this out and accept it, like I was trying so hard to do.
No matter what one thing remained: I was having this baby, I was going to be a mom, and I needed to fix myself before I could do that.